Alimari, my bomb was dropped almost 4 years ago and my D has been final a year and a half. Despite the end of my M, I always felt it was more than worthwhile to work on repairing my R with my XH--not from a standpoint of us getting back together, but showing myself and my daughters that I could heal what had hurt because I love them that much.
That being said... it has only been in the past 6 months that my XH has shared any inkling of his soul searching. He's pretty much echoed what OT has said. Knowing that they were the cause of a train wreck of epic proportion that maimed plenty of people in the process is not an easy thing to face.
I suspect if I had inflicted that much hurt and harm on people I loved I'd want it to magically disappear too. On top of that, my XH has shared that his most insurmountable obstacle in healing from this experience is his inability to forgive himself for what he's done.
It's not enough that I've forgiven him. It's not enough that our parents, siblings and friends have forgiven him. It's not enough that his daughter is actively working on forgiving him. It's all about how he feels about himself. And that is something he's just gonna have to do all by himself. I can encourage it and help, but I can't do that work for him.
Hell, I had a hard enough time forgiving myself for becoming someone who had been so unloving. So I encourage self healing first.
Hugs,
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Lol, I agree with you all the way too. Your earlier post to Mama was great! It is good to see you doing so well these days. I used to "know" you when I used a different username. I have my reasons for switching, so please don't try to guess who I am. Just know that there is an old friend beaming to see you so happy.
hey OT,, I am really sorrry if I came off as not having compassion I guess my response was a little to vague... I think WAS doo have pain and I believe with all my heart and soul that LBS should be able to ask for help in that area,,,,
My H will not discuss anything...
and actually I appreciate your response to my comment cause I knew he felt bad @ what he did. But you explained it to me so much better than I understood.
His wanting me to be SUPER HAPPY ALL the time and anytime I have a look of sadness on my face he asks me WHAT IS WRONG? and I do not want to bring up the hurt so I say NOTHING HONEY I AM FINE. I guess I did not know that he could be in as much pain over what he did as I am...
I gave my H unconditional love thru this whole Journey and even when I found out @ "OW" I wished him well and that God would bless him with happiness with her. I am a very compassionate and passionate person , I guess I need to not be so vague in future posts. I am sorry.
Thank you for clarifying... if I were to explain the amount of compassion I have for my husband it would take to long here, but I will say that often I prayed for God to bless my husband to help him to see that he was a beautiful person and for him to find the Happiness he was so desperately seeking... I never prayed for him to come back to me,, I just prayed for him.
Even thru my agony when I would speak to my H I would ask him how he was feeling and when he would reply "Not any better",, I would reply " I am so sorry you are not feeling any better I will continue to pray for God to bless you ".... I hope this clarifies what I meant..
Betsey,, I read your post and it made me cry,,, thanks for posting that I am going to put it in my thread so I can read it Daily for awhile...
I am blessed just to have you all open my eyes alot more to what my H may be feeling,, lately he has been very verbally abusive with me and I felt it all came from a place of arrogance,, I dunno how to explain in so many words but I will try to in my own thread as now I have really hijacked mama bears thread ( THANK YOU SWEETIE )and I was just commenting on the magically dissappear thought,, I wish her the best in getting her husband to support her and I should have kept it at that but for some reason me being vague has proven to be a blessing for me.
Thank you all once again for your posts, once again this board has helped me tremendously. God bless.... Ali
Hi All, thanks so much for the advice. You are right about one thing, that is for sure, I am afraid. Afraid of my own feelings.
I'll tell you what happened this morning. I think I handled it pretty well and after reading your posts I hope you will agree.
Got the latest cell phone bill. It breaks down every call, minutes, origination, destination, incoming/outgoing... So of course I look at it and surprise, surprise H is still talking to OW right up until this past Sunday. One thing in particular stood out, he called her Saturday morning at around 11:00 then as you know he doesn't come home or call. His next call is at 5:00 when he called me to apologize and say that he was coming home. Well as you know I got a little pissy with him. Right after we hang up he calls her and they talk for 6 more minutes.
My heart starts pounding because I figure he called her at 11 to meet him then after our fight he calls her to tell her what a bitch I am. Now here is the part that I don't understand, when he came home he just wanted to hold me and lay with me forever and kept telling me how good it felt and then we proceeded to ML. So now I am hurt because I think to myself, geez, here I thought things were getting better between us, especially since we have resumed a sexual relationship again only to find that OW is still in the picture.
I am working tonight and won't see him so I decided to call him.
H: Hey, what's up? M: I just got the cell phone bill. Can I ask why you are still talking to OW? H: I talk to alot of people from my work, we are all friends. Didn't you see lots of numbers on the bill? M: Well, this particular number always gets my attention. Were you with her on Saturday? H: No, I was with the guys at the bar. I told you. Man, you sound like my mother. Me: I'm not your mother, I'm your wife - remember? Your partner, the person you are supposed to share things with. H: I know, I'm not doing anything. We just talk alot because I help her with her problems but if it will make you happy I won't talk to her anymore. Me: I'm not stupid you know, you'll just go back to using your secret phone. If you would rather be with her I have no problem selling the house and filing bancrupty and we can be done or if she really wants to be a part of your life, maybe she can pay half the cell phone bill and pick the kids up from school and do your laundry. H: Don't start doing anything drastic. Nothing is going on. I won't talk to her anymore. I love you and the kids, I love my family and no, I'm not just staying married because of the kids I am staying married because of you. I love you. Me: Ok, I believe you and if you are truly just friends then I guess I don't mind if you talk to eachother but put yourself in my shoes. Would you like it if you found out that I was having secret conversations with another man? And by the way, do you really work all this overtime or is that your way to spend time with her? H: (a little mad) You see how much I make, now you don't even trust me when I'm working? Me: I'm sorry but I really thought that things were getting so much better between us the last few weeks and now I feel betrayed all over again. H: Things are much better with us. Nothing is going on, I promise. I love you.
He then kept me on the phone talking about other things for about another 20 minutes. He kept interjecting, "are you ok?, you are not crying are you?" I said I was fine. I thanked him for talking to me.
Now, I have chosen to believe him and will leave it at that. He knows I am not stupid. I am not going to bring it up again.
Did I do ok? I wasn't confrontational, I was actually very calm.
Quote: Ok, I believe you and if you are truly just friends then I guess I don't mind if you talk to eachother...
LIAR.
Yes, Liar.
Why would you lie to H about something this important? Why would you turn down his offer not to talk to her?
How about: "H, boy, I really blew it today when I said it was OK with me for you to talk to her. It is not OK. I really appreciate your caring offer today to not talk to her anymore. I think I will take you up on that. Right now my understanding is that you have promised not to talk to her. That really means alot to me. Just so we are clear, is that your understanding too?"
Or, how about: "H, I am so glad that you and OW are just friends. But, I really am not OK with you talking to her as your R with OW caused harm to our R. What I need is for you to either not talk to her (as you suggested earlier) or for her to be OUR friend. If she can't be a friend to us and our M, then she should have no place in either of our lives. That is a boundary I have with respect to anyone either of us knows."
In any case, stop lying to yourself and to H about this.
OT, This is what I love about you. You tell it like it is, no holds barred!
I will tell him a variation of both the things you said. Actually I would like to meet all of his friends from work. I only started my job two months ago but have already introduced him to all of my new friends.
I really appreciate you taking the time to post to me!
OT--I promise not to make any educated guesses here as to your previous identity. I saw your comment to Ellie months back and must admit that your mystery has me a little intrigued. Something tells me that your reinvention has resulted in a change in writing style here. I remember all the folks who zinged me on my head when I needed the most... So at any rate, whoever you are, I'm glad you're back and dispensing valuable insight to those who are just starting out in Piecing. I'm also glad to hear about Newtimer and your maternal joys. There's nothing like a new daughter to bring you happiness. So please know that I'm so happy that you have been someone who has been able to reconcile to her liking. That's awesome.
Alimari--This is a very (and I mean extremely) humbling road. Everything I held true about myself was exposed to be a big old lie. I'm not the same person I was when I started this journey. And believe me, I'm very grateful. Without my XH, none of this would be possible.
Oh, Mama, since OT held your balls to the wall, I won't have to call you a liar again. I'll let her post resonate with you for awhile.
What I will say is that you did exactly as I warned you not to do... you held his actions accountable for how awful you felt. Think about how your word choices (and I DO mean choices) led him to go on the defensive and start feeling uncomfortable about opening up to you?
The fact that he told you that you sound like his mother might be a big warning bell to you. He's telling you that you're controlling him and are not on equal ground with him. You=big meanie mommy. Him=poor, victimized little boy. Until you can set him a stage that treats him as your partner, you're going to continue to put him on the defensive when talking to you.
Mama, if I had to encapsulate everything I read in your post (from his POV) it would be that everything continues to be about you and about how you feel. Frankly, I'd like to see you do more loving discussions than blind accusations that you retract a few moments later.
If you want lasting change, Mama, you're going to have to pony up and do the job first. I mean it. You can't go back to the old ways of doing things--he's already learned that he doesn't want that. That's why he's arguing with you more. So what are YOU going to do to change?
Back to OT, who seems to have all of this under control.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Reconciled? Egad no, thank goodness. D and re-M, and incredibly happy and thankful for a much better M and H than I had ever considered possible, and which would have been impossible with XH, and probably impossible without the DB experience.
Betsey 
I'm also glad to hear about Newtimer and your maternal joys. There's nothing like a new daughter to bring you happiness. So please know that I'm so happy that you have been someone who has been able to reconcile to her liking. That's awesome.