Hi MamaBear, I am so sorry you are having a tough day. Oh, uggghhh why does it have to be like this, where he is lying to you? That is a tough one for me, it is the one thing I can't tolerate. My H and I are S because he lied to me. My H may still think it is because he had an A, but it is not, it is because he lied. And every time he has told the truth, I have acknowledged him and told him that is the most important thing. So H is now telling the truth (with very little detail, however, as he still has a lot of shame), but at least every time he goes to see the OW he tells me before he goes. It does not make it easy, I can tell you that, but some how I still see this as a good sign. So MamaBear, it seems like you need to set some boundaries, what you will and won't put up with, make it clear, and stick with the logical consequences if the boundaries are violated. I get the sense that you will get fed up and explode, if you don't set some limits now. Just try to be logical, and not to have this conversation when you are emotional. Unfortunately, I have seen you get fed up a few times (in reaction to H's bad behavior - being late, etc.) and then the rest of the time you have been DBing but also maybe just not wanted to stir the pot? I am not sure where that balance point is between DBing (with no R talk) and setting some healthy boundaries for you. But it is somewhere in the place between looking the other way/sweeping things under the rug and exploding with anger. In the middle, with some rational preparation, there willl be a peaceful strong place. It is that that I am wanting for you MamaBear. Standing your ground with confidence and a peaceful heart. I will be around and checking on you. Sending you love and hugs tonight.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
Hi PL, Thanks for checking up on me. H called around 5 and yes I was pissed. I said why can't you just call me and tell me that you are going out? He started to get defensive and even said so, so I backed off a bit. I told him you don't have to ask my permission, you can do what you want, all I would like is for you to check in with me and let me know. He said he was sorry, he went to the bar and started drinking and lost track of time. I apologized for going off on him and told him I was feeling a little insecure today (without any details why), he said I didn't need to be insecure that he loved me very much.
When he came home I was in our room with the kids folding laundry. He layed down on the bed and asked me to lay with him. He hugged me really tight with both arms and legs and we were like that for about an hour. He said this is where he wants to be, it feels so good.
After we got the kids out of the room we ML and proceeded to have a good rest of the night.
PL, you are right about me. I am either super calm and let things slide or I blow up in anger. I will work on staying somewhere in the middle.
My boundary is, is you are not going to be home when you said you were to call me and check in. That's all and I told him as much. He commented that he never knows when I am coming home after work because I usually stay and have an after shift drink so I guess it is only fair that he be allowed to do the same.
I am so glad to read you had a wonderful nite,, I think our(LBS) insecurities will show from time to time..... we need to remember we are still fragile and allow ourselves to feel uncomfortable but at the same time not jump to conclusions.. how nice that he reassured you.... God bless...
Hi MamaBear, This is great progress for both of you, I think You said you were upset, he told you that it made him defensive, you softened but told him you were feeling a bit insecure, he came home, told you he loved you, reassured you, cuddled you and ML with you and then you also had a conversation about the part each of you play in behaviors that don't work for your partnership (and being able to count on each other) and how you might like it to be different. Wowie, so many goodies here. And on top of that, just for you, you had some insights about behaviors you might want to work on. Mama, you are the tops. You see, you belong in piecing! You are piecing yourself and your M together, for a new and higher standard of what it means to be whole. I am proud of you, Mama! And I am really glad you guys are That is so good, I will enjoy it through you until one day maybe I will get some with my H. Enjoy Mama! Life is rich.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
I think it's the fact that for a while my H was on his own he doesn't he has to tell me everything, gets a bit testy when I ask what was he doing xzy time of the day "I dont have to report everything to you" sort of thing. He's also not used to have the kids -doing what kids do- around.
I guess easy does it, I think Ow's motto of "you don't owe me" stuck a bit on him, I hope in time he eases up and doesnt get too defensive.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Cat, My H never moved out but really, he doesn't have to report every little thing to me. I am his partner not his mother. I do think a phone call to let me know his plans have changed would have only been common courtesy. He thinks if he calls me then I will give him $hit, so he doesn't call. He thought he would stop for 1 or 2 beers and it wouldn't be an issue. Well he was having a good time and lost track of time. Once he realized how late it was he was like, well, I'm already in the dog house. He did call on his way home to apologize though. I should have accepted it and left it at that but NO, not me. I went off and made him feel even worse than he already did.
This is my anger issue that I need to get a grip on and control better.
Anyhow, things ended well. We ML for the third time in as many weeks. This for me is huge!! Before the bomb I was so wrapped up in my kids and the home day care that I was running that we probably ML 3 times in the whole year. Which obviously led to him hooking up with OW
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
and proceeded to have a good rest of the night.
You said you were upset, he told you that it made him defensive, you softened but told him you were feeling a bit insecure, he came home, told you he loved you, reassured you, cuddled you and ML with you 
