I too have been recovering from discovering my husband having an affair which for the most part was/is an EA although it did turn into a PA on two occassions. The biggest struggle for me is that after the discovery, he is now coming forward with many, many issues in our marriage. We had not had sex in a year and I knew we had intimacy problems but we also live in a city commuter community and have for the last 4 years. These past 4 years I have commuted to work 1 1/2 hours each way, worked 8 hours, picked up our son, did homework, took him to practice, etc. I have been extremely exhausted as well as not feeling too desirable. Well, he immediately tells me he no longer finds me attractive, doesn't desire me, has been unhappy for a long time (without saying a word), basically re-writes the marriage to make it the worst place he has ever been. This is for 21 years so I can't even tell you how devastated I am to hear all of this. One thing I will not do with all this rejection is allow myself to feel I am the blame for any unhappiness he has felt. WHY? Because we are all responsible for our own happiness and if he wasn't happy about something he should have spoken up about it! Instead, he avoided conflict and did nothing, until now, when caught in the lies and deciet of an affair.
I continue to read what you all say about EA and I do believe that is true. EA's are very powerful and they do take those involved into a fantasy world. Before discovery, H did not ever intend to leave the marriage, actually thought of the EA/PA as a supplement to the M. CRAZY!!! The other thing I think is hard about EA's is that they are usually e-mail/cell phone conversations and are easily disquised so when they say it is over, it is truly hard to know as the trasparency isn't always there and might not ever be. I have been able to convince myself and H to try M counseling one more time since our fist attempt was a disaster.....intern counselor, too early in discovery to work for me, etc.
I will say this, if your H says the affair is over but it isn't over, you need to take a firm position on what that means for YOU! YOU have to decide whether or not you can live with that and to tell you the truth, YOU deserve better! Find a way to bring out the strength in YOU and do what is best for YOU in this situation. Easier said than done since I walk somewhat in your shoes. But I have told myself that I will allow to be told only once in this new round of counsling that he is still in touch with her. Once he says he isn't or agrees to stop all contact (again), then that has to be the case. If he ever does contact her again, I am onto a divorce because there is no more trust in the relationship and quite honestly, no relationship at all.
Remember, you are not alone and working on you is really the key here. You cannot change what your H does but you can change the way you behave towards him and in this situation. Sometimes it is the change in our own behavior that makes our path become alot more clearer.
God Bless!