Hey SE, I changed the link under my signature so you can find me...just moved over to MLC after a year in Newcomers . I'm doing well and feeling pretty happy. I am more independent every day. I have moments of saddness, but they are fleeting. I look upon H now as a distant relative. SOmeone I care for, that I had a great history with, but who I am not connected to on a deep level anymore. I b!tch about him every now and then here or to a friend or two, but he is who he is--not a bad guy, not a good guy, just a guy who mistakenly thought the means justified the ends.
I admire all the people here who are fighting for their marriages. Sometimes they are saved, and other times, they are not, but one thing we can all hope to achieve by coming here is that we grow stronger and more independent and eventually escape the despair of it all.
Have you checked out the new forum "I'm thinking about leaving?" Those in your situation suffer a lot too and they may have helpful advise for you over there. Also, maybe MLC can offer a comforting ear.
I think you just have to take from the board what is useful for you and leave what isn't.
When I was trying to get pregnant for 5 years, I remember how I felt when women who were pregnant would complain about morning sickness or stretch marks and I would feel indignant--like I would give my pinky finger to have the priveledge of morning sickness and a bloated belly. Maybe that is what you are sensitive about--that you don't want to appear to be taking for granted what so many of the people wish they had--their marriage back. But SE, everyone wants a better marriage than before right? They don't want to go back to something worse.
Nobody wants to live in a loveless marriage. Bitterness and resenmtment build up in those situations and are bad medicine for the children--trust me on that, I know from my own parents. Of course the children come first, but what is trully best for them? Why do you say you would you lose everything? Wouldn't everything be split down the middle? Why would you have to move out, not him? There are always creative solutions. It's hard to know what your H is thinking right now, but his behavior is suspicious. HAve you talked about a trial separation?
Anyway, nothing is black and white--there are many shades of grey when it comes to going on from here. I believe in honesty and transparency. Even if you don't feel it right now, there was a time when you loved and respected your H. If you come from a place of love in your heart and talk to him in earnest about what you want, then the stagnation stops. It may be difficult and painful, but what worth doing isn't?
hey toots, was wondering what happened to you, I'm sorry it isnt' going so well now but regardless I would like to see you post to vent, whine, anything, that's what we are here for, and pretty much everyone here knows that piecing is very hard and we all need each other, I have learned so much and this amazing support group has taught me that acting on every feeling that comes to my head isnt' the brightest idea.
What did you H said about the 800min? are you seeing a C or a T?
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Hummmm.... after six months of divorce and a situation similar to what you are describing (a husband hiding his cell phone, using lots of minutes, and erasing stuff on it... etc...).
If I were in your sitch I'd probably start looking at myself more closely. What do I need to do for me to make me happy, and what do I need to do professionally (school, classes, maybe even career change) to be more prepared to take care of my kids if something happens with my marriage.
It sounds like you're looking at choices and considering things.
I know the kid part is hard. That tore me up most during my divorce. There was this part of me that wanted to chuck the whole sitch, leave the kids with their father, and move out to Florida where my dad lives. I'd dream about getting some hoaky job while hanging out at the beach, making friends and then writing a novel in my spare time (that's my MLC dream!).
Besides trying to take one day at a time do try and work on some 180s and GAL. Do some things for yourself. Maybe you can arrange for H to watch the kids so you can go out with some girlfriend's to dinner. Begin gettting your support group together. Start having more fun so you feel good about yourself.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Well, if anyone remembers me....I am here to update and get any and all advice I can.
Since I last posted...I have been putting in many long hours at work. That part is done and my schedule is just now getting back to normal.
Things at home have stayed pretty much the same. Not much changing between H and I. Still both just doing our own thing. H still treating me (what I consider) poorly. I think we have pushed each other so far away there may be no way back.
His temper hasn't gotten much better. He's very moody lately, for obvious reasons. Never in a good mood, never smiles. Same old stuff.
Yesterday..our DD was acting up. Long story short he ended up flipping out on her. He sent her to her room and followed her up there. He started screaming and swearing at her, kicked her chair across the room and broke it and ended up swinging at her to hit her. When he did, she put her arm up in defense and he caight her finger. He took off after to go to work. I called him demanding he come back and take her to the ER for x-rays as it was swollen and red. When he got home his words to her were "Didn't I tell you before if you kept acting this way you were going to get hurt? Now we have to lie at the hospital." I flew the stairs and flipped out on him. I told him how dare he make her feel like this is her fault. How dare he encourage her to lie. After all was said and done he ended up mad at me for not being supportive of him and never being there for him. Instead of consoling him, I yelled at him. That ticked him off. In the meantime, I told my mother what happened. Sufficed to say she is FUMING. With his history of being controlling and his temper and outbursts she is worried about all of our well-being here out in the woods hours away from anybody.
Last night H pretty much said he was wrong and he has patched things up with DD. Says they both agreed they need to change. Proceeded to tell me I was making a mountain of a molehill because I was still angry at him for what he did. Naturally, he then turned it around to point out every last fault I have and how horrible of a mother I am.
This morning we finally got around to talking about us. He said he knows I don't want to be with him any longer. I told him he was right.....that is how I have been feeling for a bit. He asked me what I wanted to do. I told him I didn't know.
So now, I am sitting here and here is what is running through my mind: - I don't want to hurt my kids. They are my world and their happiness is the most important thing to me. - What if we seperate/D and a few years from now (and a lot of counseling and personal growth)I think that I made a mistake? I already feel I have made so many wrong choices that I have totally messed up my life and my children's lives. -How am I supposed to function? I feel like I am back at square one the day H walked on me four years ago.
Please, if anyone is out there today, I could really use some direction here.
Thanks, ~SE
I'm moving on...at last I can see...life has been patiently waiting for me.
Me-32 WAH-35 DD-11 DS-4 H left 11-03 Piecing- 12/04 WAH again- 03/07 Married 12 years Divorce final May 15, 2007
I admire you wanting whats best for your kids. but you stated he is controling, moody, kicks chairs and takes swings at the kids. I'm thinkin an appt for you and the kids might seem like Disney world compared to the situation they're in now.
I mean, does he have to escalate the violence before a decision is made?
I think you know the right answer, of course it isn't an easy answer, but I trust you'll do the right thing.
Thanks for the response. To answer your question, I think it has already escalated to violence.
I do know what the right decision is. It certainly isn't the easiest.
Luckily, an event like yesterday isn't an everyday occurance. But, it does happen. About a year or so ago I threw him out for the very same thing. Sent him to go stay somewhere else until he cooled off and thought about his temper. He admitted then it was a problem...but now it's MY problem because I am making a "big deal" out of it. That is was a mere accident.
My hurdle is living in another state then my family. I am out in the woods. I have no siupport and no neighbors or friends in the area. The house is in my name but I can't afford it on my own. If I ask him to leave I am stuck out here totally alone with my kids.
He has gotten much better at manipulation. I can't put my thoughts together. He tells me a lot of this is my fault and I believe him. I feel useless, worthless, like I can't do anything right and like if I choose to leave that I don't care about my family.
I'm moving on...at last I can see...life has been patiently waiting for me.
Me-32 WAH-35 DD-11 DS-4 H left 11-03 Piecing- 12/04 WAH again- 03/07 Married 12 years Divorce final May 15, 2007
honey, i'm just caching up to your sitch, I'm sorry things are no better.
You have to think in the long run what will be the best for the kids, seeing both of you get at each other's throats or living peacefully elsewhere. I too would be sad if my kids where to loose our home w/a yard, but above all, I'd want them to grow up happy, w/a happy me. If you are feeling worthless and HE is making you feel this way, you must realize that the situation is getting from bad to worse and that the house isn't worth your sanity. You are becoming a sad scared person, is that the mother you want for the kids?
My H's mom put up w/her abuse H to keep the home, they ended being two strangers who hated each other under the same roof, my H has issues like no one's business. One time he laid it on his mom something awful, about how she keep that awful man around them only to keep appearances and the facade of a "normal" family".
The choice isnt' easy at all, I feel your pain SE, but please think of the future, you deserve to be happy and this situation isnt' getting any better. If you choose to leave it wouldn't make you weak, it takes a strong person to stand for herself and the ones she/he loves.
I will keep you in my prayers)))))))))))))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Buddy, I'm bummed to hear things haven't gotten better....but I'm with Cat - it might just be time to say enough is enough.
I mean, even thought I'm piecing, in a lot of ways I'm doing it on MY terms - I think that this is what sometimes makes piecing so difficult - when we get our WAS's back, if we retain the inner strenght it can sometimes cause conflict. I mean, heck, we prepared ourselves for the worse so sometimes it a bit tough to break out of.
But the bottom line is, we need march forward toward something we WANT - and if you cannot do that with a partner - equally vested in making it better - then what is the point?
I know for me I wanted by kids to see a set of parents that while we couldn't live together anymore, cared deeply about them and that I act as a role model for them and for the relationships they were going to have in the future.
There is no room in this world for repression - you are far to good a person for that. It clearly is your H that does not share that vision and to me, it's time to find someone that will.
You need something positive in your life - sounds like he aint it.
Take your life back - its YOURS.
E
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
. I'm doing well and feeling pretty happy. I am more independent every day. I have moments of saddness, but they are fleeting. I look upon H now as a distant relative. SOmeone I care for, that I had a great history with, but who I am not connected to on a deep level anymore. I b!tch about him every now and then here or to a friend or two, but he is who he is--not a bad guy, not a good guy, just a guy who mistakenly thought the means justified the ends.
Instead of consoling him, I yelled at him. That ticked him off. In the meantime, I told my mother what happened. Sufficed to say she is FUMING. With his history of being controlling and his temper and outbursts she is worried about all of our well-being here out in the woods hours away from anybody. 
