Well, a bit of an update. First off, I found out through her parents that she's been living with them in Chicago. The weird part is (based on my best guesses) I think the condoms and lingerie would have been taken just before she moved out there which makes no sense. I'm really extremely tempted to ask her about that, and it's so hard not to. But anyway, I got a response to her about that email I sent her. I really don't know how to respond. Needless to say, I disagree with her on a lot of things..

(first, stuff about insurance which I'm not bothering to copy...)
I do need the insurance, but then
again I'm not in CA right now anyway, and I don't know
when I'll be back. I have read your other email, and
I want to respond to it, but I am so confused as to
what to say. I actually hadn't read any of your emails
for a long time, because I was afraid you were mad at
me (note - I'm not sure how long she's been talking about since I've been going dark for a while now), and I finally read them all last night. I'm really
sorry about everything...I don't know how something
good could turn ugly either...when we first met, it
seemed like the right thing to do to be in a relationship,
but now it just doesn't feel right anymore. I'm going
through so many internal changes, and I really do feel
that I need the space to grow as an individual. Maybe
I shouldn't even be married, or in a relationship right
now for that matter. I don't want you to keep wondering
if I'll come back to you, because what if I never come
back. And it's been hard for me just knowing that you're
waiting for me, because it makes me feel tied down.
You're a special person, and I really do want you to be
happy, but maybe I'm not capable of giving you the
happiness you deserve. I want you to be free to find
someone who will, or even just to find happiness within
yourself. In the beginning everything seemed right,
and we had a lot of fun together...but now that the
infatuation has worn off, the deeper issues are coming
out, and I'm starting to express more of my true
personality rather than having it masked by the SAD,
it seems to me that we don't see eye to eye on a lot
of things. I don't want to get into who's right or
who's wrong, and maybe there is no right or wrong,
but I do need to express my own opinions and viewpoints,
and make my own decisions about what I want in life.
You may have ideas about what you think is best for
me, but I think I know myself better than anyone except
God, and I hope that you can accept and respect my
decisions. I am really sorry everything is such a
mess. I didn't intend for it to be this way. Maybe
I got married too soon, maybe I wasn't ready...I
thought it was what I wanted, and I was planning on
having it last forever...I guess I just never imagined
that I would want anything different. All the changes
I've gone through this year have made me reassess myself
a lot.

I guess I'm just starting to ramble now. What I'm
trying to say is, I really do care about you and
want you to be happy. I hate that things are so
messed up, because I just want to be happy. I think
maybe we both need the freedom to make our own way in
life...we jumped into a relationship so fast, we barely
had time to just get to know each other as friends.
I regret that now. I hope that we can still be friends
in the future, and I think that whatever's meant to
happen will happen. But I don't think my life can
move forward at this point until I have the freedom
to make my own way, with no ties to anyone. I hope
you can understand that.

I might have more to say later, but right now I have
to shower and eat and stuff.

--g

There are so many things I want to say in response to that, but I don't know what will make things worse, and what will help. This has been going on for way too long and it's tearing me up inside and I really don't know how much more I can take before I completely crack. Should I maybe start pusing for divorce and she how she responds? I feel incredibly alone right now. I've found friends and other things to occupy my time, but I still feel like a huge part of me has been torn away. I'm so confused....