Dear JamesJohn, Hello again! Before I can answer your question about whether you can speed up bringing back your intimate relationship, we need to review Step #6- Take Stock. You have come a long way and it's important to take an inventory of what's worked and what hasn't.
When you want to be intimate, what have you been doing and how has she been responding? When you answer these questions, be specific and action-oriented. As with everything else, you have to approach getting things back on track like a trial and error process. Sometimes loving patience works best. Other times, patience only prolongs the situation. You need to tell me more about what happens when you sit back and wait versus times you've approach things differently. Don't limit your thoughts strictly to the question of intimacy. Think more broadly about how you have approached her on other matters and her typical response. This will help you figure out what you need to do next. I worked with one couple where patience helped to piece the marriage together but intimacy was still a problem. It remained a problem until the man finally got impatient and frustated. His wife became more tuned into his needs.
But I'm not suggesting you flip a switch just yet. Think it through. Counseling might be a good suggestion, but only with a pro-marriage, solution-oriented therapist who understands the process of change and is committed to marriages.
Again, I still would need to know how you've been handling this situation thus far.
Great ideas about reading suggestions. I like that! I also like that you are applying the SBT techniques to other relationships. And by the way, becoming a better parenting team is not a second-rate way to improve a marriage. I often work with couples to improve their parenting teamwork with the hidden agenda of improving their marriage. It often works like a charm. Keep doing it!
You're doing great! *********** Brenda, You say you wrote your goals but nothing is happening. Why not share your goals here and let's take a look at them together. I wonder if they aren't too lofty at the moment given his MLC. Let us know what you've written for goals based on what you read. Okay? ****************************** DB713,
I'm delighted that the book is giving you hope. That's great. And from the sound of things, you should be hopeful. It appears that your husband is doing many in his shoes do after a while, they realize the grass isn't greener on the other side. Hooray.
Look, I can understand why you feel conflicted and I wouldn't suggest that you continue pursuing your ex for an extended period of time or if he were married. He's not. You're right. You have a small window of opportunity to see if you can reignite his interest. Be his friend, go out for lunch. Let him take the lead in everything that happens. IF he expresses interest in pursuing the relationship YOU MUST TAKE THINGS SLOWLY OR HE WILL GET COLD FEET. Be interested but not doting. Also, resist the temptation to comment negatively about the OW, even if he says something negative. You will get him to be defensive of her, which is really defensive of him and his actions. So, not matter how much you dislike her, don't stoop that low. Take the high road, just like you said. Pay close attention to what you are doing and saying that brings him closer (Step #4) and make a note of things that work.
Finally, remember that 10-15% of divorced couples remarry each other. It's not over yet. Michele
