Mike, You stand a good chance of making a great marriage with your W. You have that level of awareness, which is great. I thought my H did. He has said things to me like, "she was filling a void" and "I'll never love anybody but you" and "I want to spend my life with you" and "we can make it thorugh this". But then he goes back to OW after saying all those things. So, i'm at a loss.
You need to remember what you just wrote everytime you think you want to go back to her. Think of the great M you can have. Figure out how to fill the voids in your M with your W.
On the kids issue. They are very much a part of everything, But personnaly, I found more reasons to leave when considering that factor. "Our kids need a healthy home life", "They need to know what true love between a daddy and mommy is like.", "Tommy acts so much better when he is with me or with you but when we are all together he is a holy terror", "I want what is best for the children", "I think we are staying together for the kids", etc..
Now that all of this has come out, it means a hell of a lot of work to fix. Put simply, Staying means work, but it can also mean that somthing good has come of all of this.
Did the W know about the A. Yes. She suspected when I left, but when I returned I broke down and told her all about it. Very painful experience, but here is where it has got me.. I don't have any secrets. I don't have to lie about anything anymore. This hurt everyone, even the OP. but it was necessary. I know that if my marriage is going to work, there has to be trust.
I'm so glad I found this board. Talking about this is helping me deal with it all. Thanks to everyone.
WOW.. I know this is more than just irony... I did the exact same things as your H. I literally felt like I was on an emotional roller coaster. Here is his delima.. he has to hurt someone. He has already hurt you. now he's faced with hurting another.. the guilt is eating him up, and the OW is laying it on thick. Also, If our similarities continue... he is starting to feel vulnerable. He dosn't really want the OW. He thought he did, and has said and done some things that have put him in a corner so to speak. You need to reinforce to him that "We can work through this." but ultimatly he has a difficult task ahead. I'd like to be able to talk to him. It sounds like he's dealing with, or will deal with the same things I have.
Thanks Jokerman. You are right 100% I am taking this one day at a time. I am slowly realizing that A) I was manipulated by a AW that needed AM. Her H treated her badly, and she is insecure... B)the things she said to me were probably not genuine. And C) when it comes right down to it... I could never trust her. Ironic isn't it? Trough all of this I came to realize that I love my W and all that we have together too much to throw away. Mike
Mike, I have read your post and feel bad for you. But I’ve got to ask you some specific questions. If you love your wife and want to move forward, why are you finding it hard to forget the OW? Why are you NOW realizing what a wonderful person your wife is and that there is too much at risk to throw away???!!! Is it guilt that has led you to feel like this?
I too am in the same boat as your wife. Eleven months ago, it was happening to me and I was unaware of it! My H is saying the same things you are saying “he loves me more than anything”, “he realizes what a good thing he has” blah, blah, blah………Do I believe it? Sometimes I do, other times I doubt it. It has caused so much misery and hurt. Everyone here tells me to let it go and move forward and try working on my M, which I try to the best of my ability. But it is the hardest challenge of my life. I love my H but am angry and hurt even after almost a year.
So, if you really want to work on your M and love your W and make it up to her, then throw away the trash and leave it out. Focus on your M and your W. If you still have feelings for the OW, you are robbing your W of the love she needs to get back on her feet. She probably senses that she doesn’t have you 100%. Don’t keep hurting her.
****If you love your wife and want to move forward, why are you finding it hard to forget the OW?
As twisted as it is, an affair is a relationship. There are real feelings. The OW fills a void and makes you feel "whole". Once the OW is gone you miss the OW but you also miss that feeling of being "whole"
****Why are you NOW realizing what a wonderful person your wife is and that there is too much at risk to throw away???!!! Is it guilt that has led you to feel like this?
Guilt is somewhat a part of it, but you get to a point where you see how wrong it is and you see things for what they are. Not all OW, but many are just selfish people. Once you compare your wife to this, she looks good by comparison.
Mike am I too far off base? I would like to hear your take. Plus, feel free to shoot me an e-mail. I am just fresh off my affair and have shared some of the same battles.
JM, I def think the A is an attempt to fill a void. But why I think it's so hard to break off is because He's on the fence right now, stuck between going back to the woman that he hurt, wondering if they can really work through this. Or rolling the dice on a new life. And hoping that OW can fill the void that losing his w will cause... Just MHO.
I'd be interested in your opinions on this. My H claims our break up has nothing to do with the OW. That he always had doubts, although he admits he was completely happy on our wedding day just 18 months previously. Is this just BS? Has the fact of his affair made him re-write history so he feels less bad about what he's done? Or could he be telling the truth?
Also did you come to a sudden realisation that you wanted your wife, or was it more a slow dawning?
You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him discover it in himself. Galileo Galilei
Mike and Joker, Thank you so much for your open thoughts. As you can see, the rest of us LBS's are eager to get some insight into what our WAS's might have going on in their heads.
My wife seems to be waffling with her OM. She's also talking to me more and finding excuses to come to the house. However this is only when OM isn't around. I'm doing the DB stuff and it seems to help, but I sure would like to know how I could have her realize the same things you have Mike. If you haven't already, I suggest that you get the book "Not Just Friends". It deals specifically with workplace affairs, and how they can so easily happen. I believe that had I not read that book, I would never have been able to consider giving my W another chance. It helped me to understand and to not take it so personally. It would be a great book to have your wife read also. Had I not read that book, I never would have gotten to the Divorce Remedy book, which is like a Bible to me now. Good luck. I'm gonna keep my eye on this thread.
