Starting from scratch...

[StrongEnough]

Oops.....found it.

Well, if anyone remembers me....I am here to update and get any and all advice I can.

Since I last posted...I have been putting in many long hours at work. That part is done and my schedule is just now getting back to normal.

Things at home have stayed pretty much the same. Not much changing between H and I. Still both just doing our own thing. H still treating me (what I consider) poorly. I think we have pushed each other so far away there may be no way back.

His temper hasn't gotten much better. He's very moody lately, for obvious reasons. Never in a good mood, never smiles. Same old stuff.

Yesterday..our DD was acting up. Long story short he ended up flipping out on her. He sent her to her room and followed her up there. He started screaming and swearing at her, kicked her chair across the room and broke it and ended up swinging at her to hit her. When he did, she put her arm up in defense and he caight her finger. He took off after to go to work. I called him demanding he come back and take her to the ER for x-rays as it was swollen and red. When he got home his words to her were "Didn't I tell you before if you kept acting this way you were going to get hurt? Now we have to lie at the hospital." I flew the stairs and flipped out on him. I told him how dare he make her feel like this is her fault. How dare he encourage her to lie. After all was said and done he ended up mad at me for not being supportive of him and never being there for him. Instead of consoling him, I yelled at him. That ticked him off. In the meantime, I told my mother what happened. Sufficed to say she is FUMING. With his history of being controlling and his temper and outbursts she is worried about all of our well-being here out in the woods hours away from anybody.

Last night H pretty much said he was wrong and he has patched things up with DD. Says they both agreed they need to change. Proceeded to tell me I was making a mountain of a molehill because I was still angry at him for what he did. Naturally, he then turned it around to point out every last fault I have and how horrible of a mother I am.

This morning we finally got around to talking about us. He said he knows I don't want to be with him any longer. I told him he was right.....that is how I have been feeling for a bit. He asked me what I wanted to do. I told him I didn't know.

So now, I am sitting here and here is what is running through my mind:
- I don't want to hurt my kids. They are my world and their happiness is the most important thing to me.
- What if we seperate/D and a few years from now (and a lot of counseling and personal growth)I think that I made a mistake? I already feel I have made so many wrong choices that I have totally messed up my life and my children's lives.
-How am I supposed to function? I feel like I am back at square one the day H walked on me four years ago.

Please, if anyone is out there today, I could really use some direction here.

Thanks,
~SE