On a scale of 1 to 10, about 7 months ago our marriage was at about 1 1/2. Today we're looking at about a 6 1/2. Not REAL satisfied right now, and would be happy at 8 1/2 or 9. (I AM pretty happy, and thankful, for the progress we've made so far, though.) One thing I feel would bring things up a 1/2 step (or more!) would be regaining the physical intimacy we once had in our relationship.
Some things that I / we could do…..
1. Arrange for the children to be gone from the house occasionally. 2. Create special, romantic evenings together. 3. Let go of our guilt and fears. 4. Get the om totally out of our lives. (I'm pretty sure W's done with him, but I don't think she made that really clear to him. She kinda left it hanging, hoping he'd go away, and he hasn't. Not quite sure what to do on this one, confront HIM, or just do nothing)
When it comes to initiating physical intimacy, I've been letting her take the lead. This has been getting mixed results, with numerous hot and cold periods. Many of the cold times seem to be due to times of contact with om. It seems like the hot times were the times when she convinced herself things were over with him. (Oops! Blame game?! I DO need to pay more attention to what's going on during these times. I'm sure it goes beyond just these things.) One of the things she talked about their R was the raw passion between them (it was, though, both good and bad). She did mention one time that we had that really sticks in her memory was when I came home from work one day, dragged her into the bedroom without saying a word, and ravished her. There were many other times when our physical intimacy was daring and exciting and "passionate". I have been hesitant about instigating this lately because of all the circumstances, but I may be wrong. It was "more of what worked" in the past, so it might be time to see if it works now. Maybe "act-as-if" things were back to normal?
When I first moved back home, things were in total chaos. I've been the "calm, stable, and rational" one while things have been getting settled down. As I'm looking back now, there has been times when my "losing it" has been quite effective. Or maybe it was more of a standing up and making my boundaries VERY clear. This doesn't always go over very well at the time, but usually produces results soon after. One good example of this is the last time I discovered she and om had renewed frequent contact, I left her a copy of an article from the marriage-builders web site about how affairs should end. I highlighted the parts I wanted to make sure she paid attention to, and didn't say a word or ask her about it. Within 2 days, she set up our first appointment to see a counselor together.
My W's dealing with a lot of low self-esteem issues, but is slowly working through them. She goes through periods when she seems to push me away, and questions why I want to be with her when she's so screwed up. I try to use the pursuer / distancer dynamics to my advantage during these times, even just for very brief periods, and it's been working pretty well. I try to be careful, though, as she is still unsure that I'm going to stick around, and it was during a period of my going very dark that she hooked up with om. He is a "bad boy", a user and a loser. Her ego was such that he had her convinced that he was the best she could get. She still struggles at times about being with the loser crowd, it's much easier to live "down" to their standards. I try to be careful about having very many expectations of her because of this.
She is the type of person who cheers for the underdog, and likes to help and to "own" other people's problems. She has the biggest heart of anyone I know, which makes it easy for others to take advantage of her. I've found that she wants me to be strong, but she has a tendency to not worry about how her actions affect me because of that strength. When I show some of my weaknesses, share some of my non-OR problems with her, it seems to draw her back towards me.
Overall, I've pretty much been letting the situation proceed at her pace. This has been working pretty well so far, however, I do get torn about whether are not I should be taking a stronger lead. Or if I should stick with the "butterfly effect", and keep nudging just a little to keep things rolling in the right direction. It does seem that anytime I push very much, I'm faced with an unmoveable object.
Thanks, Michele! Sorry this was so long, but you got me really thinking again!
[This message has been edited by Jamesjohn (edited 09-05-2001).]
JJ
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