I’m relatively new here. I've been reading a lot and find this site fascinating. I will say, that I had no idea that there were so many HDWs out there. I knew that there were some, but not this many.
Let me give you guy/gals some background.
I’m a HDM. My wife is a LD NDF. We have 2 kids, been married 10 years. We are both professionals in our late 30’s.
Sex has been an issue for most of the marriage. It is much worse after our second child, now 3. My wife is compliant to my needs, but has little desire herself. She says that she has never had an O through IC. I know she hasn’t ever with me. I will either give her OS (almost every time) or my hand to get her there, sex without reciprocity just doesn’t feel right to me. I’ve never had complaint that I was an inadequate lover and will do/try most anything. I’ve ask my wife many times if she would wish to try something new, toys, movies, dress-up . . . she just says she likes it as it is
For me, it is the whole need to feel desired thing. I used to have it in other relationships. I’ve dated women that couldn’t keep there hands off me. Why I ended up married to one that seems to think of sex as a chore is one of those little mysteries that keeps me up at night. My wife is definitely the “lay back and think of England” type.
Like most marriages, ours has had its issues. My wife works many hours and was often absent from the home. After the first child came, she went back to work as soon as she could and worked even more hours than before. Don’t most new mothers want to spend all the time they can with their newborns? Our sex life was terrible and I became very resentful. I got very tired of initiating it every time. I stopped and the sex stopped . . . I think for about 6 months or so. My wife didn’t seem to really miss it. Hmmm. It sure didn’t do much for my self esteem.
When our first was about a year old a co-worker started to shower tons of affection on me and . . . it felt . . . amazing. Why would this woman do this when my wife just seem to not care a bit? You can guess where this lead, I had an A. I can’t describe to you how it felt to have someone actively pursue me, to want to be with me that way, to actively want take my clothes off and all that stuff.
Eventually, I told my wife and our lives blew apart. I stopped it with the OW. This was about 5 years ago and I often wonder if I made the wrong choice. It was one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make.
Anyway, after some initial hyper-bonding immediately after the A was over, things are pretty much back the same way as they were before. I initiate, she begrudgingly capitulates, and sex happens a couple times a month or so.
I’ve made the decision to stay in this marriage and to watch my kids grow. I think I’ve reached the point that I just have to admit that this is the way my life is going to be . . . I’m going to be in a SSM.
I’ve made an appointment with my doctor and am going to ask him to put me on one of the anti-d’s that has very substantial sexual side effects. I just can’t stand feeling this rejection anymore. I’ve never been lonelier in my life than as I feel in this marriage. If I divorced I know that I would feel lonely, but to lay down nightly with a woman that has no sexual desire for you . . .
