I get what you are saying and all the ?s you ask are ones I have asked or wondered and answered elsewhere on this post. But I wanted to share something that MIGHT make it into your heart if I can express it well enough.
In a workshop I attended a man had spoken of his W often and how she did not love him the way he wanted to be loved. At least, that is how I saw his problem....anyway, he mentioned that she wanted to come to the "graduation" if he wanted her to and he did. But he changed his mind, and so she did not plan on attending. Later someone convinced him it would be fun and once again the H changed his mind about his W coming to the ceremony...She again was flexible and fine with whatever he wanted. He seemed a little embarrassed at how many times his mind had changed. A light went off in his head and he began weeping.
He said, "all these years I've wanted her love to come to me in a certain way and I refused it if it wasn't in that exact 'one lane of a road', it could only come in the lane I wanted it from..... I've shut out so much of the love in the other lanes, so much love she was offering me all these years, what a fool I've been....she will come to the ceremony or stay home b/c she wants to do what will make ME happy....I want to love her the way she loves me and not close off so many lanes in my life...."
I saw this with my own eyes, and hope it comes across half as profound as I experienced witnessing it. It was a miracle I think, and if you'd heard his earlier comments you'd know it was true. How much do we shut off?
And if your H somehow made it clear that he GOT IT, and was genuinely sorry, why couldn't you THEN drop it, forgive and move on.???? If he really got it, he wouldn't do anything perilously close to his "before" behavior. You don't have to psychoanalyze it to be reassured, I'd say the opposite. BUt you will get nowhere if you insist that he keep on proving it all over again to you.
DB coach said to me (and other LBSers) something you might like:
"KEEP THE ROAD HOME PAVED AND SMOOTH" so let's not make it harder than it already is. I know some WAS don't ever come back b/c they believe it'll be too hard...they won't be forgiven or trusted or even taken back at all no matter what. When LBSers insist on continuing to need the reassurances a year down the road, they make it harder for all. IF your H got it, then you move forward as if it's a new love, b/c it is.
j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
