My husbands MLC started a year ago. In August I filed for divorce knowing that is not what I really wanted. He let me know he didn't want to work on the marriage. I figured that was enough to make myself realize it was time to see an attorney. He always told me not to waste my money on a legal separation and just file for divorce cause that's where it would end up anyway. I just wanted him out of the house so he had time to himself to think about what he really wanted and I believed this would do it. He refused to move out when I asked him to so I needed the court system to do it. He wasn't happy when he was forced to leave.
He has always been a pessimistic person, me the optomist. Part of our problem now since the negative memories are the ones staying with him right now. Anyway, I am fearful that his being so negative about everything is the thing that will keep him from letting his guard down and want to try again.
I wish I would have found Divorce Remedy sooner because I just finished it and really saw our situation very similar to Carol & Dean's. My husband is however abusing alcohol but doesn't see his drinking as a problem. And I haven't seen anyone mention this, but this thing about me not being able to touch him. Even if its just to reach across the counter in front of him he jumps away. It's driving me nuts. How can they just shut you out and be so cold like that? I told him he treats me like I have the plague and since then he doesn't make it as obvious, but I still notice it.
He moved out Nov. 1 and the kids jump back and forth every couple of days. (Our county is totally 50/50 when it comes to divorce.) I have done the LRT by not calling him unless its for the kids, have gone back to work part time after raising the kids for 11 years, and am even enrolled in our area Technical College to go back to school. All of this has been very positive for me and I'm very happy with myself.
One of the things that has bothered me about him getting the kids so much is the fact that I have always been the one to be there for them and without going into details, literally raised them while he made the money. Well the kids (14 and 11) feel they can't talk to him and are afraid of him cause of his temper. My son has started having problems at school and this was all kept from H cause of my sons fear of him. It finally came to a point where I had to let H know how the kids felt. He was very receptive to what I had to say (of course he first had to ask if I had put these things in their minds) and admitted he didn't know how to communicate with them. We then had the kids join us and let them know they needed to help their dad learn how to communicate. He also promised to work on patience with them. Big step for him since this is what has bothered me for years about our marriage. Things are more relaxed between us since that talk. And I notice a change in the kids as well and am very thankful.
My question is now that I see his changes in him towards the kids, I really want to let him know how much this means to me cause its been the basis of the anger he has accused me of having that has, in his words, "brought us here". Being the pessimist that he is, would it be a bad move on my part to let him know that I appreciate the positive changes he has made towards his relationship with the kids. I'm just afraid, not knowing his state of mind lately, that he may take it as "I told you so" and not take it as a compliment. But I want him to know how much it means to me that their relationship is improving cause of him. That could be taken as blaming him. And he may think that I assume he is doing this for me which he wouldn't be happy with either.
Being the pessimist that he is, it makes it so difficult to believe that he can put aside his negative feelings and forget about the bad times in our marriage and believe that this new me is here to stay and that he could possibly even want to get to know this new me.
Michelle, your book has helped me a great deal so far and I know I will be going back to it time and time again for support and advice. You have really been a God-send for so many of us! I can't help to wonder if I read it too late since we are in the divorce stage. I just couldn't continue to let my daughter (14) believe that a husband treats his wife like a doormat and its okay. I felt I had no choice but to ask for a divorce. I still don't want the divorce but I couldn't continue the way it was. Help me believe its not too late! Thank you!!