VC - does your H understand that the R is inappropriate? (does he continue to tell you it's over even though you know it isn't?)
My H is still (I think) of the view that hell begins at my front door (even though it wasn't so bad until June). Like other postings I have read here my H has now utterly trashed our whole M, I assume in order to justify the shabbiness of his behaviour which includes leaving his daughter (which NONE of our friends can understand as until June he was always a MAJOR family man). So suddenly his life with me is described as the most misery any human could possibly have to put up with, whereas previously HE was depressed with his job, debt, emotional problems. This EA (probably now a PA) makes him feel wonderful - the fantasy takes him away from the real world where his problems are. I wonder how long before he'll crash back to reality - he has been gone a few months now - his job is still crap, he has even less money (as he's now helping to run two homes) and he must miss his daughter and feel some guilt about leaving her (doesn't he?!). He can't blame this on me rationally but I really think he still does (eg., none of this would have had to happen if I hadn't made him SO unhappy). Taking responsibility isn't one of his major strengths - blaming me for everything is.
I sometimes doubt he'll ever "wake up" actually. I certainly can't believe he'd ever acknowledge making a mistake and he never says sorry, so... I am not even sure at the moment that their R is going anywhere at all - he says they're moving in together - and maybe they are but there's no evidence of it (and she had previously been reluctant to leave her home).
Don't beat yourself over having "un Christian" thoughts. Feeling angry at them both is perfectly normal I think - I have plotted various types of retribution on H and OW many times and it makes me feel much better at times to do so!! (Just don't act on it ). I have promised myself a final message to OW when their R does finally end (regardless of what H does with me) telling her that I hope she's learned her lesson not to cheat on other women's Hs etc (I did write her a rather 'strong' letter earlier in the summer which ended by my wishing her "all the joy she deserved" so I'll probably remind her of that.) Quite tame really but it'll give me the last word and that will feel good. I can wait... !
Their behaviour is nauseating you're quite right. I think - hope - your approach is right and I admire your forbearance, but he has got to get this OW out of his life 100% completely before you can start to address what the issues are (eg., why does he feel he needs her?). Have you been to counselling? - would your H attend with you?
). I have promised myself a final message to OW when their R does finally end (regardless of what H does with me) telling her that I hope she's learned her lesson not to cheat on other women's Hs etc (I did write her a rather 'strong' letter earlier in the summer which ended by my wishing her "all the joy she deserved" so I'll probably remind her of that.) Quite tame really but it'll give me the last word and that will feel good. I can wait... !