(Warning - I sometimes have a problem with being "brief"... maybe if I do a 180 and write shorther posts more people will respond )

First I feel obligated to defend the therapist. The therapist in question is the same one that's trying to help me save the marriage. It isn't him that's destroying it but rather W's perceptions of what he's doing. He's a LMFT who also does group therapy for SAD (I believe he once had it himself and wants to help others since there aren't a lot of doctors who know much about it). The problem is that one of the main problems for SAD sufferers is that they are afraid to assert themselves out of fear of what other people are thinking of them. One of the goals in the therapy is to teach them that it doesn't matter. The problem is that many times people take it too far. My W is one of those people (looking back she's always had a bit of a selfish side - passive aggressive possibly?). When she eventually gave in and told the therapist about what was happening he recommended that they break off their affair and that we begin counselling together. Needless to say, she wasn't too thrilled with that idea and from that point on, all of a sudden found flaws in his SAD therapy too.

With that out of the way, the tough love approach.... Basically, C has a point in that I have been constantly begging her to come back and that I would do anything to make her happy. Even though I've been impatient, I've also stated that I'd wait as long as necessary because I'd rather wait than lose her (Actually, I'm quite ashamed of a lot of the things I said and did after she got back since they were very un-DB even though I knew better.) The note I would write would be rather similar to the example in Love Must be Tough (p. 72-73). I wouldn't refer to OM too much because I'm not sure if he's out of the picture yet or not. I can't really tell her to leave like in the example letter since she's already gone, but I can say that I've tolerated her indecisiveness for a while now and I think it's time to move on, etc. I'm not sure exactly in which way to be tough though. I can't ask her to move out because she already did. I could push for legal separation but I'm really afraid of that backfiring. It would definitely be a huge 180 and would alter the dynamics of the relationship severely if I push for the D and she resists. But if it doesn't work, I can't go back or I lose all the credibility and respect that I'm trying to gain.

And I was already planning on doing something like that on my birthday, so I'm glad you agree with me on that Even if she doesn't see me on my b-day, I know at the very least she'll send me an e-card (she likes those things). Those things usually will email you and let you know when the recipient picked it up. It would make her wonder if I don't pick it up for a few days (she knows I log on every day). Nothing major, I know, but at least it's something. I think at this point, I want her to contact me on my birthday just so I can turn her down and see what happens. What I really wish was that I had a female friend I could start hanging out with a lot to make my W jealous. She definitely would get jealous of things back when we were happy. Unfortunately the only close female friend I have right now is one that W knows I have no romantic feelings towards whatsover (in fact she's one of the people that W wrote that email to that I copied above).