my H left me and our 8 year old daughter after a three week (yes, really that long) EA with a married OW. Of those 3 weeks, she had been abroad for 2 of them (so very limited actual time together). Almost my first (very non-DBing) words to my H were along the lines "trust you to have an affair and not get sex out of it". So I started well
Until then (June this year) I had never heard of EAs and frankly thought he was lying to me (not an unreasonable assumption as he's since lied about everything else). I then did some 'homework', read a few books, spoke to a counselor and learned that EAs are often extremely powerful, emotional relationships where there quickly develops a deep and profound bond between them. There is usually a strong sexual chemistry which - at least for a time - is not acted on (I gues that adds to the excitement). Apparently also there is a common element of secrecy which is a core part of it. I think they often go on to become sexual relationships, but apparently not always.
My H moved out in July and so I imagine their R is now a physical one (I try not to think about it actually). Their R started out in a typical fantasy bubble - both were married and quickly shared all their deepest (or supposedly deepest) thoughts and feelings (like what a s**t wife I am - that kind of stuff!) - and he must have spent literally hours a day emailing and texting her. In my H's case it was a total infatuation - I counted he had sent her 30 lengthy emails from work on one day alone!
I think many Hs and Ws having these EAs think that because they're not sexual they're somehow OK - they are definitely not. They always involve communication between them that they would not want you (or anyone else) to hear and they supposedly meet some emotional need which is not being satisfied at home. Apparently they involve 3 things: emotional intimacy, secrecy and sexual chemistry. Apparently many PAs are easier to end and get over as there is often little feeling or emotion involved - not so with these beauties... They are dangerous, dangerous, dangerous.
The OW in your case could be the same person as mine (they all seem to be made from the same mould!). My H's OW told him (and I have seen the emails) that she loved her H and was prepared to wait to have sex with my H as she didn't want to "spoil" such an important event (and she even specified ideal places including a cottage in Tuscany or in the mountains in Spain - WTF!). Clearly she is a woman of high and pure moral values who isn't cheap and doesn't want to rush into anything!! ( I am sure my H would believe that as well). This OW apparently, now into her second marriage, has a history of flirtations and affairs, suicide attempts and manic depression - a good solid bet then! Somehow she is a wonderful woman - everything I am not (you bet!!) and worries about her H (how would he cope without her?) if she left him (apparently he is a lovely man but boring). She is a typical OW, professing that her overwhemingly powerful emotions for my H meant she couldn't help herself (she texted me once to say "I am so sorry - I didn't mean for it to happen" - well stop it then!!)
In these situations I think we live in the real world, managing and supporting our children, jobs, household, money, etc., while they run away cocooned in their little fantasy bubbles totally unable to cope with real life anymore. It has to be a form of madness - but for how long? I keep reading that these things usually last between 6 months and 2 years (with most around 6 months) - so I'm counting the days and weeks...
Is your H at home? Is he keeping up a pretence with you that OW is not important?
