25 year-- Yes, the point you make is well taken, thank you for it. It comes down to appreciating your loved one’s love language. I have learned to quiet myself a bit so I can hear it in others—my children for example and to love the love they give me. I would like to think that had things worked out differently and H did “get it” and come home I would have the fortitude and character to work on putting the past where it belongs. But as Phoenix says, if he is not in it with both feet in the water, ready to handle what comes, then it wouldn’t work. I love him and I always will, and I definitely can forgive him, but I am fairly sure he cannot give me the love I need to feel safe and contented in a relationship anymore (note: this is different than saying "he cannot give me the love I need to make me happy).
One person can carry a R for a little while, just so the other one can equilibrate, but at some point both people have to be in the trenches together. It is, as we have all seen from either reading the stories of others or first hand experience, VERY hard work and it cannot be done alone. It cannot not be done if one person is always on the verge of bolting the second things get a little dicey.
I have learned a lot the past year and one of the things I have learned to do is let go of the things I cannot change. But there is a difference between that and trusting again. As Ford and SE point out, there was a lot of damage done. Wanton and thoughtless behavior broke my heart like I never thought possible and the hearts of my four small children. H revealed a terrible weakness in his character and while I do hope we will remain friends and co-parents, it seems obvious that the days of our marvelous love and marriage are things of the past. If he ever wanted to come home it would be very difficult to know what to do and yes, it would depend on his attitude about the reconciliation. Half hearted returns don’t seem to work and just cause more heartache in the long run. I wouldn’t want guilt or constant apologies to be the focus, but knowing that he loved me and was willing to fight for us would be a minimum requirement. Worrying that he is gonna walk because he can’t handle it would make me nuts.
We used to say we were magic. This was a 20 year relationship and most of it, which he agrees with to this day, was amazing and wonderful. We took great pride in knowing that we were loved and admired by others who recognized that we had a real loving partnership and we appreciated each other for most of those years. But people change. Some of us see the changes and roll with them. Others, like my H, break under the pressure and are never the same again.
I agree that demanding constant reassurance is not healthy, but there does need to be an effort on the part of the person who did the damage to mend the wounds he inflicted by behaving in a way that reassures. By being open and honest and loving in the best way he (or she) can is to build back trust. And it is also important for us, now wise DBers, to recognize when love is being expressed, even if it isn’t in the language we ourselves express it.
