I hope that is sarcasm. It would certainlty be understandable, I laid a lot on you. But, you might want to consider how much of it is true while trying not to be defensive.
If you weren't being sarcastic, please back off of yourself! You are a great mom and wife. You are certainly NOT stupid. Your behaviors tend to treat your H as a child, because, as you yourself noted, that is what you seem to have been taught. Not that it matters what I think, but if I thought such negative things about you, I wouldn't have bothered to write what I wrote. (BTW, I recognize such things because I treated XH much like a child too often myself.)
Now, to relax and step back a little bit. Let us go back to the money thing. It sounds to me as though you feel YOU are doing everything to keep food in the children's mouths. If you want to treat H as an equal in this, you need to partner with him on these matters. Discuss what sacrifices to make. Discuss whether it makes sense for him to take lunch. Discuss whether it makes sense to take money from his parents and how and on what terms.
"H, I made a mistake in taking that money without our talking about it together. I want to be a better partner to you. In the future, I want to be more respectful of your need for independence. I certainly understand it. I want to be independent to. So, what I will try my best to do is to partner with you to work through our money issues together."
I actually think your H is childish, and doesn't deserve YOU. Ar least right now. For, not only do you need to quit treating him like a child, he needs to quit acting like one.
For instance, I can only imagine how much you must resent his extracurriculars when you are on a tight budget. Responsible fathers do not disappear for extended periods of time. And, there is a big difference between your drink after work and H spending a day at a bar without telling anyone.
The trick is to address these issues from a nondefensive place in a conversation of equals. This is NOT easy. It makes you vulnerable to treat H as an adult and you have good reason to be afraid of being vulnerable with him.
