W went to group therapy for Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD). Had a semi-physical affair with someone from the group. Wasn't sure if she wanted to work on the marriage. Eventually went to therapy, but her heart wasn't really into it, and she quit almost right away and moved in with OM (it remained only semi-physical... she claims they did nothing more than kiss. I'm pretty sure I believe her.). Stayed with him for a little bit and then moved in with her parents in Chicago (we were in California). Got homesick for CA and wanted to move back in with me "as friends." I tried to be a good friend, even comforted her when OM moved back in with his wife and she was upset (which took a LOT of strength). But I also started getting impatient and depressed because I wanted more. She was starting to feel trapped while she was trying to work on herself and her SAD and moved out again. This time she's staying with a cousin in CA. But she left without even telling me she was leaving (I was very worried about her until I found some stuff missing of hers when I came home from work one day). It's been three weeks and I've only very briefly heard from her in a short email letting me know where she was. I was planning on using the last resort technique from your book of basically not talking to her and seeing what happens. While talking to my marriage therapist today, though, he seemed to be suggesting more of the "Love Must be Tough" approach. (He didn't describe it as such, but it was basically the same thing.) What he was saying is that I've been putting everything in her court.... that she knows that I'd be devastated without her and that I'm basically waiting for her while she does whatever she wants and that I should show a bit of backbone and see what happens, hopefully making her respect me more. I can see the logic behind that and was even considering it myself for a bit. But I'm not sure if that's the right way to go. It would definitely be a big 180 if I did it the right way, but the problem is if it backfires, I can't go back on it or I lose all my credibility. I handled things poorly before and now I'm treading a very thin rope and any mistake could cost me a lot. I'm not sure which approach is the best way to go.
