Hello all, Here is my story. I am married to a wonderful lady, mother of my 2 children. I have cheated. I have left. I have come back. The circumstance of my A, I am sure, is a fairly common one. It was a torrid office romance with a MW, who is now in the midst of a very ugly D. (Mix in another heap of guilt and stir) Anyway.. the OW works very closly with me, and for the most part we have remained civil, even though "I did her wrong". I am commited to staying away from her though it has been very difficult. Now, I learn that she has moved on, has a new BF and it is killing me. My heart aches and I am so confused. I love my W. I want nothing more than for my M to work out. How can I make these feelings for the OW go away? HELP!
You need to break off contact with her 100%...which seems like it might be next to impossible with you working in the same office. You might think about finding another job...sounds drastic but do you want to save your marriage? It will take time...do some reading about what causes affairs...figure out what is missing in your relationship that caused you to do what you did. Recommit to your wife!!!
You might want to read over these articles on infidelity:
Infidelity
Hey there, have glad you are back w/your wife. When my H's A ended and he was back w/me he still wanted to contact her (she broke it off badly) and didn't want to end on a bad note w/her. I think she got someone and that got to him too (found and old note in which it said he was going to go back to his wife (me) but that "he" had moved in (new bf I guess).
I want you to understand that what you had w/her was an illution, you prob are still getting over it, working closely w/her just agravates things. You lost your mind for a while and your R w/her was just a patch for your problems, OP never belonged to you, your W does.
Remind yourself that OP was a mistake not a lost romance, she seems to be doing just find hoping from man to man, she isnt' worth it.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Hey Mike, Yeah it's gonna pretty much suck for a while. It is good that she is not going psycho on you, but it is not good that you have to work with her. Do your best to avoid her. She has already moved on and you need to as well. Everyday that you "miss' her, and I trust you do, you are taking valuable time away from putting the effort into your marriage that it needs.
Also find out why you got into the affair. There is weaknesses in yourself and in your marriage that need to be resolved.
Feelings, they can be so valuable but can also be such a load of horsesh*t! Realize that you are dealing with a fantasy here. The OW is not who you want her to be and never was. She is a joy ride that takes you away from real life. If you had of continued your A with her you would have come to find that out. To your credit you have not followed that path but have recognized the value of your M. By focusing on building a REAL relationship you will see the difference. Hats off to someone with the moral decency to try again despite the pain I know you feel right now.
I'm so glad you've had the strength of character to return to your wife. My H has done the exact same thing you did, had an affair with a co-worker, but he's going full steam ahead with the D, is convinved we don't have anything in common and shouldn't be married. We don't have any children, which makes it harder to save our marriage, I think.
Out of interest, how did you realise that you wanted to return to your wife? Were you conviced the OW was 'the one'?
You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him discover it in himself. Galileo Galilei
Mike, I agree with flip. It take a lot of character to do what you're doing. Obviously, all of us here on this board do not see infidelity as a death sentence, which is why we're all here. Many of us wish our spouses would do what you're doing and have the courage to face your demons. But for many of us, our Hs are not at that level of realization. May I ask, does your W know about the A? Whether she did or she didn't, what drove you to realize that you wanted to be with your W and not OW?
flip,
Quote: We don't have any children, which makes it harder to save our marriage, I think.
I see your point to a degree, but I find that having kids makes this whole thing so much harder. I am so lucky to have them and they are the ray of sunshine in my hurricane, but the thought of breaking our family apart kills me. I feel like it would be easier to focus on saiving the M if kids were not involved. I have to deal with, "where's daddy". That kills me. I think you have a better chance of focusing on how to save your M becasue you don't have kids. I guess you can see pros and cons to both sides.
I certainly take your point, I can't imagine the pain of putting your kids through this. I guess what I mean is that kids are a little bit of glue that can help bind a spouse to you. Jokerman has said many times that his kids were a major factor in him deciding to return to his wife. Maybe it's just the fact that having kids means you were (at one point at least) very committed to each other and maybe are more likely to be again. Certainly us trying for a baby was one of the factors that drove my h away - even though it was his idea - the thought of suddenly being trapped with another kid (he has a d8 from a previous R) seems to triggered his departure (along with the arrival of the OW)
Sorry for the highjack!
You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him discover it in himself. Galileo Galilei
I was convinced the OW was 'the one'. But I finally realized that no one could love me like my W. That plus the fact that something like 9/10 relationships with the OP fail. I think really those two factors somehow snapped me out of "fantasy land". I don't mean to sound callous, but I think it important, when so much is at stake, think things through.
