How to handle H in separate room

[inpain_dup1]

Well - we went to get the bed and talked about R all the way there at his suggestion. I ended up feeling really upset and confused - he still doesn't know what he feels and the things he said on Sunday (The decision I'm making is not about getting divorced. The decision I'm making is about whether to move back in and try) apparently didn't mean he was moving back - I've misunderstood. He sais he can see why I would have thought that from what he said but that that isn't what he meant. He also said he keeps telling me not to worry because he doesn't like me being upset and doesn't want me to worry - not because there is nothing to worry about. I told him how painful this all is for me and he said don't you think I know how painful it is for you. I said I had thought maybe he didn't realise how painful it is for me to see him every day because I read things into it and thought he was coming home so I didn't think he knew how painful it was. He says he knows how much it is hurting me.

We made a start on putting bed together and didn't argue once (another 180 where DIY is concerned!) and then I dropped him off in town for a night out (he asked me to). I've seen him today but he was really hung over and tired. I'd finished putting the bed together myself last night and he said it looked nice and how comfy it was. I apologised for getting upset yesterday and explained that I had thought that becuase we were getting the bed I thought he'd be moving into it because S really isn't ready for the bed yet. He said he'd got it because it meant there was another option for him.

I'm so miserable now, I feel like there is no hope left of him coming home and nothing left to fight for. He says he loves me but not to the degree he did when we got married. He says he needs to work out whether to give it another go. I broke a DB rule and asked him what reasons he had for not coming back and trying and he couldn't give me any and said it was a really difficult question.

I just don't know what to do now. Don't know whether to get house valued and start looking for a job and start thinking about D myself. I just don't know why I'm waiting for someone who doesn't want to be with me. I deserve to be loved back.

[xuesheng]

Inpain,

I know it's really really tough. Been there. My W slowly moved back in over the course of about 6 months.

I really like the "tempting a rabbit to eat from your garden" analogy. There was a great thread on it once.

Basically your H is the scared little rabbit. Wants to come close but any sudden movement from you is gonna send him running. You must go about your way and act almost indifferent.

No R talks
No Pushing it

Nothing.

Just do your thing

GAL

The less you seem to be fretting and worrying and all that stuff the faster he'll come back.

Just remember every sudden move you make (R talks) will send him running and you have to start over again.

It's really really hard. The thing you want the most, well, don't even think about it. Act as if your not concerned. Friendly and loving buut not anxious.

There's an Anais Nin qoute which says something to the effect of

"anxiety is the greatest killer of love. The lover wants to help but feels like he's trying to save a drowning person and just might drown himself"

That's not the exact qoute but the idea. Thrash around too much and he'll back off. Remain calm and he'll come closer.

Hardest thing I've ever done in my life but it can be done.

Good luck to you

Xuesheng

[inpain_dup1]

Oh Xuesheng how I wish I had read your post before today! I have messed up BIG style and I mean BIIIIGGGG.

On Saturday we got a takeaway and DVD (H's suggestion). Everything was going great until H came to sit next to me on settee to share "film food". It just made me want to lay on him like the old days or cuddle up or kiss and when the film finished he just stared intently at the TV and said nothing. After about half an hour I got up and he asked why I was upset and I flipped out saying that I wanted to kiss and cuddle and it was obvious he wanted none of it. He said its not that he didn't want to he doesn't think its right in our situation because it would confuse things.

I get more upset and he asked if I could write a list of what I would expect if he moved back in. He then said he'd like to sleep in single bed for the night to see if it made him feel anything different about situation. So he did. I cried buckets into my pillow for about 2 hours. He had to get up early for work and as I was awake I popped in to wake him which he thanked me for. I got back in bed and he came in, sat on bed, stroked my hair and kissed my forehead and told me to try to sleep. I had written the list he asked for during the night and he took it away with him. He left saying see you later.

He didn't come round and I needed car so I rang to see if I could get it and he was still at work (by choice). I was taking S out and he asked me to get some milk for him. I dropped it off later and he said I needed to just back off a bit and he needed to think and kissed me on forehead again.

So today my first mistake was to txt asking what he meant by back off because seemed bit harsh. He said he wants me to not get upset when he leaves when we've had a good day together because he is happy when I'm happy and when I'm upset he can't think. I asked him why he can't think when I'm upset and that if he liked it when I was happy why didn't he make me permanently happy (2nd mistake). He didn't reply and a couple hours later I rang him to see if he was OK and he said he was. I took S to a playgroup this afternoon and as I was walking back H pulled up at side of road - he had left work early. He said he was going to town and did I need anything. He sounded really stroppy. I asked what was wrong and he blew up saying he'd got a headache and he was sick of questions questions and felt like his head was going to explode and drove off. I sent txt apologising for annoying him and asked if he wanted to chill out with me tonight and watch a comedy. He sent me a text I didn't understand and I ended up going round to see him (MASSIVE MISTAKE) He said he just felt S@*% and it wasn't necessarily to do with us and I need to give him space and leave him alone. He was looking at me like he hated me. He hasn't looked at me like that for 5 weeks. (I think I've undone all the baby steps I had achieved) I'm petrified he will want a D now.

While I have been typing he's just sent me a txt saying:
"all the stress has just come down on me today thats it not one thing just stress ok. Night night, speak tomorrow.

I think I need to act happy, not ask questions and leave him alone.

[cat03]

I felt just the same way after my H came back, he wasnt' ready to be close and affectionate and didn't feel the same towards me & that just killed me, I think the following posts are great advice:

Nothing dramatic, nothing angry....just done out of peace and respect. The more I let him go and showed him unconditional love the more he would come closer to me. he even told me later when I did this it drew him closer to me " cause it felt like I believed in him!"
I think you need to give him alot of space and allow yourself to heL CAUSE YOU HAVE A HARD PART TO GO THRU IF HE TRULY WANTS TO RECONCILE. aND DO NOT RUSH ANYTHING, YOU WANT HIM YOU WANT HIM TO GROW. NOT FORCE HIM TOO.

JOKERMAN WOULD TELL ME NOT TO PUSH AT ALL CAUSE HE WOULD BE MORE DRAWN TO WANT TO BE A PART OF THE ow. I loved the advice he gave me and I will tell you that sometimes I thought well
me??? I do not push but upon further examination of myself I realized as humble as I am I could let go more and get thru the fear and soothe myself not expect him to fix my PAIN

I see lots of hope in your sitch, I also need how you want to jump the gun and want to drag him to your side. Remember, he is his own person, he is at a different stage than you, he works differently, you can't make him do anything.

Just the fact that he was there with you watching teh DVD was a great sucess, don't expect much. LOWER ALL your expectations, don't be needy or he'll go running out of the door. I'm still guilty of that, my H even told me I can be smothering with my questions and needs.

Our needs are real, but we also need to be realistic and see when we are doing more damage than good. Be PATIENT please, show him what kind of woman he could be coming home to. It took me months to truly accept that old cliche "if you love something let it go, if it comes back to you..." you aren't supposed to be chasing, be still.

[runningoutoftime]

Don't worry about messing up. Sometimes it does take the LBS time to get the hang of things. It sounds like your husband is still working through a lot of things. I can see how a very slow, gradual reconcilation could be a good thing for both of you. You may need this time to relax, learn to let go of expectatinons and learn to wait for your husband to work through stuff. That seems like a positive thing. You just need to be patient and keep focusing on yourself, your own strength (if your husband died tomorrow in a car accident you'd go through pain, but you'd also need to be strong and help others get through it). Keep working on you and don't worry about him. Also, work on building a good strong friendship before you get to the other stuff. That's what's ultimately going to hold you both together.

[xuesheng]

Hi Inpain,

Just here to repeat the advice you got from the others. It's exactly right.

I screwed up for a long time. Did everything wrong. Took me a long time to learn to DB and I feel I still don't have it right. But I'm better at it every day.

Part of DB'ing is putting your failures behind you and looking forward to your next success.

Your R has a great deal of hope in it. What your H is saying is actually extremely positive compared to the common sitch. Most WAS will say with resolution that it is over. It is only that tiny spark of doubt that we work on. Yours says there is doubt. That is huge.

The best thing you can do is to take care of yourself. Calm down, give him lots and lots of space and then give him more, but all lovingly.

Anxiety and fear send them running. Calm confidence pulls them in.

Xue

[inpain_dup1]

I know you're all right but I just can't seem to calm myself. I feel like I can't breath every when he's not here. I feel happy when he is here. I'm terrified of what the future holds. I am not a strong person. I need some closure on this situation one way or another for the sake of my health and for my S sake. I don't want to look back and feel like I wasted my S's first years because I was miserable. My S has had two months of a miserable Mum. I'm really seriously considering filing for D myself now just to end the uncertainty. I hate uncertainty - I always have. I can't carry on living in our house, sleeping in our bed, looking after our S on my own for much longer. I know I can't and it scares me because I am going to end up doing the one thing I'm trying to avoid just to give my heart and head some peace.

[cat03]

C-A-L-M D-O-W-N

Do you think we all that are here were strong from the get go and were happy go lucky during our separation? NO, I crumpled like a dry leaf and lost 13 lbs in 2 weeks, this is a terrible trial to endure... but you will become STRONGER after this, your M will be much better after.

When I think of how my M was before my H left I shuddered, I wasn't the wife I should've been, I've seen my ugly side and learned from my mistakes, have you seen where YOU went wrong? it took 2 people for things to get where they are now.

You want him to decide on your OWN time and that is just not feasable. I too hated limbo. Your leading force right now is you and your S, it's ok to feel bad and cry now and then, but pull yourself from your bootstraps and DEFY misery everyday, CHOOSE to be happy because YOU deserve it, to live each day at its fullest despite the rollercoaster your H is in right now.

You are making him responsible for your own happiness, just like I did on my M, that' s another reason things go downhill. Make your own path, choose to make things that make you happy, detach and choose each day which road you'll take, the road to misery that will lead you nowhere, or the high road where you take control of your life, because that' sthe only person you can change, you, he needs to figure himself out now, please let him.

I never thought I could go on for more than 3 mths w/out my H, I couldnt' picture me and my 2 kids alone, but I went 7mths and I did it!! was it easy? no, did it take a day at a time to put myself together? yes. Eventually I stopped waking up with the hurt at the pit of my stomach in tears and I woke up thanking God for waht I did have and made a point of smile each time I opened my eyes.

Once you realize you don't need your H to live a full life and that you could make it on your own if it came to that, then you will have the peace of mind to wait for your H, I'm not saying you won't want your H, I'm saying you will realize that in order to survive you could make it without him.

THen you will be free to become the person you were when you were dating, the confident strong you he was attracted to. Be that person today.

There is so much hope in your sitch, please dont' throw all that away because things aren't happen at the rapid pace you want them to. Had I given my H an ultimatum 2-3mths after he left we prob would've gotten divorced, he was just NOT ready to come to me, he was still full of blame (towards me) and didnt' know who he really was, was hurt and blind to common sense.

Because of work, household and kids I put God last, this horrible ordeal put me back in His hands and He gave me peace like no other, He quieted my heart when it was breaking into little pieces. Pray every day, everytime you feel your are going into a tailspin.

Choose to not waste one more day in misery, realize this sitch could go on for a while, my H didn't even wanted to look at me after 2mths of him being gone, and look at your H! he spends time w/you! DO NOT loose hope!

Please see a T or a support group, I benefited from both greatly, your son deserves that, let no one ever said you didnt' fight to the bitter end for your family.

[inpain_dup1]

I know exactly where I went wrong and even H has admitted I have completely changed on them all since he left and still I am not good enough for him to try again with. I can't afford to see a T - our savings are dwindling away at a rapid rate trying to support two separate lives when H only earns enough to support one. Without H I have no home and no money. I too know I wasn't a good wife before he left and I have realised too late. I feel more in love with him each time we see each other and spend happy times together. We live miles away from anything so I can't even GAL without borrowing the car from him which is hardly being independent. I know everyone here has been through the same or worse I truly do not know how you are all still hanging on.

[cat03]

I didn't mean to sound accusing or anything, I was trying to have you focus on yourself so you can take the pressure off your H, to give him time to come around.

One day at a time, that's how we all make it, one hr, one day, one week at a time. I can see you are still in denial, and it is understandable, it took me a longtime to get out of the denial/shock state.