Starting from scratch...

[StrongEnough]

Hi all. Don't know if you remember me. I was posting here before. Things still aren't going well...and I think I have to start from scratch for my own sanity here.

My sitch:
Me: 31
H- 34
kids- 3 and 11
11/2003- H left, PA with OW, demanded D.
3/2004- I filed for D and we went through court proceedings.
12/2004- H decides he wants to come home. Says ILY, always did, etc. I break it off with my b/f whom I planned to marry. Struggle with that decision.
Current- Moved out of state looking for a fresh start. As warned, isn't helping.

So here we are, back again. Things have been touch and go. H and I aren't seeing eye to eye on much of anything. The only thing we seem to agree on is that we are both miserable and this isn't working the way it's currently going. A month or so ago, I told him I was done. I wanted a D. We just weren't meant to be together. H agreed to change if I agreed to give it one more try.

Now, I am not perfect. I have my moods. I am miserable. H is miserable and has his moods. The difference between the two of us is our temper when we have our "moods". H is infamous for breaking things. Most recently, he snapped our D's cell phone in half so she could no longer have it. I got ticked because I thought it was a bit extreme. (This is just an example of how things are)

So, H has this new thing that I need to apologize and accept blame for almost everything. Not a problem, when I am wrong. I find myself having to apologize for things that I am not wrong on. Good example, I had a series of unfortunate events happen within minutes of each other. I was aggravated. H asked me what was wrong, I told him the events that had happened. He flipped out saying that I just didn't want to be here with him, etc. Now, I was only telling him what was wrong. Didn't really think I was wrong for that. I had to apologize anyway to keep the peace. It really seems that anytime I have something bother me or aggravate me, H yells at me and tells me in a roundabout way that I am wrong.

He has said a lot of things over the last two months or so that leave me wondering. Some of them are:
*"If you afraid that I am going to cheat on you again, instead of wondering about it, why not try preventing it?"

This was after he ranted to me about how miserable he was, felt like he was a roommate, not wanted, needed, etc. All the things that he originally left me for.

*"If you think you are going to walk away and take the kids you are going to have a fight on your hands".

Per our D agreement, he gave me "full custody".

*"I would leave with just my clothes even though you know that if it wasn't for me, we wouldn't have anything that we have now".

Has to throw that in my face since he was able to transfer jobs and I wasn't.

When asked if he was only here to save face since he told his family he would never leave again or if he was here because he wanted to be with me he said:

*"I said I would never leave again and I won't. If I have to live this way the rest of my life then I will. You seem to take advantage of that statement."

I know these might not sound like much when typed out on a screen, but, they are also out of context with the rest of the conversation. Lately, I just feel out of touch with myself. I feel like I am not in control of my life. I can't have things upset me or have moods. I have to walk on egg shells and watch every last word I say. If I say the wrong thing then I have to kiss up for it. H isn't really willing to do the same although he is guilty of the same behaviors.

We have been at this for a whiel now. (Alomst 2 years) When does it get better? Does it ever? Can two people just not be meant to live together as husband and wife?

I just don't know anymore.

Thanks for listening if you have read through this far!