I’m relatively new here. I've been reading a lot and find this site fascinating. I will say, that I had no idea that there were so many HDWs out there. I knew that there were some, but not this many.
Let me give you guy/gals some background.
I’m a HDM. My wife is a LD NDF. We have 2 kids, been married 10 years. We are both professionals in our late 30’s.
Sex has been an issue for most of the marriage. It is much worse after our second child, now 3. My wife is compliant to my needs, but has little desire herself. She says that she has never had an O through IC. I know she hasn’t ever with me. I will either give her OS (almost every time) or my hand to get her there, sex without reciprocity just doesn’t feel right to me. I’ve never had complaint that I was an inadequate lover and will do/try most anything. I’ve ask my wife many times if she would wish to try something new, toys, movies, dress-up . . . she just says she likes it as it is
For me, it is the whole need to feel desired thing. I used to have it in other relationships. I’ve dated women that couldn’t keep there hands off me. Why I ended up married to one that seems to think of sex as a chore is one of those little mysteries that keeps me up at night. My wife is definitely the “lay back and think of England” type.
Like most marriages, ours has had its issues. My wife works many hours and was often absent from the home. After the first child came, she went back to work as soon as she could and worked even more hours than before. Don’t most new mothers want to spend all the time they can with their newborns? Our sex life was terrible and I became very resentful. I got very tired of initiating it every time. I stopped and the sex stopped . . . I think for about 6 months or so. My wife didn’t seem to really miss it. Hmmm. It sure didn’t do much for my self esteem.
When our first was about a year old a co-worker started to shower tons of affection on me and . . . it felt . . . amazing. Why would this woman do this when my wife just seem to not care a bit? You can guess where this lead, I had an A. I can’t describe to you how it felt to have someone actively pursue me, to want to be with me that way, to actively want take my clothes off and all that stuff.
Eventually, I told my wife and our lives blew apart. I stopped it with the OW. This was about 5 years ago and I often wonder if I made the wrong choice. It was one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make.
Anyway, after some initial hyper-bonding immediately after the A was over, things are pretty much back the same way as they were before. I initiate, she begrudgingly capitulates, and sex happens a couple times a month or so.
I’ve made the decision to stay in this marriage and to watch my kids grow. I think I’ve reached the point that I just have to admit that this is the way my life is going to be . . . I’m going to be in a SSM.
I’ve made an appointment with my doctor and am going to ask him to put me on one of the anti-d’s that has very substantial sexual side effects. I just can’t stand feeling this rejection anymore. I’ve never been lonelier in my life than as I feel in this marriage. If I divorced I know that I would feel lonely, but to lay down nightly with a woman that has no sexual desire for you . . .
Quote: I’ve made an appointment with my doctor and am going to ask him to put me on one of the anti-d’s that has very substantial sexual side effects.
When I took an SSRI a few years ago, I found that it did not affect my libido, just my ability to reach an O. A girlfriend of mine confirmed this-- you just keep climbing and climbing and never Get There.
Your sitch sounds really hard... I'm sorry. You'll get some good advice from the gang here.
Quote: When I took an SSRI a few years ago, I found that it did not affect my libido, just my ability to reach an O.
I found the same thing, sort of. I was going through a rough time last fall, and doc put me on zoloft. at first it slowed me down a bit...not a bad thing from this side of the fence ...but that didn't last, and sort of morphed into not being able to function at all. It can take a few weeks for the full effect of these drugs to kick in. Anyway, it did dampen my libido quite a bit. And I had exactly the same thoughts as ComfortablyNumb before this!! If I can't bring hers up, maybe I can knock mine down!! LOL! makes sense, but didn't work out too well. Its not that I didn't ever want it; its just that the weeks that normally seperate our encounters didn't seem so long. I just didn't think about it as much. Problem was, I didnt' care about much of anything else, either. And I always thought I was a "yeah, whatever" type of person before. HA! that was Nuthin' compared to "zoloft-me". I couldn't get anything done at work...couldn't get anything done at home...just didn't care about anything at all. "Comfortably Numb" is the perfect description of that state. One day, it just dawned on me what was going on, and got off the stuff, and slowly emerged from the fog. yes, there are different drugs, and different doses...people spend months and months trying to "fine tune" it; I didn't want to go through months and months of feeling like that. After doing alot of reading on the subject, I decided that this is just not "the way". at least, not for me. It actually seemed to amplify more depresive symptoms than it alleviated.
Anyhow, CM: BT/DT...know how you feel. The same themes run rampid throughout. Lots of key words in your post ring a bell loudly: Chore... Desire... Resentment... Initiate... Self Esteem... Persue... I hope you find some help here.
Thanks so much for your responses. I really don't have anyone to talk to about this stuff. My wife and I did some MC after my affair, and it helped us talk a bit about some of our issues. We didn’t go for that long because my wife had a very difficult time getting away from work (or it wasn’t important enough for her to make the time). Once I decided that I wasn’t going to leave the marriage, within a few weeks, she became to busy to go to counseling.
I know that all anti-depressants don’t affect libido, and most probably won’t kill it totally, but it would be such a relief to just be able to share the marital bed with my wife without this constant tension. Well, I have the tension and my wife seems to be able to sleep peaceably.
Frankly, I just don’t know what to do. I’ve tried the Marriage Builders stuff for a few years . . . stopping lovebusters, meeting needs, and all that. I’m sorry to say that, while it seemed to make my wife feel happy and appreciated, it didn’t help with the sexual desire part.
You know I could see if I let myself go, or if I was abusive or something, but I’m not. I workout, run a marathon a year, have the same waist size as I did in college, still have my hair and it isn’t grey yet. I have decent hygiene and dress nicely I think.
This is just so maddening. For the last few nights I’ve been avoiding her in the evenings and sleeping in the spare room. While this isn’t a solution to the problem it sure feels a lot better than sharing a bed with her.
She knows I’m not happy. This is making her unhappy. I’ve hurt her enough with the A and don’t wish to add to the damage. I just don't know how to make things better.
Quote: Problem was, I didnt' care about much of anything else, either.
That's exactly the effect it had on me, too. On Zoloft I felt like a blank sheet of paper. I switched to Paxil and felt a little more "present," but I remember saying to my therapist at the time, "I can't imagine falling in love while on this drug, because I can't seem to muster up any strong feelings about anything."
If you do decide to get on one of the SSRI's be forewarned that getting off of them can be very tricky. Whichever one you start taking, google on the name of it and the word withdrawal and note the stopping process. Paxil is notoriously hard to discontinue. Some people take months to taper off, literally shaving bits off the pills to gradually decrease the dosage. It isn't a question of take a pill every day, then a pill every other day for a week, then off. Coming off of paxil I had some of the worst anxiety attacks of my life. Of course, all that anxiety may take your mind off no sex... (sorry... bad joke-- just think this through carefully).
because the effect of the drugs is reversible. same idea, though. seriously, ...seems logical, albeit a bit desperate. problem isn't "too high/too low"...its the "difference". while there isn't any way for medical science (or anyone else, it seems) to increase a libido, they certainly can knock one down. It seems logical that as long as they're the same, or close to it, peace and harmony would ensue. unfortunately, the effects weren't selective enough, in my case.
Oh, and Lil', they tried to put me on Paxil...I refused, for exactly the reasons you described. Got enough problems as it is, thankyou.
Could have written your post word for word minus the marital counselling. We did separate for a short time. I've thought about a hysterectomy so I'd lose my libido.
Wish I could offer you some uplifting words, but can't muster them up. Feeling down about my situation today too.
Quote: She says that she has never had an O through IC. I know she hasn’t ever with me. I will either give her OS (almost every time) or my hand to get her there, sex without reciprocity just doesn’t feel right to me.
I read stats that say only 20% - 25% of women are able to climax via intercourse alone. Has her inability to do that been an issue for you?
Quote: Don’t most new mothers want to spend all the time they can with their newborns?
Some women don't have a very strong maternal instinct.
Some women refuse to make themselves financially/professionally vulnerable by becoming a stay-at-home mom.
Quote: I’ve made an appointment with my doctor and am going to ask him to put me on one of the anti-d’s that has very substantial sexual side effects. I just can’t stand feeling this rejection anymore. I’ve never been lonelier in my life than as I feel in this marriage. If I divorced I know that I would feel lonely, but to lay down nightly with a woman that has no sexual desire for you . . .
This seems to be an extreme measure. What sort of discussions/arguments have you and your wife had regarding sex?
I still have the exact same issues in this marriage as I did a these months ago.
I just don't know what to do. I feel terrible in this relationship. I'm sitting here watching my daughter eat pizza, she is three and still likes to smear the pizza all over her face, rub it in her hair, it is a riot. I look at her and my son and know that I need to fix me so that I can stay here and be an active father.
My wife is . . .? Aerobics? Jazzercize? Running? Working out? Having sex with an office mate? who knows. She isn't here yet and I quit trying to get her to call and let me know what she has planned.
For those that live in a sex-starved marriage I have a question . . . where do you sleep? It is just too hard for me to lay there next to her and not touch her. She will have sex if I do the initiating but I'm just damn tired of bringing water to the desert.
I write more later . . . my daughter is helping my type at the moment and the keyboard is getting nasty.
...but that didn't last, and sort of morphed into not being able to function at all. 
It can take a few weeks for the full effect of these drugs to kick in. Anyway, it did dampen my libido quite a bit. And I had exactly the same thoughts as ComfortablyNumb before this!! If I can't bring hers up, maybe I can knock mine down!! LOL! makes sense, but didn't work out too well. Its not that I didn't ever want it; its just that the weeks that normally seperate our encounters didn't seem so long. I just didn't think about it as much. Problem was, I didnt' care about much of anything else, either. And I always thought I was a "yeah, whatever" type of person before. HA! that was Nuthin' compared to "zoloft-me". I couldn't get anything done at work...couldn't get anything done at home...just didn't care about anything at all. "Comfortably Numb" is the perfect description of that state. One day, it just dawned on me what was going on, and got off the stuff, and slowly emerged from the fog. yes, there are different drugs, and different doses...people spend months and months trying to "fine tune" it; I didn't want to go through months and months of feeling like that. After doing alot of reading on the subject, I decided that this is just not "the way". at least, not for me. It actually seemed to amplify more depresive symptoms than it alleviated. 
(sorry... bad joke-- just think this through carefully). 
