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[Neely]

I've been divorce busting one year. H had said last year at this time that he needed six months to get his finances in order and move out. He agreed to go to Retrouvaille then backed out. We've been married 19 years.<p>He's still around. I've been able to get him to stop screaming at me most of the time and we have been able to go out a few times to coffee.<p>Weekends he goes out to meditate. Friday all night and Saturday (Saturday it's from 7 to 1 am).<p>My goal is for us to be friends and in love again.<p>However, I don't know how to get there anymore.<p>We have three children 15, 12 and 8. H is in counseling -- but didn't tell me about it. He blames me for all his failures.<p>Our conversations are highly conflicted. He blows up after a few minutes. He's said he feels unappreciated. Later he said I'm not sincere when I say I appreciate him.<p>I'm not sure whether to distance or appreciate connect or go dark. Frankly after a year I am exhausted, too. I haven't had a real partner in years and am getting run down. <p>Give me some ideas .. he blames his mother for all his problems and has now transferred the blame to me. I want to change my reaction to him. Money keeps us together -- or lack of it.<p>I've worked full time except for when I took a buyout and stayed out of the workforce for 18 months. He was out of work three years. <p>I want to build trust. Not sure how except to do what I said I would do --ignore H when he lets me down.<p>I want to take care of myself.
go to health club, get blood tests and physical therapy (carpal tunnel)
Appreciation
I want to fix things around the house without asking H.
If he does fix something, I will thank him.<p>Since H goes out every week-end night without me, I have started to build a separate life. Won't this pull us apart?<p>Also BIG issue is housework.<p>I am on the messy side and house is messy. H has his own office though, so he can go there. H always complains about house, and doesn't like the way I do things...highly critical.<p>My sister has the same problem -- but cleans furiously and does little else -- I don't want to end up like her.<p>I now have a housekeeper and it's helping, though H complains about that too. He won't help organize stuff, yet complains about me.



Forgot to say I have Divorce Remedy and have been reading it.<p>I'm just so confused about what to do next. Things have improved. But not enough.<p>Now the separate lives is a thorn in my side.