Don't worry, I'm on the left coast so it was still well into my birthday when I read that

She did eventually send me an e-card. That's all though, something very simple and generic. I know we're supposed to look at the things our spouses do for us, but I know the way she usually is, and that was almost nothing. So I typed up a letter tonight, but I'm not going to send it right away. For one thing, I want to think about it a bit first before I send it, and I'd also like to get outside opinions. This is an amalgamation between the letter in the Love Must be Tough book and Brenda's letter in another thread and a bit of my own. In many ways, that thread was also a bit inspirational in getting me to go through with this. I hate to say it, but this has just been wearing me down, and I'm losing my resolve to get back together with her every day, and come one step closer to saying hell with it, I'll find someone who can appreciate me. Between going back to school finally, and working full-time I don't need this added stress.

Dear W,

I don't think I need to tell you about the stuff that happened today (note to self - change that to "this week" just wanted to make sure I remember ). I
don't know if it means World War III, Armageddon, or just a quick decisive
smackdown. But one thing I do know is that it got me thinking. I've heard
many variations of the sentiment, "tell the people you love how you feel
right now while you still can" over the last few days. But unfortunately I
can't. The person I love doesn't want to be with me. That hurt a lot and
re-opened a lot of wounds I thought were healing. I just kept telling
myself that it was only temporary. Then on Thursday my birthday came. All
I received from you was one e-card. No personal message, no phone call, no
efforts to physically be with me. Nothing.
I had a bit of an epiphany at that point. I've thought about the people
I care about and how I treat them and how they treat me in return. I've
thought about who has been there for me when I needed them. I've thought
about how I've tried to accept your affair and your indecision out of fear
of losing you. I've even accepted your unwillingness to even refer to your
affair as an affair. I'm not going to do that anymore. If you want to
leave the marriage, you're welcome to do so. Maybe it will even be for the
best. I'm not even sure if I can ever trust you again or feel the way that
I once did. I know I wasn't a perfect husband, but no other woman has
touched me since I pledged myself to you. But you violated my trust. I'm
no longer special to you. I can't live with that. I'd rather face life
alone. I used to admire
your honesty and trustworthiness. It's very painful when something you
admire about someone ceases to exist. I don't think I can be friends with
you for a good long while, if ever, after the way you've hurt me. I've
tried, but I feel so cheated and so hurt. No one has ever hurt me the way
you have. I've been trying to convince myself that you have a sickness and
to a certain extent you do, but you chose this pathway of your own free will
knowing the consequences and the destruction you would cause. I remember
when you used to get jealous of me talking to other women when I never gave
you any reason to mistrust me. I wonder how you'll deal with someone who
really can't be trusted.
If you think you don't want to be with me any longer, I hope you find
happiness somewhere else. I'm still not sure how something so wonderful and
beautiful became so dirty and ugly, but that is between you and God. We
both have to answer to Him someday, and my conscience is clear.
So what next? I don't know, but I know I can't continue with the way things are. You say you aren't sure what you want?
That isn't very inspiring to me. You pledged eternal love and commitment to
me on our wedding day, but now you've changed your mind. I'm not going to
lie to myself and pretend the hurt is going to go away anytime soon (if
ever). I'm not going to pretend that the Bible can be re-interpreted so
that this is what God wants somehow. But I'm also going to stop pretending
that you'll come back to me. If, in the future, you decide you want to be
my wife, then we'll talk about it and see what happens. I'm doing
everything possible to remove you from my heart, to spare myself more pain.
So far it hasn't been easy. You were my only love, the only one I ever
wanted. This was not the future that I built our life around. But that was
then. Things change. I will still be praying for you very much. I pray
that you can overcome your problems. I pray that God can forgive you for
your sins against me. I pray that God can forgive me for anything I may
have done to lead you to them.

God bless you, W. I will always miss you.

Love,
UN

So what do you think?
I keep thinking that this is the right thing to do, but I'm so scared of actually letting go.


[This message has been edited by UserName (edited 09-14-2001).]

[This message has been edited by UserName (edited 09-14-2001).]