P.S. The laundry and lunch COULD be mothering, depending on how you do it. Do you make his lunch because he is not "allowed" to eat out? Do you do his laundry because he is can't do it "right"?
P.P.S. Sorry, this may hurt. You are being very dismissive of H's feelings with respect to the checks from his parents. The whole scenario you described turns my stomach (truly). It is emasculating for him with respect to your actions and his actions. Rather like someone giving you money for a gift for one of your children because the child can't handle the cash. And, to pour salt in the wound, when he communicates this to you, you dismiss it like he is a small child having a temper tantrum who doesn't understand the real world.
But, this is not the case. There is nothing childish or stupid about wanting to be independent from one's parents. There is nothing childish about wanting the respect of one's wife when it comes to family matters. It is very inappropriate for you to accept cash gifts from his parents to simply live on when it hasn't been agreed upon as a couple. I strongly suggest that you refuse any future checks. His parents can write the checks to him, and he can decide whether or not to accept them. Hopefully, the two of you would discuss it, but your priority should be supporting your husband and respecting his need for independence. So, unless you are going to be out on the street, I really think it is time to stop getting the money from his parents.
This is a good place to work with H on setting a boundary with his Ps. Perhaps -- Except for birthday/Xmas gifts, we will not accept money for basic support except in extreme emergencies which we will define and let his parents know about to see if they are in a position to help.
I actually think it would mean ALOT to H for you to suggest working together on the family boundary here and communicating it to his Ps. You also might want to consider sincerely apologizing for accepting the last check from his parents and ask him whether or not HE thinks that you as a couple should return/repay it.
Give up cable, get a dial up internet connection, buy all your clothes on eBay, whatever. Work in the evenings on www.clicknwork.com. But, quit helping his parents repeatedly castrate their son by being in cahoots with the demeaning practice in which they have been engaged.
