Hi Michele, I would like to let you know that I’m still reading your new book “Divorce remedy” I will read chapter 6 today (step number 5 Experiment and Monitor Results).
The example that you give at the end of chapter 5 regarding Garth with his wife fits me very well during my wife’s affair. The thought of losing my wife made me pursue her more and more. Despite she said to me that she didn’t want to receive anything from me any more related to love, I still continued to buy her card, flowers and gift for her birthday, our anniversary, valentine’s day or for no reason at all. I finally realized that it didn’t work that way and besides she returned the valentine card that I gave to her last February unopened. I have not given my wife anything related to love since. I mean no card, no flowers, no gift, no compliment.
The question I have is what should I do about it. I have tried to ask her what I want but got a response of “Leave me alone and give me time to heal. I will let you know when I am ready”. It has been 9 months since the affair was over and (I think) there hasn’t been any contact since then (she quitted her job 9 months ago because the other man works there too). But my wife still refused to work on our marriage. We still sleep in a separated bedroom (it has been for 11 years and I don’t think I will ever have a chance to sleep next to my wife again “through the night” even after there is a conciliation). That’s my long tern goal anyway. People take for granted about sleeping in the same bed with loved one, but I’m longing for that for 11 years now.
We are living like a roommate now (her call). She doesn’t want to be touched, hugged, or kissed and I have honored that request so far (it has been since I found out about her affair 19 months ago). I don’t know how to make her get off the fence and work on the marriage other than keeping waiting for her to heal or whatever that meant. I think she has already set herself into this complacency situation of just being here with me. She wants to stay marriage for just the name for the kids’ sake, her parents’ sake or for saving her face. She still wants to have the family intact and we stay together as a father and a mother to the kids, but not as a husband and a wife.
That’s my dilemma right now.
By the way I have already read the chapter on infidelity and I don’t see anything there to help with my situation. I also read your DB book.
Thank you very much for spending your time reading this.
