Starting from scratch...

[whitelight]

It sounds to me like he has some needs that are not being filled and neither of you are communicating in way shtat will help this.

What is his love language?

It seems like he wants some attention. It seems like he wants you to notice him and also offer help etc. COnsider him and let him know you are considering him.

[twist_of_fate]

we did cross post! just read your other post.

Oh honey, i'm sorry he's regressed this bad, can you suggest at least some temporaty separation before doing anything legal?

I pray for you to have strengh and for him to clear his head. You deserve to be happy, search your heart to see what it is the best even if it isnt' the ideal you had visualized before)))))))))

[StrongEnough]

Hi WL- Thanks for your input. Right now, be both have needs that aren't being met. We know this, and it's been this way for a while. I try to meet his needs, as I know what they are, but again, it doesn't seem to matter.

TOF- Thanks for your input and support. I am taking one day at a time right now. That's about all I can do.

Journaling:

After my post the other day, I emailed him to tell him a few things. I told him that he was treating me and acting the same way he did when he was getting ready to leave us a few years back. I told him that we ALL went through hell with that and asked him to please not put us through that again be staying here with us if it's not what he wants. I also recommended that one of us move into the spare bedroom for now. I then went to work. He called me at work fuming because he got into an argument with his boss. He has yet to mention the email and is acting like nothing ever happened. I know for a fact he got it because we are sharing a computer. The email was marked as read.

This weekend was relatively quiet. H took yesterday out of work to finishing fixing his truck. Right now with work, he is covering 2 stores. The store he didn't call out from is the one he generally goes in early and leaves late for. (To the point he got in trouble for it) A female co-manager there called him ATLEAST three times yesterday (that I was aware of). He has only been there a couple months,......so I found it suspicious. Also, there is a message on a message board that says I miss you, will always love yet, etc. and the initials are something the HE Could use (but they aren't his initials). We both know about this board. The other odd thing is it mentions a hotel. H and OW used to meet up at hotels in the very beginning of their A. I'm not jumping to conclusions, but I am tucking this information into the back of my mind for later.

So, I am trying to just get things done around the house and get ready to go back to work tomorrow. TGhat's about all I can do.

Well, that's all for now. Hope everyone else is having a great weekend!

~SE

[StrongEnough]

Things here have YET to get one bit better. I would be lying if I said we were trying in earnest right now to repair this marriage. We struggled through so many years of our marriage trying to see "eye to eye" and meet each other's needs. We have been piecing for two years now. I do believe we are both tired on so many different levels.

As of late, we seem to be merely co-existing. We are co-parenting roommates.

I don't think I can do this anymore. I am at the end of my rope. I hate my life, I hate myself, I hate going days on end without being able to smile. More then anything, I want to change myself. I feel unable to do so while in this marriage. Somehow, H seems to make me feel like I am cornered and can't move or can't change. I can't do things to make me happy.

I am also tired of never bing right. No matter what I do, how I approach things, etc. it is never right even if it's exactly what he asked for.

Time to get back on my AD's and wait out the holiday season.

[cat03]

oh honey, I can see how draining this can be, but dont' loose hope in yourself. You are trying to make your sitch better, you aren't some drunken looser who doens't give a darn about anyone, you are a wonderful woman and mother, love yourself, smile for you and your children. Go back to the old detach tactic and find yourself again, he is pulling you down with his negative attitude and you deserve better than that.

[MotherMovingOn]

HI SE,

Just checking in on you. Sorry your H is being such a bone head.

Cat's right--detach. YOu were okay once before and you will be okay once again!

Thinking of you,
Althea

[runningoutoftime]

I can sort of understand where you're at. For about 5 years I went through a lot of the feelings you're describing.

I felt like nothing I ever did was good enough, when I'd make the changes my husband wanted he'd find other faults in me. I remember feeling like I was walking on eggshells and there being a lot of tension. And I remember trying to do everything I could to make things work. I felt pretty hopeless about my marriage

Although my husband did this even before the A, I think the outlook and constantly finding fault in me made it easier for him to start an affair. Maybe giving them him "license" to do so... He saw me as a cause for his unhappiness, he needed a change and many men can't leave unless there's someone to leave too.

My husband also had an affair before the last one, moved out and joined Yahoo personals once, filed for divorce and then stopped it while we supposedly were "working on the marriage," then met the last OW 6 months later, refiled the divorce and moved out for 6 months while mooning over OW (it did end and H decided he didn't want a divorce --20K later!!!).

I don't quite know where my marriage is headed either, but I did go ahead and stay (even through I met some great guys out there and had a total blast as a future divorcee!).

I don't know why this time is different and why it does actually seem to be working after many years of being blamed by my husband and treated like garbage for so long (numerous false starts). Maybe because I did become totally independent and worked to find happiness outside my marriage (sooo much easier said than done!!!! I do have moments of falling back into a trying to please him pattern... but so far I'm staying pretty independent and focusing on me). Or maybe he finally has started to recognize and actually internalize the fact that happiness and being content is something one needs to create in oneselve. Others cannot be responsible for providing it.

I'm not saying your situation is like mine, but I can sort of understand where you are. I don't know if your husband can get to a place where he'll appreciate you and you in turn will appreciate him again. All I can suggest is letting him go and focusing on you. Just like Cat says you need to detach. It's something you'll need to do even if you divorce, so now might be a good time to start. Really start GALing too.

I don't think anyone can tell you what to do, you'll have to figure out what's best for you and your family.

[StrongEnough]

Thanks so much for the support! I know this is something that only I can decide what to do about. I have made it through this once and I CAN make it through it again. The bigger question is: Can my kids?

I haven't been posting because honestly I am way too miserable and way too negative. Kind of defeats the purpose of this board. I do drop in and read though.

~SE

[MotherMovingOn]

Dear SE,

This is a support board--we're here for the good, the bad and the ugly. We are here to understand when no one else can. We are here to help you when you need it most. Please do keep reading and posting. Sometimes it is hard to ask for help when you are in that dark place. We ALL know what it's like to be there. It feels unsurmountable when you are in the pit, but as you said you CAN get through this and you will get out of the pit again.

A very, very sad thing happened to an amazing woman here in town. She was beloved by so many people and so, so tallented. She had hundreds of children who loved and depended on her and she had a teenage son as well. But she was unable to surmount the pain that her H's betrayal caused her. She was alone on Thanksgiving and the next day she took her own life. The community is grieving and I don't ever want to see something like this happen again. No one in our situation should be without a support network to lean on when we are low. So please, please do come here whenever you need to and let us give you the support and encouragement you need. You tell us what you think is best for you and we will try to help you achieve your goals--whether it is with your H or not.

I think we all need to be able to HEAR when a person is ready to move on without their H and support that--this is about YOU first and foremost and helping you heal your life in the best way possible. Whatever you decide, we're behind you.

Love,
Althea

[StrongEnough]

Althea-

Thanks so much for the post. The situation you speak of is incredibly sad. I too hope that something like that never happens again.

I don't post because I guess I just feel that so many people here are fighting tooth and nail for their marriages and here I have mine...and not too sure I want it.

I do read frequently, I just don't post. I am really not in a position to give feedback (positive) to anyone.

Here is what's new here. H's cell bill came in. He has been using almost 800 minutes a month. For someone who cannot use his phone at work......5+ hours of that are at night and on the weekends. He also received some text messages. I asked him about them (because we do not text each other). He said they were advertisments and he would show them to me. Low and behold....he deleted them. I was talking to my mom about my situation. She is a bit jaded due to the situation with her and my father. She is offering me many outs should I choose to take them. Places to stay, etc. The thing is....if I leave the M I lose everything. I will have to file bankruptcy and rent an apartment. Now, for me, no big deal. For my kids.....they have never NOT had their own home and yard. I really have to think about just how much I am willing to put them through. They are first and foremost, even before me, so that makes any decision difficult.

I guess my goal remains the same. Try to take each day as it comes and to get through the holidays.

How are things with you Althea? I was trying to look for your post for updates but couldn't find it!

Thanks again!

(((((MMO)))))

~SE