What to expect

[Underdog]

Hi Mama,

Glad to see you're over here in piecing. I'm off to a meeting, but want to make a couple quick points for you to consider.

I said it upsets me that we argue all the time, we NEVER used to argue before the bomb.

Mama, can you try and see this as a positive thing? Not arguing means that someone isn't being emotionally honest. And if you were the one who had control and he was giving it away, it makes for a lethal combination. This is the stuff that broken marriages are made of. So can you try and shift your POV to embrace the fact that he's willing to argue with you?

Perhaps the arguing is necessary from his stand point because he's finally feeling like enough is enough and he's not going to allow you to control him anymore. Perhaps he feels strongly about his needs enough to fight for them. And perhaps your reaction is something you need to feel in order to be more compassionate toward him?

You're assigning emotion to him because YOU are uncomfortable with the new dynamic. Stop it. You need to deal with this as much as he does. So play fair.

At one point he said you can't make things better by reading books and manuals (I beg to differ but I didn't say anything). He also thinks I talk about him to my family and he feels uncomfortable around them - Again, that is his problem to deal with.

While I wholeheartedly agree that your reading material is none of his business, I also see another message for you to grasp. He's kinda sorta telling you that your way of negotiating is making him uncomfortable. If his perception is that you're looking elsewhere to resolve issues in the marriage, could you see that it might make him feel as though he has no influence with you?

Perhaps you could read while not around him, and cease talking to relatives about your sitch. I think if I were in your shoes, I'd present an issue that needs to be addressed and just ask him point blank, "This is what I think I need to fix this problem. Are you willing to help me see if this is the case?"

Then sit back and button that lip and see what he can do that might help you change your perception.

Now, exiting dramaland might be a good idea too, so carry on!

Hugs,

Betsey