Don't worry, I'm on the left coast so it was still well into my birthday when I read that
She did eventually send me an e-card. That's all though, something very simple and generic. I know we're supposed to look at the things our spouses do for us, but I know the way she usually is, and that was almost nothing. So I typed up a letter tonight, but I'm not going to send it right away. For one thing, I want to think about it a bit first before I send it, and I'd also like to get outside opinions. This is an amalgamation between the letter in the Love Must be Tough book and Brenda's letter in another thread and a bit of my own. In many ways, that thread was also a bit inspirational in getting me to go through with this. I hate to say it, but this has just been wearing me down, and I'm losing my resolve to get back together with her every day, and come one step closer to saying hell with it, I'll find someone who can appreciate me. Between going back to school finally, and working full-time I don't need this added stress.
Dear W,
I don't think I need to tell you about the stuff that happened today (note to self - change that to "this week" just wanted to make sure I remember ). I don't know if it means World War III, Armageddon, or just a quick decisive smackdown. But one thing I do know is that it got me thinking. I've heard many variations of the sentiment, "tell the people you love how you feel right now while you still can" over the last few days. But unfortunately I can't. The person I love doesn't want to be with me. That hurt a lot and re-opened a lot of wounds I thought were healing. I just kept telling myself that it was only temporary. Then on Thursday my birthday came. All I received from you was one e-card. No personal message, no phone call, no efforts to physically be with me. Nothing. I had a bit of an epiphany at that point. I've thought about the people I care about and how I treat them and how they treat me in return. I've thought about who has been there for me when I needed them. I've thought about how I've tried to accept your affair and your indecision out of fear of losing you. I've even accepted your unwillingness to even refer to your affair as an affair. I'm not going to do that anymore. If you want to leave the marriage, you're welcome to do so. Maybe it will even be for the best. I'm not even sure if I can ever trust you again or feel the way that I once did. I know I wasn't a perfect husband, but no other woman has touched me since I pledged myself to you. But you violated my trust. I'm no longer special to you. I can't live with that. I'd rather face life alone. I used to admire your honesty and trustworthiness. It's very painful when something you admire about someone ceases to exist. I don't think I can be friends with you for a good long while, if ever, after the way you've hurt me. I've tried, but I feel so cheated and so hurt. No one has ever hurt me the way you have. I've been trying to convince myself that you have a sickness and to a certain extent you do, but you chose this pathway of your own free will knowing the consequences and the destruction you would cause. I remember when you used to get jealous of me talking to other women when I never gave you any reason to mistrust me. I wonder how you'll deal with someone who really can't be trusted. If you think you don't want to be with me any longer, I hope you find happiness somewhere else. I'm still not sure how something so wonderful and beautiful became so dirty and ugly, but that is between you and God. We both have to answer to Him someday, and my conscience is clear. So what next? I don't know, but I know I can't continue with the way things are. You say you aren't sure what you want? That isn't very inspiring to me. You pledged eternal love and commitment to me on our wedding day, but now you've changed your mind. I'm not going to lie to myself and pretend the hurt is going to go away anytime soon (if ever). I'm not going to pretend that the Bible can be re-interpreted so that this is what God wants somehow. But I'm also going to stop pretending that you'll come back to me. If, in the future, you decide you want to be my wife, then we'll talk about it and see what happens. I'm doing everything possible to remove you from my heart, to spare myself more pain. So far it hasn't been easy. You were my only love, the only one I ever wanted. This was not the future that I built our life around. But that was then. Things change. I will still be praying for you very much. I pray that you can overcome your problems. I pray that God can forgive you for your sins against me. I pray that God can forgive me for anything I may have done to lead you to them.
God bless you, W. I will always miss you.
Love, UN
So what do you think? I keep thinking that this is the right thing to do, but I'm so scared of actually letting go.
[This message has been edited by UserName (edited 09-14-2001).]
[This message has been edited by UserName (edited 09-14-2001).]
I think it's wonderful with 2 minor exceptions. Don't blame or diagnose her because if you do, that's the only thing she will read in the letter and miss out on the other great stuff you've written. So take out the parts about her being sick or having problems or sinning against you. Then, in my opinion, it couldn't be more perfect.
A brief update on my situation. Our last counseling session was a good one, in that the therapist worked with us on communication issues (I told her one of the things I needed was to improve my relationship skills) and she recommended a book by John Gottman, Why Marriages Suceed or Fail, which I am reading now. I am more comfortable that the therapist may have more on the ball than I thought.
Now for the bad news. I gave my W a copy of the Loves Illusions and Marriage Map section of the Divorce Remedy, and the article on Spending Time Together. The results...NG (not good). W basically said that while the articles had some useful information, they oversimplified the issues, and did not acknowledge that differences in beliefs and values could possibly be the "real" underlying root causes of our marital distress, and as such, solutions that focus on changing behaviors do not really address the issues.
Oh well. A long and typically circular 3 hour discussion ensued (I should have just said..very interesting and changed the subject, but she seemed intent on drawing me in..so like the good fish I am, I took the bait and ended up flopping around on the deck), leaving us both feeling frustrated. Bad move on my part.
Well, I was going to wait until after I talk to therapist, but I sent it anyway. I've been getting suspicious that she's back with OM and it's even starting to look like maybe things are going farther (basically, I noticed that a lot more of her things are gone then I thought.... including lingerie and condoms. I still can't match that up with her frame of mind before she left and I'm sure there *could* be some other explanation, but regardless, it's still suspicious.), so I decided I needed to send it. I'm not a strong person and I can only take so much. Maybe it really is time to move on. I don't want to, but what choice do I have?
At what point do you know whether or not your spouse is going to come to their senses?
Michele, It seems like the book is mainly oriented toward couples that are not separated. I was reading chapter 5 stop going down the sheeseless tunel. How do you apply some of these principles when your spouse is not in the house? Obviously they are not around a whole a lot. My husband passed the BAR exam. I send him a e-card as a congratulation and we all went out for a dinner to celebrate. Little uncomfy but we did it, his mother and her husband joined us. He also wants me to go to the swearing ceremony with him. I am trying not to read too much into it. Our counselor said that at first of November my husband and I need to decide as to whether to commit on committing to saving this marriage. Is 5-6 weeks enough to make that decision. She also asked us what would change we both had something to say me = trust = friendship, him = more consistent behavior on my part. I was surprised that he didn't say it is too later she can't do anything, as that is what he has told me. He hasn't said not to send cards, I have been nice when he comes over, trying to do the caring thing. took our D to his moms house so she can spend the night there with him. They had a lot of fun. Any tips, ideas? If you can answer some of the questions above. I think I am all over the place in this message. But I have been patient and I am working really hard on not to bring OR talks over the next seeks weeks. I am trying to just set the friendship mood. Maybe in 3 weeks or so I will see whether he wants to go see a movie? ARGH decisions decisions.
I agree that the book does seem to be aimed more at couple who are together.
I'm trying to deal with a h who is in MLC, has an ow, we've been separated since Jan., he is supporting me finacially, but we have no contact other than e-mail which is very brief and businesslike. There has been no mention of divorce, just no talk at all.
My question is: in reading your books you talk about 180's, if it isn't working, change, LRT. Yet, when I read your section on MLC, I understand that I should take care of me, and basically leave him alone. Go totally dark. Just wait it out. So is MLC handled totally different than other marital problems? Thanks for this column! I live in a very small town and don't have access to counseling.
Hi Everyone! With all the tragedy going on I hate to focus too much on myself, but need some input. Update: Been divorced 4 yrs, ex still lives with OW, but our hatewall is down and we have become casual friends. Have had lunch together several times, with last time being last week. We even had a quick hug goodbye and ex even gave me quick playful pinch on the bottom! Things slowly progressing as hoped.. I have two of my four children in the military. After Tuesday tragedy, one of them got a quick phone call to me. I, of course, emailed my ex and told him and stated I would let him know of any further contact and would hope he would do the same. Ex is career military and knows my feelings, etc about all of this stuff. The next day, I got a very brief impersonal email that basically said he had not heard of either son. That was it. What did I learn?? That my expectations were way off base! I expected him to call me the night of the tragedy and we would worry together about the boys!! I expected him to act like my husband, and not an ex spouse, who lives with OW and is being comforted by her!. I wanted him to feel that emotional connection that obviously isn't there with me. His reaction caught me totally off guard, and I don't know how to handle his lack of emotional support--this isn't about marriage restoration right now. This is about our two sons probably going to war! I have plenty of friends that can offer emotional support, but its not the same as being with the father of your children at a time like this. I need advice. Do I just come right out and ask for emotional support from him, or just let him go his own way and get through this the best I can without expecting anything from him? With so much other pain and tragedy going on around America, I feel so very selfish asking for advice, but I think the hope of any future reconcilliation is hanging by a thread on the way my ex responds. It just doesn't seem appropriate for me to be setting any goal or formulating a plan right now.
db713, i know this is the place for michele to answer, but i know you're distressed and if it takes a few hours or so for her to answer....what struck me is this is a military guy, and he has been trained for a certain way of responding and this tragedy has probably invoked that kind of response from him. And that may be all he can do at this time.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
thank you for the reply. I do not plan on contacting my ex again about this. I have to realize that despite being the father of my children, he still is ex spouse, not current spouse.That is going to be my "plan". My "goal" is for him to reach out to me for emotional support, and that will only be accomplished by him doing it on his own. I have made the "bid" and now will have to wait forany further response to my bid. I am going to put aside my own personal drama and focus on reaching out and helping others, especially with all the world in chaos right now. There is more going on out there, and "it's not all about me!" My problems seems preety small right now compared to what is going on in our nation.
Pas, Just a short suggestion. Say to your wife, "i know you won't agree with this and you probably wiil think I'm making excuses, but this is one of the big reasons I didn't do anything different." And then tell her your explanation. In order for her to disagree with you- which she might be prone to do right now- she will have to agree with you. See what I mean.
But, if she argues with you, don't argue back. Just say, "I could see how you'd feel that way." Michele
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