quote:
Originally posted by Michele:
IF she perceives you as controlling, don't do tough love. If she sees you as dependent and needing her, tough love might work.

She percieves me as both, so that just makes things more complicated...

I'm not so sure if I agree with her on the controlling part, but I definitely have been acting needy and dependant on her. Like I said, when she returned home I backslid horrendously. Most of the time I was fine, but when I fell I fell hard. So what I'm trying to do now is get her to think I've moved on and that she's losing me. I just have no idea how to do that when I haven't even spoken to her in close to a month. No matter which way I go there are things I need to do first (like clean the apartment and work on our debt) to make myself more appealing. But it's tough when the only clue I have at all as to how she's feeling is an email she wrote to a couple friends of ours. I copied it into another thread and I'll put it here too.

Hi Friend and other friend,

I feel kind of weird writing this, but I hope
you understand. I think UN really needs his
friends right now. See, I've gone through
a lot of changes in the past year, mostly
as a result of going to therapy. I've been
totally reassessing everything in my life,
including my relationship with UN. I know
this hurts him a lot, and I'm not sure he
totally understands where I'm coming from.
He wants me to go to marriage counseling,
but I don't feel I can do that. I feel
like I need to strike out on my own, and
I was starting to feel trapped in my marriage.
I lived with my parents for a while, but
then I came back out here to be "roommates"
with UN. That didn't work so well...he
was very impatient to get back together with
me, but I'm not sure when/if that would happen.
Things got really bad a couple weeks ago,
and now I'm living with my cousin. I really
hate to put UN through this, but I feel that
the relationship is unhealthy for both of us,
at least right now. I'm not sure if it could
ever be right again. We seem to bring out
the bad in each other, and have trouble
understanding where the other is coming from...
this is a little complicated psychologically,
so I won't go into the details here. Suffice
it to say that UN's clinginess and control
issues make it nearly impossible for me to
assert myself, which is something I'm really
struggling to do right now. He thinks if I
leave him, he'll be miserable forever, but
that just makes me want to stay out of guilt
and obligation. I don't think that's
fair.

Anyway, I really don't want you guys to take
sides or anything. If anything, I don't
mind you seeing me as the bad guy...I just
want UN to have the support of his friends.
I'm not sure what I'm going to do, and I'm
not sure how he's handling all this. He tends
to avoid reaching out to people, even when
he could use the emotional support. I think
he's afraid to admit that anything's wrong.
Of course I can understand that.

His birthday is coming up (Sept. 13), and
I'm not sure if I'll be comfortable seeing him.
I don't want him to be alone though. Maybe
you guys could reach out to him a little more
during this time? I would really appreciate
it. For so long I've put the needs of others
ahead of my own, and I'm trying to change that.
I want to figure out what *I* want out of life,
and that might involve leaving UN. I can't
stay with him just because I feel bad for him...
but at the same time, I *do* feel bad for him,
and I hope his friends can help him through this
difficult time. You might not want to tell
him I emailed you, because then he'd think you
were just hanging out with him out of pity
or something. I don't know. I'm so sorry
everything is such a mess...and so embarrassed
too. I'm just trying to get my head on straight
and get my life in order.

I hope you guys are doing okay...

Love,
W

I'm going to wait and see if she actually contacts me at all on my b-day. But it sure isn't easy.

Sorry if this went on too long. I'm sure I speak for everyone here when I thank you for spending so much time without anything from us in return (well, we bought your books, but I've bought lots of books and the authors don't take time out of their day for specific readers.)