Starting from scratch...

[StrongEnough]

Thanks for the input Cat and Sven. I appreciate that you took the time to drop by.

Here's my update:

H came home early from work last night. He wanted to talk. I basically told him that I have had it with his temper and his outbursts. I reminded him of a year and a half ago when I threw him out for the same thing. I basically told him that I want to go home. I don't want to live here anymore.

Naturally, we argued....I won't get into all the details. Basically, he started me off by threatning to file for custody of the kids. He then told me he was done with me and our M. I told him that I no longer wanted to be with him. That for two years now not one thing has changed. His entire argument about the whole thing:
I don't want to move.....I like it here.
More me, me, me and more me.

It was all about HIM. Really made a strong statement to me there. He proceeded to get into calling me names like F*n idiot, irresponsible b*.........you get the picture.

Today things aren't all that much better. He is at work and I worked earlier so atleast we aren't home together. He called me several times at work just to yell at me over nonsense things. He is full of anger and I guess right now I wait it out and see where he directs it.

Even though my parents are seperated, they are pulling together and waiting on word from me. If need be, they can be here in three hours with two U-Hauls to move me, the kids and our belongings out. Unfortunately, my mother is literally sick with worry. She says she is tired of the abuse he puts all of us through and hurting our DD that way was the last straw.

So, I am *trying* to stay calm and in control of myself. Working and taking care of my kids. I am afraid that once the anger subsides he will go back to the guilt tactics. I am basically stuck here with him until the house sells.

Ugh.........

Thanks again for the advice everyone. I knew what I had to do. I knew enough was enough. I guess it just made me feel like so much of a failure that I needed to hear from other people it was still ok.

~SE

[StrongEnough]

Journaling:

Today I start trying to detach. It is going to be very difficult since we are living in the same house. I work and come home with the kids. No opportunity to GAL. I don't know anyone here and there literally is nothing to do. Anything is atleast 1+ hours away.

This morning H comes up to me, hugs me, tells me he still loves me but will respect my wishes. I backed away from the hug. He asked why I didn't want to hug him and I told him that just yesterday he was calling me at work yelling, screaming and swearing at me. He says it's because he's p*ssed. The anger came right back. He said "Forget it...I tried".

Now, I am sitting here wondering what to make of it. A big part of me thinks it's more of his manipulation. The "I'm sorry sweetheart....I promise to change even though there is nothing wrong with me". His anger came back too quickly to have been sincere.

Not in a very good mood today. Feeling sad. Feeling sad for my kids.

I don't really know that I belong in piecing anymore. I don't know where I belong. I just feel like I really don't fit in anywhere. Not in this state, not at my job, not in my marriage or family and not on this board.

Well, if you actually read through my crap this far.....thanks. I have to get heading out for work soon. Tomorrow is my day off and it is also my H's day off. This is going to be interesting to say the least.

~SE

[cat03]

Hugs SE, I pray all goes for the best of you and the kids))))))

Wish your H will see what he is doing but apparently he is still in cloud 9.

[SvenTheRed]

SE,

Sounds like the right thing to do.

This post got me thinking however - about 180's.

Let's just say, you want out. Particularly, you want out of a controlling, manipulative R. Is that true? From all I have read, you really need some distance - and some time to work on yourself - as a person and a mother - FIRST - then as a partner and a wife.

What if you gave yourself 20 minutes to sit and think about all of your actions that cause a "reaction" from your H. Start with what happened this AM. What caused him to react? Sincere or not - men seek some form of validation - I'm suspecting that it is what he was looking for. Have you considered that if you just hugged him and you were fully aware that it was manipulation, then isn't it YOU that are the manipulator?

I did this with my WAW. I KNEW she was just keeping me at enough distance (delaying the D, etc.) because she 1) saw changes in me that she liked, but wasn't sure if they would last and 2) had a sinking feeling the OM would not work out. You know what, both were true - she told me this herself. And since I knew full well what was going on - I began to feel less manipulated because it allowed me to start calling the shots.

Look, I don't suspect you like his outbursts so what if this AM, you had let him hug you? And then just A/V'd his comments. THEN, continue on with your life - detaching - getting your life in order, preparing to move, divorce, etc.

GAL'g is as much about getting your house in order as it is getting out with friend or whatever. I used to GAL at a Starbucks in Nashua - just laying out my plan. I know you are in the woods, but there must be a coffee shop (Dunkies?) nearby. Just get out of the house and write your plan.

And write about how you are going to change your interactions - 180's so that his pissy attitude doesn't come into play.

I'll tell you, as much as it sucked, for me embracing the fact I was getting divorced - and figuring out ways that WAS and I could "interact" without tension was EXTREMELY fulfilling for me. Furthermore, it built a foundation for how we interact today. Light years beyond the 14 years together before the bomb.

Let me finish with a loving 2x4 - please stop insinuating that you have little worth - get a good counselor if you don't have one already. YOU, only YOU have to power to make your life what you want it to be and you can do it. Real growth (personally and spiritually) does NOT come without cost and effort but it comes with the biggest rewards. Stop trying to guess if he is manipulating you - assume that he is. Start focusing on 180's that would take the hot air out of his balloon and keep walking your path.

You can do this.

Sven

[always_14]

Kiddo. I remember posting together long ago, almost exactly 1 year ago, actually.

I just caught up on the latest and I am so sorry. I am sorry that you feel alone, unloved and cornered.

I just want you to know that I am thinking of you, praying for you and your family and lifting you up.

My love to you and wishes that you may find some peace soon

[StrongEnough]

Cat- Thanks for the hugs and the prayers! I need all of both that I can get right now!

Sven-

Have you considered that if you just hugged him and you were fully aware that it was manipulation, then isn't it YOU that are the manipulator?

Sorry but you lost me on this one. I am really trying to see where the manipulation on my part came in. If it's so, then perhaps I am missing a big piece of the puzzle here.

You have always amazed me with the stregth, courage and grace that you had throughout your situation. You always seemed to make the best of the worst situations.

For now, I will be using my dinner breaks at work to work on me. I am a huge writer. I need to write it down, see it and refer back to it. Helps keep me sane.

Always- Long time no see! How are things with you? Thanks so much for dropping by. Isn't it amazing how fast time goes by? A year ago we were both posting...........I started DB'ing 2003. I am older now but not much wiser.

I'm sorry I keep saying negative things about myself. I guess when you hear it all the time, you start to truly believe it. My biggest obstacle will be working on my self esteem which is pretty much shot.

All is quiet here on our day off together. H is mad at me for going out for a beer with a co-worker after work last night. (female ofcourse) The first time in almost 8 months I go out (for 30 minutes) with a friend and I am considered selfish. GAL is almost impossible.

Today I work on small goals:
Going through my closets and drawers and getting rid of stuff that doesn't fit me, that I haven't worn or is just old and ratty. Time to start paying more attention to how I look because I know it will directly affect how I feel about myself.

Taking D out shopping tonight for some new hair things. I need to spend some quality time with her and it's something I never get to do.

If I have time, get to the hairdressers.

Thanks again to everyone who stopped by. I appreciate everyone's input.

~SE

[EverHopeful]

StrongEnough-
I will try to catch up on your sitch but in the interim. i wanted to send you ***HUGS***. You are a good person, a person of value or the Good Lord would not have put you on his beautiful EARTH. You do not have to take any nonsense from anyone, no matter who they are. Keep you head to the sky, okay? Things will get better, really they will.

[believing_isaiah43]

SE,
I am sorry for your situation and your jacka$$ of a H. But YOU are worthy, and wonderful, you just have had the beatdown of your life the last few years. I think you truly can walk away KNOWING you've done all YOU can for your M. Violence, near violence, or just plain ugly crap is NOT GOOD for your D to see/witness, and you know that.

I KNOW you can do this. I will check in and be glad to support you however possible. You have many wise friends from the boards here; lean on us, we can help you, but PLEASE do try to get a C for yourself.

And? If I may? FCUK your H: you go get a beer once a week with that co-worker. You deserve THAT, for sure.

Also like your plans around the house. You absolutely will feel better to do something for yourself!

\o/\o/\o/ Three Cheers for YOU!

[StrongEnough]

Thanks EverHopefuly and BI. Your posts mean a lot to me.

BI- You are right. If I want to go have a beer with my co-worker then I am going to. She is having a difficult time in her M too. It's nice to have someone to talk to.

Yesterday wasn't without it's problems. H asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner with him. I declined. I told him I would like us to take the kids. He was mad at that. He did try to impress me though, getting dressed up and putting on his cologne. Somehow, it had no effect on me.

After the kids were in bed I decided to head to bed and watch a movie. H was sitting on the couch watching tv. He got all bent out of shape that I was going to bed and watching a movie alone. He went downstairs, slamming the door. He then came upstairs to our bedroom telling me that he had left me alone all day to give me time to think about what I wanted. (His time alone is....him working in the garage and me chasing our S3 around and doing laundry). Asked me what more I wanted? I told him I thought he was being ridiculous because I wanted to lay in bed and put a movie on. He said "You just don't want to spend time with me" to which I replied "You're right, I don't". He got SUPER mad and said "F*ck you then" and stormed out of the room.

I woke up this morning to him sleeping on the couch. His own fault since there is a guest room complete with comfortable bed and all.

So, I guess as it stands now he is wanting me to think about things. This is his pattern. He will push/pursue constantly as to whether or not I have changed my mind.

The biggest thing for me is that I can't seem to get him to see how unhealthy our R is for me. How unhealthy is has always been. When we are together he has the ability to squash my personality, make me feel insecure, make me feel worthless. He brings my self esteem down so low I can't stand my own reflection in the mirror. Now, I know that a lot of these issues are esssentially mine to own I just can't figure out why they aren't an issue when we aren't together. Anyone have any insight?

~SE

[cat03]

when you are in a certain sitch for so long, it becomes the norm and one doens't question it.

Have you guys had C seesions together at all?