Starting from scratch...

[StrongEnough]

Hi Sven....

Thanks for checking in on me. Haven't been on the board for a bit. No snow up here yet. I suspect if the temps keep up as low as they have been at night, it won't be too long!!

Going to journal....CAUTION- long, whiney post ahead!

Things here are pretty much the same. Lots of disagreements, some fights. It's all getting pretty sickening. I feel him pulling further and further away from me. One thing I have noticed is that when we have friends over (they live on our street...come up to their camp on weekends) he really treats me like crap. The way he treats me and speaks to me is very disturbing. I guess it's just hitting a little too closely as to how he used to act towards me when OW was around. (before I knew about the A)

So, I am waivering in my thinking. One day, I am ready to throw in the towel and give up.....other days I tell myself I will try *one more time*. I know that with my mentality the way it is, it won't be too long before the one more time is the last time.

I hate to say it, but I think I am all DB'd out. I am too tired to even try to DB. Too confused and lost to even know where to start. This time, (2 years ago) I was so confident in myself. I was very happy with myself in who I was, where I was heading, what I wanted, etc. Now that all seems like a distant memory. I guess my fear is I will never get back to that. It seems that for some reason that I can't quite figure out, I loose myself, my identity, my happiness....everything that I liked about myself when I am with H. Could be his strong personality....could be his manipulation, could be my own insecurities......I just don't know.

So, all in all......I sense something just isn't right. Naturally, my thoughts go back to he is leaving the M again. He is treating my differently, he is acting like he just doesn't care, there is zero compassion coming from him. Even when we fight and we are making-up. He is cold-hearted and very factual about it. More like it's a business decision then a M.

Well, I guess you can tell that things haven't been good for almost a year now and I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel. And, if I did see that light, it would be the train heading full-force towards me!