Changing their minds?

[12102006]

Spike;

I have grieved a lot!!!I left my job and went to work in
a different city - then 2 months later moved back here.
You can't run away, the sadness follows you.

Right now - I'm concentrating on the mean things he has
said and done to me; that way he doesn't look to good
to me.

Every single night - I go outside and there is a bright
star that I think is God. Below that are two stars that
are 1) my XH and 2) H OW. Just above her star is my star.
Every single night I see this: 1:00 a.m., 3:00 a.m. etc.
So I say the Lord's prayer looking at the main star. I
say goodnight to XH star and nothing to her star. My star
is closer to God's star, so I know he watches over me.

Your H sounds like he is doing eveything to piss you off.
I know you haven't seen him for a while, but he hasn't
exactly called either. He sounds like mine...he wants out.
I think we are wasting too much time and mental energy on
them. What will happen is out of our control.

I got tired of dancing around w/o getting any response.
Like I said earlier, I'll see him when he is at his funeral
if I don't go first.

[spikecharlie]

yeah he is running out of things to say about why he is divorcing me b/c people aren't given him the sympathy that he wants. He needs to just say "I don't won't to be married to her anymore and my family doesn't like her" point blank. Tell the truth. "She wouldn't kiss my family's butt" that's what he really needs to say!!! I was reading about those Retrouville retreats and I was wondering if anyone had ever been to those and if they work? I would love to convince H to go to one...but I think he would laugh at my face right now. Especially since the divorce preceedings are starting and he never initates any interaction with me.

[12102006]

Spike;

His family doesn't like you because he has bad-mouthed
you to them....My H did it as well...

Try a retreat if you can, but it may show him you are
desparate. I think you need to try more of the 180
approaches...

You have 11 days before mediation...don't do anything out
of fear.

[spikecharlie]

your exactly right. my mother told me that they don't like me now b/c he did bad mouth me. She said they never would have known anything about ya'll unless he opened up his big mouth about you. And she is right.
No...I'm not going to say anything at all. Just go through with the mediation.
Where are you and your H at with the divorce preceedings?

[12102006]

We D 6 months ago. He is living w/ OW, in "our" house
that I signed a quick claim deed on.
I think it's moving on time........

[spikecharlie]

I can't believe he moved in another woman in YOUR house!!! I hope you got what you deserved in that settlement!!! He is scum...and trash! and SHE is trash if she'll move in with a man who left his wife during the marriage!!!! Don't the H's think "if this girl will be with me while I'm married then how can I trust her?" But NO...they don't think that!!! Don't they realize those girls are nothing but TRASH??? I think you are handling things well though..considering you've had to deal with a divorce, losing your H and seeing him move in with another woman. We women are going to end up very strong and wiser the next go around!!!

[12102006]

Spike;;;

They're not all trash. It takes two to destroy anything.
Always remember that...he legally owned the house when
she moved in, but before that she was staying over every
night. I've moved on, the door is opened, but I'm not
waiting for him to knock; soon no one will be home...

[mlchris2]

newbie to this site... read the DB book and tried like hell to implement the principles, but the D happened.

I have been browsing the boards for a few days now and I want to add my two cents on this post. As I read, I kept asking myself... am I the only one who's wife up and left becuase of issues that could easliy be worked out, went and started this rebound relationship with the first guy she came across, believes she's in love and now I sit and wonder if there ever will be "us" again..... No, I'm not the only one. This post is all about the guy leaving the wife and how the guy is a total pile, etc.... these posts I hardly see the men talking about how their EW left them and are being stupid, etc.

I'm interested to find out from women, why my wife feels the way she does, whats possibly going through her mind and why she isnt opening up to the fact that we really didnt try to repair, we just sat back for years and waited... I know you dont have the answers, some closure would help though.

I'm struggling right now wondering "what if or when". I'm trying to move on. Trying to be nice, but its hard to be nice when someones ripped your heart out and stommped it in the dirt. I'm also struggling with why my EW has done a total 180. Long story short (probably similar to most), she started drinking and partying more (never liked to before), she started smoking( hated smoking), she got stupid with money (used to be conservtive), lies all the time(used to not), gets upset at the kids(never used to), doesnt talk to or visit family or old friends(used to call and visit everyday). She thinks she has done nothing wrong in the marriage and is doing nothing wrong now or hasnt changed. Can someone help me understand what the *@!% is going on with her?

We've all read the DB book. Is the best thing I can do is follow the DB rules, even though were divorced and do things for myself and my kids? Do I take those feelings of love and caring for her and put them in a box and forget about them and maybe one day she'll come around asking for forgivness?

Another thing I am struggling with is our divorce papers are cut and dry... but we have decided on our own on a few things that "would help each other out". Example, I pay for the car she drives, cause she cant afford it and she needs it for the kids. Well as I progress through the divorce, It's becomming more apparent that I need to seperate myself from her, in order to harbor the strong feelings I still have. Would it help in getting her back if I continue to "Help" her in the situation or am I better off, letting her feel the full effects of the D?

I appriciate you letting me rant and get some answers.

Mark

[FA]

Would it help in getting her back if I continue to "Help" her in the situation or am I better off, letting her feel the full effects of the D?

To me...let her feel the full effect...I too had been "Helping" but in my case, I got no return on it...being, nutil she got a job, I would help to pay her credit.....well...been paying it for 4 months and I just called the place to take her name off my account because I am done paying for *her* share. She has had a job for 4 months...has not even tried to give me a single cent. This was an agreement we had after the D but like I just said to you...you might as well let her feel the full effect of what she wanted...that means for her to scrape by then so be it. I know how much you want to help...showing her you are still the nice guy she married but...fair is fair...she needs to see how it is going her way and you going yours...remember...she CHOSE this.

[want2bmarried]

I am a woman and from my perspective I think you need to cut her off with the help. She wanted this, now let her reap what she sows.

I was just thinking about this myself. My WAH bascially only comes around when he is either lonely and wants sex, or needs me to help in some way. He tells me what he thinks I want to hear by saying he misses his family and his wife, and of course I melt. Then I don't know what happens either he gets scared and runs or is flat out using me.

don't mean to be off topic. But its easier said than done. Let her feel the full effects of her decision. I think that in our good intentions and trying to repair our broken marriages that our WAS destroyed we become doormats all in the name of saving the marriage.