I'm a little drained Amy. But I'm holding on. . . alright
I was worried about you. I looked for your lastest thread and couldn't find it I thought you had left without saying goodbye. Scared me.
Kevin was suppose to be home last friday . . . he called this morning in a funk and said he probably wouldn't make it until Thursday. It just makes me wonder what he's up to . . . . I'm just trying to fight off those thoughts. I'm also trying to decide where I stand on the big D . . . . so . . .
it's a rainy day and I think that's why I have been so emotional today. . . YUCK! I'm glad you are still around Amy!
I keep thinking about everything. I keep trying to convince myself to be still and wait this out. BUT I don't want it. I am trying to be still and let God move . . . but what if he has moved . . and it just wasn't ment to be?
I don't know if I "love" Kevin . . . . . anymore. Typical WAS behaviour I know . . . maybe that's what I am becoming.
He called earlier and was in a total FUNK! Grumpy, said he was on his way home, might not get here until tomorrow though . . . etc. He was cranky as all get out. It just put terror in my stomach . . . I am worried about how this time will be spent. I don't even want to see him. I just want him to come take what is his and get out of my life.
I spent the past almost 3 hours talking on the phone . . . . and I'm not getting into any other relationships or anything but it makes me feel like it's wrong to stay in a loveless marriage when I talk to my H for 5 minutes every week . . . and can spend three hours laughing on the phone with someone else.
I was in a good mood with H today . . . and he was nothing but rude and refused to talk at all. GRRRRRR
I wish it was true. Kevin isn't watching . . . . he has no intentions of us ever being together again.
Nor do I really. I have given up I suppose.
He is too clouded by her. That is the truth . . . the only thing on his agenda is HER. Not me or his children . . . HER.
I don't know how to push past that, that is his choice. I cannot make him love me. That is the cold hard truth. It's taken this long for me to understand that. Now I just feel it is time to dissovle it so we can both move on and well find happiness. No I don't want her in my childrens lives . . but that is HIS choice not mine. I cannot change it.
I don't know where to step when he resents me for everything I try. I let go he gets mad. I hold on he gets mad. I cannot find any middle ground with him. . . he's spent too long hating me.
Quote: I don't know where to step when he resents me for everything I try. I let go he gets mad. I hold on he gets mad. I cannot find any middle ground with him. . . he's spent too long hating me.
Okay, Emily. But you still have to go through a lot before it's really going to be over. Let it happen. And then see how God moves.
See, Emily it doesn't matter what Kevin says he feels or even what he does. I said to my husband I did not love him and wanted a divorce. I spent a couple years convincing him of that. He let me go. But look at how things have turned around. He had let me go.
Perhaps you have to let Kevin go, too. But don't avoid the natural things you are going to be brought to AND through. Do not spend your twenties with your head in the sand. Face your monsters. You've told us enough about your past that we know you have them. I had them to. They laid the foundation for my MLC. DO NOT LET THAT HAPPEN TO YOU.
You've been here all along for a reason. If it is only to hear this, then I pray you hear it.
Save yourself.
Do not let the things from your childhood creep up 10 or 15 years from now and do to you what they've done to me. Or cost you what they cost me.
Face them and bury them now.
You are loved. You are worthy. You are precious and you matter in this world. The things that are important to you are important to God.
No matter how far away you might have fallen, or ever fall from Him, think about my story and know He will never leave you either.
I agree with you very much I do have a lot more to go through, getting through the actual D will be hell, I know that.
I know all about those monsters you mentioned. But the journey this far has taught me soooo much, and helped me face sooo many of them.
I really honestly have been doing soooo much better. I am proud of myself.
I will give it time, I will hold my tongue and fight the demons as much as I can. But I will not fight him about the D any longer. . . . I don't feel it's right. If he is miserable all this week . . . I simply see no point to put all four of us through that, I know the kids pick up on it too. I have been so up lately, the only thing that brings me down is him. I worry about him. I really do. It's not that D would stop me from worry about him, but it would just be a totally different worry, a totally different ballgame. I just don't know. I just . . . . I guess it needs time, and space, and I need to be still and watch what happens in the next few days.
I am trying to feed the good wolf Amy, I swear. I am trying to do what is best for an entire "family" I don't see where causing him more pain and misery suits any of us. I don't see any good in it. I am going to go along with whatever he wants for now. If he shows up tomorrow screaming DIVORCE, I will simply agree.
