Ok, here is another issue I am dealing with - need some advice.
H hasn't spoken or seen his parents/family since last October. I have to constantly make up excuses as to why we cannot attend this function or that. I will occassionally talk to them via phone or email or get together with them with the kids. My H gets all bent out of shape but his parents feel so hurt and just want to see us.
Once in a while my FIL will send us money to help us out and he always makes the check out to me. Well, we got one yesterday and this set my H off. "Why don't you go cash YOUR check" he says. I say it's not mine, it's for us. He doesn't understand why it's not made out to him and wants to rip it up even though we need it.
I had to work last night and he barely spoke to me before I left and when he did it was with an angry tone. This morning we talk on the phone a bit and I tell him that I am hurt that he is taking this out on me. He says it makes him feel like they are taking care of me, like he can't do it. I tell him that he never talks to me about his feelings anymore and he says yes he does (huh?). I say I don't even know why you have a problem with your family and he can't tell me. Then gets mad at me and tells me how can I talk to you when I'm working!!
He has so much anger, I feel like I am always walking on eggshells trying to please him. When the reality is I could have thrown him out when I found out about the OW a long time ago. I choose to get over it and try to improve our R and M.
I read in someone else's thread that even though their spouse lives with them they are "close but emotionally distant", that is how I feel most of the time. There are days that he looks at me like he hates me, is he just projecting his feelings onto me?
Yes, he's projecting onto you. You know that. Don't you DARE give up now mama. You and I both lied when we said that if we ML'ed, it would be a HUGE step. We both did and now we are both still fretting about everything. I admit that you maybe have more issues in terms of the emotional distance than I do with my W but still, you have come SO far (and often, lol, sorry all) that you can't stop now. You want perfection. You want the affair to have been the only issue and now that it's gone for the most part, you want things to be wonderful and are angry that they're not.
Stop making him responsible for keeping you happy. You learned not to do that along the way and now you seem to be relying on him again. If he is being distant, then take that distance and run with it. Do something you like to do and when he's ready, hopefully he'll open up to you.
DO NOT GO WAS on us! Stay strong and do this thing!
I know, I know. It's just so frustrating!! I talked to my brother who is pretty smart. He just said, Mama you are a strong person. H has issues, let him deal with his problems, you don't have to take them on. Go about your business as usual.
So, you are saying that even for those of us who are sex-starved and battery-operated, that ML doesn't fix everything? Can I just pretend you didn't say that so I have something to look forward to? LOL
Anyway Mama, 'nuff said. H has issues, and you have issues. We all have issues. You work on H's issues instead of your issues, and that's co-dependency. So have a heydey working on your own issues, which as far as I can tell from my own little world, are enough for a life time anyway...
Love to you Mama. And DARN, can I at least make absolutely sure for myself that ML won't be the really huge answer to all my prayers and solve everything? You piecing people really have it good, you know?
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
Well, ML seems to mean that we are back together but...since I believe H went thru a mini MLC he still needs to work on the issues that sent him to the arms of OW in the first place. IMHO
I tried talking to him briefly before I went to work last night. I said it upsets me that we argue all the time, we NEVER used to argue before the bomb. He gets all defensive and says we don't always argue. I said he seems like he is always mad and looks at me like he hates me. He said that wasn't true. We had a few words about his parents and he can't really come out and say it but I gather it makes him feel like a loser when they send $. Whatever, that is something he needs to deal with.
At one point he said you can't make things better by reading books and manuals (I beg to differ but I didn't say anything). He also thinks I talk about him to my family and he feels uncomfortable around them - Again, that is his problem to deal with. He made his bed now he has to lie in it.
Anyway, I picked up some more shifts and he has lined up some extra overtime - this way we won't be around eachother that much for a while and that's a good thing cause I need to get out of this drama for a while.
Glad to see you're over here in piecing. I'm off to a meeting, but want to make a couple quick points for you to consider.
Quote: I said it upsets me that we argue all the time, we NEVER used to argue before the bomb.
Mama, can you try and see this as a positive thing? Not arguing means that someone isn't being emotionally honest. And if you were the one who had control and he was giving it away, it makes for a lethal combination. This is the stuff that broken marriages are made of. So can you try and shift your POV to embrace the fact that he's willing to argue with you?
Perhaps the arguing is necessary from his stand point because he's finally feeling like enough is enough and he's not going to allow you to control him anymore. Perhaps he feels strongly about his needs enough to fight for them. And perhaps your reaction is something you need to feel in order to be more compassionate toward him?
You're assigning emotion to him because YOU are uncomfortable with the new dynamic. Stop it. You need to deal with this as much as he does. So play fair.
Quote: At one point he said you can't make things better by reading books and manuals (I beg to differ but I didn't say anything). He also thinks I talk about him to my family and he feels uncomfortable around them - Again, that is his problem to deal with.
While I wholeheartedly agree that your reading material is none of his business, I also see another message for you to grasp. He's kinda sorta telling you that your way of negotiating is making him uncomfortable. If his perception is that you're looking elsewhere to resolve issues in the marriage, could you see that it might make him feel as though he has no influence with you?
Perhaps you could read while not around him, and cease talking to relatives about your sitch. I think if I were in your shoes, I'd present an issue that needs to be addressed and just ask him point blank, "This is what I think I need to fix this problem. Are you willing to help me see if this is the case?"
Then sit back and button that lip and see what he can do that might help you change your perception.
Now, exiting dramaland might be a good idea too, so carry on!
Hugs,
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Underdog, I'm so glad your back around. I missed your wonderful advice. Thank you!
I agree that not arguing is not healthy. Now that we are I am uncomfortable with it so I guess that is my issue to deal with i.e. my controlling personality.
Again, he thinks things are fine and getting better. Why am I challenging him? I need to think about that one. Actually I guess it is my need to control rearing it's ugly head again.
He just called me a few minutes ago and we talked for about 15 minutes and he sounded wonderful and loving and thanked me for making his lunch even though I got home from work after midnight.
I wrote this on Confused Mess's thread, which BTW if you have time please help this man before he blows everything, my couselor told me to repeat to myself 20 times a day until it sunk in "If I try to fix it, I will only make it worse." I really need to start chanting that mantra again.
Betsey