A question for all of you piecing..are you happy?

[25yearsmlc]

Phoenix,

I'm with you on the "half way" back. Can't do that cuz in a way that's what caused lots of this. H was NOT fully into the M and family and his priroities continue to be a problem.....so if he cannot FULLY commit whatever that looks like, and it's no more than I feel, than it's best for him to be with someone else.

I guess I am an all or nothing woman right now.....I've been at this a while and I will be fine no matter what ---

j-

[25yearsmlc]

Dear Moving on,

I get what you are saying and all the ?s you ask are ones I have asked or wondered and answered elsewhere on this post. But I wanted to share something that MIGHT make it into your heart if I can express it well enough.

In a workshop I attended a man had spoken of his W often and how she did not love him the way he wanted to be loved. At least, that is how I saw his problem....anyway, he mentioned that she wanted to come to the "graduation" if he wanted her to and he did. But he changed his mind, and so she did not plan on attending. Later someone convinced him it would be fun and once again the H changed his mind about his W coming to the ceremony...She again was flexible and fine with whatever he wanted. He seemed a little embarrassed at how many times his mind had changed. A light went off in his head and he began weeping.


He said, "all these years I've wanted her love to come to me in a certain way and I refused it if it wasn't in that exact 'one lane of a road', it could only come in the lane I wanted it from..... I've shut out so much of the love in the other lanes, so much love she was offering me all these years, what a fool I've been....she will come to the ceremony or stay home b/c she wants to do what will make ME happy....I want to love her the way she loves me and not close off so many lanes in my life...."

I saw this with my own eyes, and hope it comes across half as profound as I experienced witnessing it. It was a miracle I think, and if you'd heard his earlier comments you'd know it was true. How much do we shut off?

And if your H somehow made it clear that he GOT IT, and was genuinely sorry, why couldn't you THEN drop it, forgive and move on.???? If he really got it, he wouldn't do anything perilously close to his "before" behavior. You don't have to psychoanalyze it to be reassured, I'd say the opposite. BUt you will get nowhere if you insist that he keep on proving it all over again to you.

DB coach said to me (and other LBSers) something you might like:

"KEEP THE ROAD HOME PAVED AND SMOOTH" so let's not make it harder than it already is. I know some WAS don't ever come back b/c they believe it'll be too hard...they won't be forgiven or trusted or even taken back at all no matter what. When LBSers insist on continuing to need the reassurances a year down the road, they make it harder for all. IF your H got it, then you move forward as if it's a new love, b/c it is.

j-

[happy_again]

I am happier now and am so thrilled with my marriage. It has not been easy for my family but just the fact that we are all trying and working through it means the world to me.

[MotherMovingOn]

Hey FF--I've been wondering about you. I remember when you first showed up and how angry you were and it is amazing how far you have come. I am SO happy to hear of this great news--congratulations! It goes to show you that things can be good when both people really want it and are willing to put the work into the marriage. After all, what could be more worthy an effort than to try to make your family whole again? I wish you and your family all the best.
~Althea

[believing_isaiah43]

Wow. What 25yrMLC posted really poked me hard (about the man and his 'one lane road' and how we need to keep the road home smooth as long as our spouse truly "got it" and came home). Reality check upside the head for me.
I'm copying to read it again. I have to ponder that over the next day or so. Thanks a bunch for that. Will copy this over to my thread to keep for reference.

[MotherMovingOn]

25 year--
Yes, the point you make is well taken, thank you for it. It comes down to appreciating your loved one’s love language. I have learned to quiet myself a bit so I can hear it in others—my children for example and to love the love they give me. I would like to think that had things worked out differently and H did “get it” and come home I would have the fortitude and character to work on putting the past where it belongs. But as Phoenix says, if he is not in it with both feet in the water, ready to handle what comes, then it wouldn’t work. I love him and I always will, and I definitely can forgive him, but I am fairly sure he cannot give me the love I need to feel safe and contented in a relationship anymore (note: this is different than saying "he cannot give me the love I need to make me happy).

One person can carry a R for a little while, just so the other one can equilibrate, but at some point both people have to be in the trenches together. It is, as we have all seen from either reading the stories of others or first hand experience, VERY hard work and it cannot be done alone. It cannot not be done if one person is always on the verge of bolting the second things get a little dicey.

I have learned a lot the past year and one of the things I have learned to do is let go of the things I cannot change. But there is a difference between that and trusting again. As Ford and SE point out, there was a lot of damage done. Wanton and thoughtless behavior broke my heart like I never thought possible and the hearts of my four small children. H revealed a terrible weakness in his character and while I do hope we will remain friends and co-parents, it seems obvious that the days of our marvelous love and marriage are things of the past. If he ever wanted to come home it would be very difficult to know what to do and yes, it would depend on his attitude about the reconciliation. Half hearted returns don’t seem to work and just cause more heartache in the long run. I wouldn’t want guilt or constant apologies to be the focus, but knowing that he loved me and was willing to fight for us would be a minimum requirement. Worrying that he is gonna walk because he can’t handle it would make me nuts.

We used to say we were magic. This was a 20 year relationship and most of it, which he agrees with to this day, was amazing and wonderful. We took great pride in knowing that we were loved and admired by others who recognized that we had a real loving partnership and we appreciated each other for most of those years. But people change. Some of us see the changes and roll with them. Others, like my H, break under the pressure and are never the same again.

I agree that demanding constant reassurance is not healthy, but there does need to be an effort on the part of the person who did the damage to mend the wounds he inflicted by behaving in a way that reassures. By being open and honest and loving in the best way he (or she) can is to build back trust. And it is also important for us, now wise DBers, to recognize when love is being expressed, even if it isn’t in the language we ourselves express it.

Thanks all for sharing so openly,
Althea

[25yearsmlc]

Hey MM-,

As my H is visiting this weekend I've done some reading about love languages and what's at the start of this thread. I am pissed at my H right now, despite lots of progress lately, b/c of something I don't even understnad myself--why it bothers me so much....he's as a conference down here and is staying for every second of it, including the smoozing events, while we live an hour away. Mind you, he LIVES in Alaska, and wants me and d9 to join him after d17 graduates....how important do you think I feel to this man?

Lately he has said things I need to hear, about missing us a lot, "needing" me there with him, etc. But I guess when it comes to his work, I just don't know if I can take feeling 2nd or 3rd anymore. In fact, I KNOW I cannot. I am an all or nothing type, though I have a career and interests I am not seen as needy. H is seen as a workaholic, and I guess I have to figure out whether he has changed at all....Words are easy.....but his actions were really hurtful....deceitful as well.....and I know what Ford means when he says it's a "tainted m". Not b/c I cannot let go of the past. B/c I feel like I keep finding the same behavior now, again and again, that feels like crap.

I must admit, I told him off a bit and I'm surprised I let it bother me so much and threw DBing out the window....dang, a backslide. Also, goes to show that we cannot act as if all is well if the underlying issues remain. Our resentments will surface--hello, mine just did....oh my, I have work to do and so does H. And I only have control over my work....sometimes this just sucks.

Gilda Radner faced another biopsy result and didn't know how her life was going to go, or end,etc. She said to some extent we all live with some ambiguity in life....and that learning to stop worrying about it, learning to embrace the ambiguity, the unknowns of our future, was the secret to living well..... easier said than done, but a goal.
j-