quote: If you've already written about this, forgive me, but have you written her a heartfelt letter about your feelings?
Michele, I have written my wife a heartfelt letter about my feeling in the past for couple times. She knows how I feel and what I want but she just couldn’t forgive herself for what she has done. Maybe and just maybe it was at the wrong time when I wrote her those heartfelt letters. I have not written any letter to her for several months now. My wife has written me sets and sets of letters (not heartfelt letters) in the past to communicate with me. Each set contained at least 5 or more pages. The last time I received those letters was in May 2001. She wrote me a set of letters almost everyday for a week and the last two sets contained 39 pages mentioning the history of our marriage including the affair itself.
Michele, here is a timeline that my wife mentioned in one of her letters after I kept asking about what she meant when she said, “Give me time to heal”.
1. Stay as roommate (no physical) for 1 year starting May 2001 (our 15th anniversary) 2. Start dating each other again (for lunch and shopping only, no physical) beginning May 2002. 3. Exchange a new vow and “re-marry” on our 20th anniversary quietly between us (4 years after dating to perfect my love to her), and go to the honeymoon along with the kids but book separate room. Then start physical again.
During the 4-year dating, these are what I will have to do: Listen to her. Let her have her way. Do anything possible to keep her happy. Try not to upset her. Whatever she wants or wishes for, I will give it to her or make it happen for her (set my pride aside). Let her have her way and more importantly be willing to wait for her love no matter how long it would take even for the rest of my life if that’s the way it is.
Michele, whether I have gotten angry at her recently or not, it is hard to say. It is an on and off thing. Sometimes she still ticks me off, but I don’t say a word nowadays. The last time I was so angry at her was almost three months ago when I told her that I was not happy with the current arrangement or situation and wanted her to move out or separate. We talked for about two hours in circle and the next day when I returned home from work I thought I would get another set of letters but instead I got one post-it note that said, “Just hang in there. This difficult time will pass. I will try harder.” That was the last time I ever said anything to her about this whole thing. Since then she has been somewhat friendlier than before.
quote: Does she really know how you're suffering with this or have you been totally understanding most of the time?
Michele, I don’t really know how much she knows or feels about how I’m suffering with this life event. I believe she knows somewhat or how much it affects the kids. For some reason, her number one priority is still the kids. All the activities that we do together are still around the kids or sometimes around her side of family, especially her parents. If I were to prioritize her priority, it would go like this, our kids, her parents, her siblings, then me/her friends.
My wife knows that without me the family will suffer financially and domestically. My wife is still out of job right now and it has been since she quitted her job that she had for 15 years. One of the factors for her to quit the job was due to the OM works there.
Michele, I would love to follow the seven steps in your new book, but I just don’t know where to start with my current situation.
Thank you very much in advance for reading this.
LAN
[ October 11, 2001: Message edited by: LonelyAtNight ]
