I thought I'd pop over here because I have a prob that I haven't been able to find a solution to... Those of ya'll who are familiar with my story know that I was strongly contemplating leaving my H when I came here and read DB. Things have improved tremendously in a short period of time and I have Michele and the people on the board to thank for that...
I've read DB several times and have almost completed DR, but the one thing I can't really find addressed is what to do if there are inlaw problems... I mean, we have those to an extreme degree. My H's family feels like I've stolen him away from them-- because his single mother family looked to him as a sort of "daddy" figure and so they expect him to always drop everything and put their needs/desires first-- the way your children expect that of you... Despite this, I've always treated them with common courtesy-- and even extended an olive branch and tried to be friends at times-- because I was taught that you H's family should be treated the way you want your family treated... On the other hand, my H treats my mom like crap on the bottom of his shoe... she lives with us at this time and unless it has to do specifically with him needing her to do something for the children, he doesn't speak to her... and when he does he's very gruff and short with her. And this is not because my mom has in any way done something to offend him-- she's pleasant to him and would treat him like royalty if he'd be just kind to her because she always wanted a son and had thought having a son-in-law would be like getting that wish fulfilled.
Now I'm not idealistic-- I'd love for them to have a close relationship because I am close to my mom... but I'd be completely satisfied with him just showing her common courtesy so that she doesn't feel unwelcomed in our home. This has been a problem since the beginning of our marriage but I never tried to do anything about it because I thought in time things would work themselves out... but instead it has steadily gotten worse... in the last month or so, I've tried talking with my H about it, but he just sees it as me always taking her side...and says, "this is how I am, I'm not going to kiss up to her just cause she wants it..." which I continue to tell him is not the case at all... besides, it doesn't really have to do with what my mom wants, but what his W wants and what I am expressing to him as something that will keep me from being as stressed as I have been.
It's been recommended to me that I do a 180 and agree with him the next time this sitch comes up, but I can't really see how I can do that without alienating my mother and feeling bad about it because he's so obviously in the wrong... I mean it's to the point that people outside of the family who have been around him ask what his problem is... so besides the whole situation being a tension to me, I have the added pleasure of being embarrassed in front of friends because my H is acting like an ass to my M...
Suggestions are definitely welcomed because after the last go round, I realized that I can't continue like this much longer. I am not a person who understands being mean just for the sake of being mean and at this point, that is what it seems like my H is doing... and that is the kind of person I don't want to be married to for the rest of my life-- that is for sure.
