you ARENT fk'd up, you'd be if you'd only blame H without accepting your part and with no intentions of changing, and you are here, trying your damnest to be change behaviors that have gone unchecked for years, that AINT easy!
Yes, we've done wrong, we've repented and now we have a chance to make things right, we aren't running away, you and I and all here have chosen the hardest road, to forgive terrible hurts, to act as if, to be humble, that my dear mamabear, isnt' fkd up.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I hope that is sarcasm. It would certainlty be understandable, I laid a lot on you. But, you might want to consider how much of it is true while trying not to be defensive.
If you weren't being sarcastic, please back off of yourself! You are a great mom and wife. You are certainly NOT stupid. Your behaviors tend to treat your H as a child, because, as you yourself noted, that is what you seem to have been taught. Not that it matters what I think, but if I thought such negative things about you, I wouldn't have bothered to write what I wrote. (BTW, I recognize such things because I treated XH much like a child too often myself.)
Now, to relax and step back a little bit. Let us go back to the money thing. It sounds to me as though you feel YOU are doing everything to keep food in the children's mouths. If you want to treat H as an equal in this, you need to partner with him on these matters. Discuss what sacrifices to make. Discuss whether it makes sense for him to take lunch. Discuss whether it makes sense to take money from his parents and how and on what terms.
"H, I made a mistake in taking that money without our talking about it together. I want to be a better partner to you. In the future, I want to be more respectful of your need for independence. I certainly understand it. I want to be independent to. So, what I will try my best to do is to partner with you to work through our money issues together."
I actually think your H is childish, and doesn't deserve YOU. Ar least right now. For, not only do you need to quit treating him like a child, he needs to quit acting like one.
For instance, I can only imagine how much you must resent his extracurriculars when you are on a tight budget. Responsible fathers do not disappear for extended periods of time. And, there is a big difference between your drink after work and H spending a day at a bar without telling anyone.
The trick is to address these issues from a nondefensive place in a conversation of equals. This is NOT easy. It makes you vulnerable to treat H as an adult and you have good reason to be afraid of being vulnerable with him.
P.S. It is also probably worth noting that H is likely disposed to feel like he is being treated like a child because of the way his parents treat him -- he may well be oversensitized to it to some degreee.
For instance, I am oversensitive to not having my desires taken into account because of the way I grew up. My point is that even if you always treat him like an adult, he needs to work on himself too for him to feel like he is being treated like an adult.
OT, In truth I wasn't being sarcastic. I know I am controlling and I need to back off of them (our kids) a bit as well. When I was in couseling this is something we touched upon. She asked me what do I do if I ask my kids to make their bed and it doesn't look "right". Well, the old me goes in and fixes it. Now I know this is sending them a bad message, therefore I don't do it anymore.
Quote: For instance, I can only imagine how much you must resent his extracurriculars when you are on a tight budget. Responsible fathers do not disappear for extended periods of time. And, there is a big difference between your drink after work and H spending a day at a bar without telling anyone.
The above is EXACTLY how I feel. I harbor so much resentment. I am the one that handles the bills and get extremely frustrated when I explain that we have no money and then he goes out drinking or whatever all afternoon. I feel totally disrepected. I sacrifice to make ends meet yet he doesn't feel the need to. BTW, alot of the debt was incurred while in was in the midst of his A.
I think the best thing for me right now is to back off and keep my mouth shut.
My head is swimming. I meant that I would keep my mouth shut for the next couple of days so that I can digest everything you wrote and make sure that when I do speak I am direct.
Quote: Direct communication = direct reports about yourself and direct questions to him
And, you need to figure out your boundaries and communicate them. Right now, you are talking out both sides of your mouth -- on the one hand you tell him it is fine if he talks to OW, on the other hand I'm sure that you are also letting him know that there will be hell to pay if you "catch" him again.
You are afraid to set a boundary, as a result, you are sabotaging your M.
I will re-read that again and again, cause you are right; there will be hell to pay.
Gotta run to blockbuster with the kids. I know you must be busy so thanks for spending so much time with me today. I look forward to hearing from you again.
Quote: My head is swimming. I meant that I would keep my mouth shut for the next couple of days so that I can digest everything you wrote and make sure that when I do speak I am direct.
Thanks OT and you weren't even posting to me, lol.
Very good stuff as usual. You reminded me of a lot of things you have said to me awhile back about directness and communication. In fact, I even made it a point to put some of that into practice tonight to good results.
Mama, the point is that many times you and I (and most of the rest of us here) try to figure too much out instead of just opening up (hard to do when you feel so betrayed by the person you're opening up to) and being direct about how we feel and what we want.
It really is that simple and it removes all the games from the equation and VERY quickly lets us see where things stand.
The problem is that actually being direct leads to them possibly being direct and honest with us and that scares us more than a bit because we are sometimes so sure there is a horrible truth under the surface.
Well, it's better to know that today than 6 months from now.
Big talk from someone who tends to dodge the big issues but I am working on it and so are you.
Take it easy on yourself and realize that you are light-years ahead of where you were a few months ago.
Mama....read up on your stuff...I guess this is where the real tough work begins. No more limbo land.
Don't forget your patience, my dear. And the authentic communication. Betsey has posted on your thread, and she's my fave! She has a lot of good things to say about authentic communication and you seem to be doing really, really well with that.
With your consistent efforts at communication, kindly and authentically, he will get over his hang-ups and see that you are different and he is accountable.
This is a process....you are doing well....you are moving forward, and take a wider look to see that.
Hugs to you....hang in there, you're getting there. If you ever get fed up, I will threaten to swap H's with you and you can deal with the lunatic!!! AHHHH. No, I would not wish that on my worst enemy!
Hi Always, Thanks for posting to me. Since the posts from Betsey and OT I have really been making a conscience effort to speak to my H directly and as an equal partner. For example we are entertaining the thought of refinancing. The loan officer would like to meet with both of us but because of our conflicting work schedules it would be really difficult. I told my H that he is willing to meet with just one of us and asked him when would be a good time for him. He deferred it to me since I handle the finances. I said I would be happy to handle it if it was ok with him. I know that doesn't sound like much to some of you, but I would normally just take control and make decisions without ever asking his opinion.
H had this past Saturday off so we had a really nice day. Took the kids bowling and then out for a late lunch where I work. I have alot of friends there and they all made a point to come over and talk to H. (Now if he would just introduce me to his friends...)
Anyhow, I am really trying to let H know how much I appreciate him. I am definitely thinking before I speak, something I'm not always that good at.
