BTW, I love the idea of evolving and learning as you go--becoming a more evolved and differentiated person is the ultimate goal of DB (IMHO). It is an open minded attitude to have and will ultimately lead to success for you. We all have things to learn for the rest of our lives.
It occurs to me that there is a blurry line between what DBing means when you are separated and faced with an impending divorce, and what it means to be reconciling while DBing.
In the first scenario, you may swallow a little more pride because you are shell shocked and are trying to stablize the situation without driving a bigger wedge into the sitch. You may put up with stuff you wouldn't necessarily put up with from a friend or lover--for the same reason--letting a little space between you and the emotions is a good thing when you need to process stuff. But in the second scenario, you have both, in theory, recommitted to the R and made some clear goals about what you should do to heal.
I'm sure it is VERY normal to have doubts and mistrust after there has been a betrayal like an affair. And I'm sure it probably takes years to build back the trust that was lost. However, the trust must be built back--it cannot just magically happen--it takes work. Bth H and W have to be committed to working toward that, otherwise reconcilliation is difficult, if not impossible.
YOur W tells you she wants to work it out but her actions contradict her words. Either she's in or she's out, but the half in and half out will only cause more mental anguish for you both. The mysterious outings and half truths trouble me and while I have no idea what you can do to encourage her to be more forthright, you should find a way to deal with it that lets your W know that you love her, but that if she is in this for a reconcilliation, she needs to be ALL the way in. Your W needs to decide where her priorities lie. If she needs to act like a teenager for a while then she should probably do that somewhere else. Right now her behavior is causing a major road block to building back trust in your relationship In fact, it is causing you both to lose trust in each other.
DBing does not mean to stay quiet about everything, but it does mean you should not make W responsible for your feelings. Rather thn asking for her password (which will probably make her feel like a busted teenager) I would say something like this: "W, I love you and think you are a wonderful woman. I would love for us to work on our marriage and build it into something loving and great again. I know this will take time and I have the patience to work on this with you. HOwever, if you do not feel that you can commit 100% to me and our M, then maybe we should spend some time apart so that you can sew your wild oats and I can get some clarity."
In this way, you express your unconditional love and also an empathy for her needs. YOu do not blame her for your feelings or ask her to change for you. YOu are inviting her to work on the marriage with you but also letting go of her if she wishes to behave in a way that hurts you and the M.
I'm not a phychologist, but I play one on TV. Althea
