We are sort of a mixture here so I am not sure how much overlap applies. I am HD and now am at the “forget it” point making me essentially LD. For your sitch I am just surmising; beware being burdened with free advice.
My W and I both feel controlled, my wife has most of the responsibilities in our life. Briefly we own a pretty big small business. She is the bean counter and I am the entrepreneur (and CEO). House: I am essentially one of the kids at many levels and she takes care of the house books etc. That is the polarized view anyway.
I agree essentially with your read on you vs. porn for his O since he has been MB w Porn for a long time. So we must presume he has good thrust, we need to work on vector. All this probably could come down to needing to be convinced you find him attractive (concurring then with approach/avoidance cycle). In which case my thinking is lift him emotionally, and build sexual intimacy and embolden the non sexual intimacy for him to let go of the porn.
“broken only by extreme, aggressive sexuality”. What I needed was to feel W wanted to ML with me to meet her own sexual needs, not mine. This makes me feel needed and important to her life as a sexual being. I need to know she is willing to push until she gets it because she believes sexuality between us is important. Given he is timid I would not pull out the Victoria’s Secret collection. Consider GEL’s points which I get though not me. I would start from you comfort position:: snuggling but be persistent, rub his penis, if you think the “Madonna complex” a possibility stay in bounds but never give up. Just keep going and then see if he will come to you in a previously OK position- Inside the boundaries of your relationship say through action “I want you”.
I think though before you set your rudder you need to know what kind of porn we are talking about and the frequency would be good to understand too. I have no idea how to deal with a homosexual issue. If you have thought it possible then it might be good to know if he is looking at male bisexual or homosexual stuff. If you are on top and sitting up he can be pretty detached emotionally from you (ask your self if his eyes are shut). IMPO most anything else to - everything else – in the porn world you can beat.
To your question “competing” with porn is closest but I would phrase it more like “blocking porn”. He is horny and has two choices. You want to envelop him so he can not find the excuse to rebuff you. He may still go down and MB to porn after making love to you at first unless you can coax several O’s out if him. At the core of all this is the intimacy. Porn can not provide it. With it in your relationship I believe porn can not compete. There are a lot more learned folks on that I’m sure. For me when our sex life was natural, regular and had some variety; porn was a non issue. I will think more but will note for now that possibly varied positions, that flow from one to another (i.e. not programmed or mechanical) might be a good gauge of success.
“I just dont want to be forcing him into having sex with me.” Right now when my W and ML it is mechanical and unsatisfying. I feel like she is doing it as her marital duty. Compounding that is I hate that she enjoys it and has Os. I mention this because I fear for you if your current approaches regularly lead to “OK I know I have to do this” from H. Gets old leads and leads wandering.
I have never fended off my W so if you are rubbing him and nibbling on his neck etc to spool him up and he is rejecting after you really try (months) then he is more like my LD wife- note my “call sign”. I just don’t know. My W never has MB’d though so perhaps there is hope and he can come back to you following the “lift his esteem and build intimacy” through healthy sex approach.
Good luck I would get opinions from the regulars that make sense to you, C or books before committing to a plan.
