Flip, Rewrite history, pretty close. This is his defense mechanism for dealing with his guilt.
My relization: It was sudden. Like a bolt out of the blue. I can't really describe what I was feeling. I was pretty well wrung out emotionally. I haven't really spent much time thinking about what changed me, but what I really think helped was the 1 hour drive to work every day. Every day of my seperation, I woke up with this delima, that nagging feeling of something unresolved. Most days, I'd turn off the cell phone, turn off the radio and just drive, and think.. Hell I even talked out-loud to myself.. crazy as that sounds. I found myself making lists, Pros vs Cons of D or 180. I know that sounds horrible, but that was what I was left with. One overwhelming feeling that I do remember, just before I returned was one of impending doom. I can't think of a better way to put that.. I WANTED the OW, but I didn't want to. I cried over it, and I used my defense mechanisms to combat it. You know, this is the craziest part.. I think I knew that even before I left. How I ever came to realize that, I don't know. I'm thanking the Lord. I think surly someone was praying for my clarity.
My H says his A is not sexual. I don't know if this is true, he says they started as friends, and it is only emotional. I have read alot of cards and letters they wrote, and listened to phone messages she left for him. They seemed to be planning for a future in the next four or five years. He said we could work on us, and can tell I have changed, but he hasn't given ow up. what I want to know from mike and JM is how else can I help H to forget the ow? What can I do to get him to see that it is wrong? Just keep changing and doing the things he said I didn't do enough of before? I hope he gets some clarity before it is too late for us. Thanks, L
VeryCrazy - I'm give you my 2 cents... as I am trying to call off my EA and turn around my own MLC.... I don't think there is anything my H could do to help me. Its an addiction to the OM that I have. Its a selfish thing of my own. He can't change that - I have to want to and make the steps to break my addiction. I feel somewhat lucky that my OM cares for me enough to honor my wishes... that I want to give my marriage one last shot and I can't do that while he & I are having an EA. OM is making efforts to leave me alone as well. Its a tough addiction to break. I am grieving a loss of someone I care about deeply, a relationshp that I am very attached to. Show your H signs that you love him in ways he needs to hear. Give him space. Take care of you and do what is good for you. Be patience. Baby steps - for both you and your H. Hang in there DRS
Jokerman, where are you? Hope you're okay. This is aidandylan (I changed my screename to aid because I was paranoid that H would find the website and figure it out). Hope you're okay.
I am still trying to understand this whole addiction thing. My H does seem to be addicted (as evidenced by the title of my thread, "Breaking the OP Addiction). H has come back to me on so many occasions saying I'm the only one for him, only to have on a number of occasions him going back to her for a day here a day there.
Well, I found out last week that H and OW still talk and text -- they are friends. The last time he had come home, i made it clear that he could only come back if he cut contact with OW. He agreed to it, but didn't do it. He said he did, but I found out that it was not the case.
This last time he came back, he said this time he would break off contact with her. So on Friday, he left her a message saying that they cannot talk any longer unless it's work related. I have a few thoughts/fears about this.
First, i am totally surprised that my H did this. I find myself wondering if he put the phone on mute when he left the message or if he called someone elses voice mail (even though I heard her voice on teh message). I frakly just can't believe he was finally willing to do this.
Second, if it is all legit, then I worry that he'll go through withdrawls adn not only that, they do see each other on a work basis (tomorrow night at a dinner for one).
I don't know what to do anymore. I want to beileve him, but H is a weak person and seems to have trouble denying himself of anything.
UGH... how can OW be gone for good? And when will I ever feel like she's gone for good? I've thought she was gone for months... and for months, I continue to see thta she is still in the picture.
My take is that H really does wnat to be here and really does want to spend his life with me. But he still has trouble staying away from horrible OW. He doesn't know how to handle pain, so he gives into anythign taht will give him immediate relief from the pain -- classic covert depression if you ask me.
Aid, I was just lurking around and read this thread. I had a lightning bolt moment of understanding that I want to share with you. I just want you to consider this. My D's are obsessed with TV show Friends. There is an eposode where Ross, who just married Emily has to give up his friendship with Rachael, a woman who he truly loved and moved on from. In order for his new marriage to continue, he must chose between friendship and marriage. He choses marriage, but viewers and other characters truely see how hard and maybe impossible this choice will be to follow through with. Now, this is not your sitch at all. But to MLC, even this friendship that you are asking him to chose to give up might be impossible to do. If Emily would ask for diminishing contact, or including her in all contact, she might have had a chance. But cold turkey, even in a friendship might be impossible at this time. Be patient with him if you want to win the war. If I was ask to give up an important friendship, or my family to have my marriage back, this would be a tough choice to make. My friends and family have been there for me. But we do ask ourselves, can we cheat and still call our family even though the relationship is outlawed? What is the harm, my family is a different kind of relationship than marriage,,,,,,, see how easy it is to be drawn into breaking a promise? Let the affair die. It will. Let it strangle itself and become so distasteful that you will KNOW it is over. Holly
Bomb 1/06 D dismissed 11/07, attempt reconciliation. Premature. Divorce final October 31, 2008. OW looks like bad history. Over. Still hopeful. Baby steps. In R with my X.
I am commited to staying away from her though it has been very difficult. Now, I learn that she has moved on, has a new BF and it is killing me.
Mike, I am reading your thread for the first time and I keep going back to your first post. Is it difficult for you to know she has moved on so quickly?
Are you able to talk to your wife and discuss goals for your M? Are you working on building back the trust?
Holly, I hear waht you're saying... and it did give me pause. However, as I continued to think it through, here's what i came up with... I basically gave him the whole summer to ease out of this with her. I did not tell him he cannot have contact with her, but I did tell him he needed to tell me when he had contact with her. He never did that. I ended up "catching" them talking and in most cases the talking was indicative of more. For example, over teh summer, he was in contact with her, until one night he told me he was stayign at a friend's house, when in fact he was with her.
I have said to him on SO many occasions that if he talks to her, he is to let me know, and I would simply respond by saying, "thank you for telling me". But he had to continue to take it to the next level. One day, he left our MC session then went to play golf with her and lied to me about it. That's when I said to him, "i'll make the choice for you... you're hers". Only to have him come back 4 days later. FInally at that point, i told him that I would take him back on two conditions... no lying and no friendship with OW. He agred. He did nto adhere.
So this last time when I found out they were still talking, I told him that I have given him 6 months to ease out of that R. And here we are, he is still talking to her. So, I told him that I cannot be with him and I wanted to move on. I really meant it. 3 days later (last Monday) he came back and said that he can't imagine his life without me and that he'd tell OW that they are to have no contact and that we're back to gether. I told him taht at this point, that is in fact what I need. I cannot go on knowing that he is having a friendship, that usually ends up leading to more, with this horrible person.
I am truely at the point, and I've told him this, that if he wants her in his life, that's fine. I dno't want to tell him who he can and can't be friends with. But in that case, he cannot be in a M with me. It's not fair to me and it's eating me alive. I would truely rather be without him than living the way i have been.
So, i really do hear what you're saying, but this woudl have gone on forever and I can't live with this anxiety anymore.
Thanks for the Friends analgoy. I remember that storyline well. Only difference is that I feel more like I'm Rachel in this scenerio -- Rachel was Ross's "meant-to-be", not Emily. I don't believe horrible OW is my H's "meant-to-be". I think she lures him in with her tendancy towards drinking, sports, gambling and probably sex. He has said on a number of occasions that I am the only one who really knows him and I'm the only one he really loves. BUT, he is stuggling with doing the right thing. He gives in too easily to his emotions and temptations.
Anyone heard from Mike in a while? Maybe he's busy getting his M on track
