I can sort of understand where you're at. For about 5 years I went through a lot of the feelings you're describing.

I felt like nothing I ever did was good enough, when I'd make the changes my husband wanted he'd find other faults in me. I remember feeling like I was walking on eggshells and there being a lot of tension. And I remember trying to do everything I could to make things work. I felt pretty hopeless about my marriage

Although my husband did this even before the A, I think the outlook and constantly finding fault in me made it easier for him to start an affair. Maybe giving them him "license" to do so... He saw me as a cause for his unhappiness, he needed a change and many men can't leave unless there's someone to leave too.

My husband also had an affair before the last one, moved out and joined Yahoo personals once, filed for divorce and then stopped it while we supposedly were "working on the marriage," then met the last OW 6 months later, refiled the divorce and moved out for 6 months while mooning over OW (it did end and H decided he didn't want a divorce --20K later!!!).

I don't quite know where my marriage is headed either, but I did go ahead and stay (even through I met some great guys out there and had a total blast as a future divorcee!).

I don't know why this time is different and why it does actually seem to be working after many years of being blamed by my husband and treated like garbage for so long (numerous false starts). Maybe because I did become totally independent and worked to find happiness outside my marriage (sooo much easier said than done!!!! I do have moments of falling back into a trying to please him pattern... but so far I'm staying pretty independent and focusing on me). Or maybe he finally has started to recognize and actually internalize the fact that happiness and being content is something one needs to create in oneselve. Others cannot be responsible for providing it.

I'm not saying your situation is like mine, but I can sort of understand where you are. I don't know if your husband can get to a place where he'll appreciate you and you in turn will appreciate him again. All I can suggest is letting him go and focusing on you. Just like Cat says you need to detach. It's something you'll need to do even if you divorce, so now might be a good time to start. Really start GALing too.

I don't think anyone can tell you what to do, you'll have to figure out what's best for you and your family.


There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.