I really don't know what to do here, so I would really appreciate some advice.
(sorry for not using the abbreviations. I'm constitutionally anti-acronymic. just anachronistic, I guess. )
My wife is having an emotional affair. They met over the internet, through a basic business communication of all things. To make a long story short, she says he makes her feel at peace, something she says that she has never felt with me. Now they have been meeting, and although she claims that nothing physical is going on, it's pretty clear that this is a full-blown affair in every sense but that one.
Now I have been trying to apply the DB principles to our interactions, with sometimes good effect, sometimes poor effect. Much of it seems to depend on how well I can control my own feelings, which is a road upon which I have a pretty long way to go. For instance, I've had the amazing revelation that actually listening to her is what she's needed all along from me, and that I've consistently failed to do that. Now I really try. She's noticed. I'm trying more.
Which brings me to my crisis. My self-control breaks down when the OP is involved. Not only for the obvious reasons, but also because I genuinely believe (being as objective as I can be)that this guy is a disaster for her. He may be giving her emotional things she needs, but he also puts crazy pressure on her when he's not on his medication. (Pushing her to divorce me, hurrying her along to be "barefoot and pregnant", etc.).
She's told me about this, telling me that I'm the one she trusts. I commiserated with her, but didn't want to go too far in criticizing him. Apparently I did anyway. I really can't hide my disgust over this - and I know how counterproductive this might turn out being.
It would be easier if she didn't talk about him so much, even though I've learned by reading some of your posts that I can learn a lot of what she sees in him if I pay attention. But the frequency of her comments itself is painful, not to mention the hurt the constant reminder of his place in her life causes me. Simple jealousy, I know. That's part of it. I recognize what I need to rein in.
But what can I do when she wants me to meet him?
He's going to be in town, staying at her place. (We're separated, but living very close to each other. I don't want to see him, don't want to hear him, and certainly don't want to cordially shake his hand.
I don't want to be a SOB either. But this seems like it's almost too much.
My wife insists that she's done a lot that is painful for me, so I should do this one thing for her.
If that was all there was to it, I would. Pride aside, anger aside, contempt for him aside, I would. (And I know in saying this I'm congratulating myself for submerging my own selfish feelings. I'm not absolutely unaware of the things I need to work on in myself, just not particularly skilled at getting them under control right now.)
But I think that this might end up being counterproductive because it would "regularize" her affair - as if it had my blessing (and not just my 'understanding', which is challenge enough).
Help!
I really need some guidance here. If I botch this up, I just might send her right into his arms.
)
