Starting from scratch...

[StrongEnough]

Thanks EverHopefuly and BI. Your posts mean a lot to me.

BI- You are right. If I want to go have a beer with my co-worker then I am going to. She is having a difficult time in her M too. It's nice to have someone to talk to.

Yesterday wasn't without it's problems. H asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner with him. I declined. I told him I would like us to take the kids. He was mad at that. He did try to impress me though, getting dressed up and putting on his cologne. Somehow, it had no effect on me.

After the kids were in bed I decided to head to bed and watch a movie. H was sitting on the couch watching tv. He got all bent out of shape that I was going to bed and watching a movie alone. He went downstairs, slamming the door. He then came upstairs to our bedroom telling me that he had left me alone all day to give me time to think about what I wanted. (His time alone is....him working in the garage and me chasing our S3 around and doing laundry). Asked me what more I wanted? I told him I thought he was being ridiculous because I wanted to lay in bed and put a movie on. He said "You just don't want to spend time with me" to which I replied "You're right, I don't". He got SUPER mad and said "F*ck you then" and stormed out of the room.

I woke up this morning to him sleeping on the couch. His own fault since there is a guest room complete with comfortable bed and all.

So, I guess as it stands now he is wanting me to think about things. This is his pattern. He will push/pursue constantly as to whether or not I have changed my mind.

The biggest thing for me is that I can't seem to get him to see how unhealthy our R is for me. How unhealthy is has always been. When we are together he has the ability to squash my personality, make me feel insecure, make me feel worthless. He brings my self esteem down so low I can't stand my own reflection in the mirror. Now, I know that a lot of these issues are esssentially mine to own I just can't figure out why they aren't an issue when we aren't together. Anyone have any insight?

~SE