It is easy for me to feel that this is too much. But I'm worried nonetheless about how to handle this situation.
One of the things that my wife and the OP seems to share is a kind of 'outsider' sense - he because he has a host of different issues, mild mental illness among them, she because of an unhappy childhood and horrendous family. They both appear to have significant problems with self-esteem.
I've never taken myself to be uber-confident, but apparently I look like some kind of guy who slides through life without a scratch. Assuredness, aplomb, whatever. (That truly amazes me.)
The point of all this is that my wife feels that my life and its (very relative) successes has overshadowed hers. This is her chance to live out her own life (she often equates her 'friendship' with OP with a new independent life), and that I should be supportive of that.
I am supportive of her independence, and I'm learning how to do that better all the time. But can a husband really be expected to 'suppport' what looks a hell of a lot like an affair?
Of course not, otherwise we wouldn't all be here trying to hold on to our marriages. But we're also here trying to learn what to do to make that happen. And I'm worried that if I look 'unsupportive' here - which basically means pretending that an affair isn't an affair, or that it's just OK to do those kinds of things when you've 'done all you can do and given all you can give' - I'm worried that I will drive my wife further off.
Perhaps, cat03, you're saying that I need to do a 180 on this?
Since I've already made it clear that I loathe this OP, but have been willing to hear about my wife's trials and tribulations with him, I think that the whole 360 is closed off to me.
I still don't know how to handle this. I'm buying her groceries for his visit. Then I think I'm going to spend the next couple of evenings in a bar.
