Starting from scratch...

[SvenTheRed]

Hey SE,

How you doin? Snowing up there yet?

Sven

[StrongEnough]

Hi Sven....

Thanks for checking in on me. Haven't been on the board for a bit. No snow up here yet. I suspect if the temps keep up as low as they have been at night, it won't be too long!!

Going to journal....CAUTION- long, whiney post ahead!

Things here are pretty much the same. Lots of disagreements, some fights. It's all getting pretty sickening. I feel him pulling further and further away from me. One thing I have noticed is that when we have friends over (they live on our street...come up to their camp on weekends) he really treats me like crap. The way he treats me and speaks to me is very disturbing. I guess it's just hitting a little too closely as to how he used to act towards me when OW was around. (before I knew about the A)

So, I am waivering in my thinking. One day, I am ready to throw in the towel and give up.....other days I tell myself I will try *one more time*. I know that with my mentality the way it is, it won't be too long before the one more time is the last time.

I hate to say it, but I think I am all DB'd out. I am too tired to even try to DB. Too confused and lost to even know where to start. This time, (2 years ago) I was so confident in myself. I was very happy with myself in who I was, where I was heading, what I wanted, etc. Now that all seems like a distant memory. I guess my fear is I will never get back to that. It seems that for some reason that I can't quite figure out, I loose myself, my identity, my happiness....everything that I liked about myself when I am with H. Could be his strong personality....could be his manipulation, could be my own insecurities......I just don't know.

So, all in all......I sense something just isn't right. Naturally, my thoughts go back to he is leaving the M again. He is treating my differently, he is acting like he just doesn't care, there is zero compassion coming from him. Even when we fight and we are making-up. He is cold-hearted and very factual about it. More like it's a business decision then a M.

Well, I guess you can tell that things haven't been good for almost a year now and I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel. And, if I did see that light, it would be the train heading full-force towards me!

[StrongEnough]

I was poking around here...trying to look for the information on signs of cheating. Believe it or not, having been through it doesn't really seem to help me spot the signs again. Also, I can't be sure I am not over-reacting here. Here are the signs:

Very moody
Very distant
Suddenly not interested in physcial touch anymore....barely kisses me once a day
Works WAY MORE then he is required to
Happy at work- Miserable at home
Blames me for everything wrong
Has zero patience for me or the kids
Turned into a slob

He has always been one to keep his hair neat, stay clean shaven, etc. So, appearance wise it's still the same...but I did notice he has lost weight.

Anyone have any thoughts?

~SE

[StrongEnough]

Wow.........did a search and came up with this:

He picks fights with you.- yes

He acts unappreciated. yes

He becomes critical and finds fault with you. yes

He becomes distant and uncommunicative. yes

He changes his image or style, such as losing weight or buying new clothing. yes- lost weight only

He tells you there is something wrong with you and says you need to seek professional help. tells me there is something wrong with me, but doesn't tell me I need help

He changes his behavior when it comes to money. a little bit....

He changes his sexual behavior, including patterns, positions and frequency. yes

He buys you unexpected gifts and does good deeds, such as chores around the house or helping more with the children. no

He has absences that he cannot explain. no, he works too many hours

There are hang-ups on your home phone. no, happened once

He leaves earlier for work and arrives home later.
YUP

I am not sure of the credibility of this list. I am also not sure if it is me overreacting as mentioned above. I know that if I ask him he will say "No" no matter what. He will say he is moody because I am making him miserable, he is tired because he is working so much, he has been sick and doesn't feel well.

I guess it's safe to say that I am in panic mode. No matter how doubtful I have been as to whether or not we would work out, I guess I wasn't truly prepared to possibly face infidelity again. If it's so...(IF) then I don't know if I have the strength to endure and pick myself up and take care of myself and my kids.

I could really use some advice/suggestions/ 2x4's right now. I guess it is time to re-buy the DB book and do some hard work on myself one more time.

[kml]

Sounds like depression to me.
Check out www.depressionfallout.com

Ellie

[StrongEnough]

Thanks Ellie. I checked that link out....but it doesn't sound a whole lot like him. He is depressed, I don't argue with that....but the derpression doesn't appear to be his driving factor.

He really doesn't have a self esteem issue. He thinks he is all that and then some. He believes that goes through life handling everything pretty much the "right" way. It's only ME that has the problem or causes the problem.

[kml]

You said:

"He thinks he is all that and then some. He believes that goes through life handling everything pretty much the "right" way. It's only ME that has the problem or causes the problem."

Did you read this on the depression fallout site?:

The many people interviewed for my first book who live with and love someone with a depressive illness had remarkably similar comments to make about their dilemma. Prime among them were three complaints:

* Nothing I do is right
* Nothing I do is enough
* Everything is always my fault.

Sooner or later, they accepted this as true despite all evidence to the contrary.

Sounds to me like he's in that phase of depression where he's convinced himself that everything would be fine except for YOU.

It's tough to deal with, I know. Letting it depress YOU does NOT help the sitch.

What could you be doing right now that would be a 180, that might pique his interest?

Ellie

[StrongEnough]

Wow....I had an epiphany this morning. I have been so stupid and naive.

H has been on me about everything. Asking me to change this, change that, etc. I no sooner start working on changing when BAM there is yet another problem. No matter what amount of change I make, he distances himself more and more. He is setting my up for unattainable changes.

We are both home this morning. H barely talks to me. When he does, he has an attitude towards me. He is supposed to go to our D's school today to make after school arrangements to accomodate our work schedules. He said yesterday he would do this today. When I asked him about when he was going (I have to work tonight) he gets mad that I didn't volunteer to go

So, he goes outside to do trash and whatnot. Next thing I know, he takes off. No goodbye..no nothing. I call him and ask him what is going on. Tells me I am being ridiculous and that it was a "known" thing that he was going. I call him on his distancing himself even more, asking for changes then not responding (or them not being good enough) and all the stuff. He acts outraged. Says it basically MY problem. Almost like I was bothering him bringing this up. I told him if he didn't want to be with me to just tell me. Naturally, he throws it back at me saying it must be what I want because I mention it a lot. He doesn't understand that his actions point towards that. I told him I was just waiting for him to grow some and tell me what it is he was thinking/feeling. He says he has but will repeat himself if need be. (Basically, I am at fault for everything) Tells me to draw up an agreement for seperation and let him know.

All I can figure is that I have been blind. He is acting exactly like he did last time he was having an A. Very thick-headed, very stubborn and doesn't really care about anything. Won't be the one to make a move but would rather drive me to make the move.

I knew that gut instinct pit in my stomach hasn't been there for nothing.

I really need some help and adivce here. I am at a loss.

[twist_of_fate]

it sounds like depression to me too. He has lots of unresolved issues and it seems he is trying to make you "guess" what's wrong w/him. I guess even if it were there is no way to help unless he agrees to see someone.

You say he is happy at work, so I'm guessing he likes his job and can't be it, I know the job sitch is what made my H flip his lid. Could he be under stress there that you don't know about?

Have you gone to a C lately? there is something up, he wants something from you but isn't telling you, I have to remember myself that they way us women feel love is very different as to how men want to feel loved.

My prayers your way hon, I'm sorry he is being so hard on you))))))))))

aka >^ . . ^<

[StrongEnough]

Thanks. I know depression is a big part of it, but the way he is acting is sooooo close to how he was when he was having his A. Between that and my above post from this morning (we cross-posted)....I just don't know what to do anymore.