just gettin started on my life w/o H

[hc3gal]

Man lately I haven't been reading my Divorce Remedy and Devotional as I have been in the past and my situation has attempted taking over me the last couple days. I've been struggling to keep it together and have cried more in the last few days than I have in months. Everything is so hard to understand. My H seems to be drawing closer and I can't handle it...he's still with OW as he mentioned this morning to MIL that they, MIL and H, should take our son to this kids place to hang out...H had to mention it was someone's idea and made it really clear who that someone is. He didn't say her name apparently but said "someone." He told my MIL "I know what side of the fence you're on, you want me to get back together with H~"...as far as I know he didn't say anything like that's not going to happen or anything.

H said that he is not mentally stable right now and is stressed all the time and has so much anxiety that he can't sleep at night. He said he is very depressed and is confused about life.

Yesterday he told me he wants to go in the National Guard and he's really stressed about paying off his bills. He wanted my advice about where to get a credit card to do a balance transfer from a higher interest card and told me he already found someone to take over the lease for his apartment...he wants a cheap place where he can live, pay off bills, and have our dog part of the time. He said that no one really sees his place anyway. So much confusion right now that it's really overtaking me. He's been asking me all of the time what I'm doing, where I'm going, who's going....etc etc. He looked so depressed today when I went to pick up son from him. I think it's really easy for him to not think of me and be incensitive when I'm not around...then feels really guilty when I am around. I guess I shouldn't even try to understand what he's thinking or where he's coming from right now and continue to work on myself...I feel myself slipping and that's not a good feeling.

His mom mentioned that I would forgive him if he came back and he kept asking "how do you know....how do you know that." I feel like he wouldn't ask if he wasn't concerned whether I would or not....truth is I already have. I forgave him a couple months ago that's how I changed my perspective on things and my way of thinking. I just don't think he can fathom the thought of forgiveness for something such as what he's done and I really don't think he understands the meaning of unconditional love. He doesn't feel like he's a forgiveable person...I love my H more than anything and though it won't be an easy recovery from all of this I'm still dedicated to working on our marriage.

My mind is going a million miles an hour and I have to get to bed soon so I can get up in the morning so I'm going to go read and try to get my thoughts back together and my mind focused because right now it is pretty well out of focus

[ForPeanut]

I think you are doing very well in your situation! This constant conflict over how H feels about himself, life, future etc is bound to affect you. You love him and even though you are not his "partner" right now, you are. That is one of the things that I have found so difficult for anyone to understand. It is easy for outsiders to look at the situation and say that we would be better off without them and their drama but they don't understand that they are a part of us. Especially for those like us that have been together since we were practically kids. We truly became adults with our husbands. Their pain is our pain. I think a part of DBing is trying to release that part of the R. I don't know if I will ever truly accomplish that. I understand your feelings of forgiveness too. It is so hard for anyone else to understand how we could possibly forgive them for doing what they have done but I think you see your H for what he truly is...a person in pain. The hard part is that you are right, he probably cannot comprehend how you could possibly forgive him. That is his depression talking and really how you ended up here to begin with. All I can say is, keep being supportive of him (without smothering of course) and try to be his friend. From what he told his mom, it sounds like he is looking for one. Him wanting to join the military sounds like just one more sign of MLC. I don't know what your feelings on it are but if it were me, I would let him know that he means too much to your son and you to take that risk with his life right now. If you get the opportunity, you might want to slip in your 2 cents, whatever they may be.
I don't know what anyone else thinks but I would take him wanting a cheaper appartment as a good sign. That is him starting to nibble a bit of reality and see that this new life he has created is not all roses.
Has he seen a counselor at all? Again, if you get the opportunity, maybe mention to him, or his mom that you are wondering if he might benefit from talking to someone to help him make some of these choices. (I wish my H would)

Anyway, keep holding your head up, you are a wonderful person with a huge heart. Just keep being his friend and eventually he will find what he needs to do to be happy and get his priorities back in order.

[hc3gal]

So right now I'm having a hard time keeping my head up. I just got hired on for a full-time permanent position where I am working and was really excited but I'm not getting paid the entire month of December when I was getting paid weekly before. So how I'm going to pay my bills I'm not really sure. My mom just got a lot of money as an inheritance and doesn't seem to even want to loan me money...I have never screwed them before or anything like that and it is really hurting my feelings that when I am in such a time of need they are telling me "we never had anybody to just hand us money" and "you need to figure out how you can do this without us" and basically encouraging me to borrow money from someone else. That is crazy to me...why would they do this...I've never borrowed money from them before ever...now when I need to apparently I need to figure it out myself. I have friends that are willing to give me money and friends parents but not my own parents who were just blessed with thousands of dollars.

Anyway sorry for the venting. My H came over today to see our S since he hasn't seen him since Tuesday and misses him. He was here for about an hour and a half. He was talking about how he was going to use his second paycheck this month to buy Christmas presents and I mentioned that I won't be able to because I can't even pay my bills this month since I'm not getting paid until January 3rd. He said "really?? you're not getting paid at all until then?" I let him know that I'm not and I'm having to borrow money to pay all of the bills. He did offer to pay me more this month and a little less next month. He's always worried about his finances too but said that if I wrote out a budget he'd help me with what he needed to to get me through the month so that was really nice. I got teary when I was talking to him about how my mom was being with the money and he felt bad. He said "i can't believe she'd say that stuff to you when you're going through this sh** right now" which he said really akward because he knows that he is the main reason why I'm going through all this sh** right now

Still yet to hear anything from H in regards to us and the future but maybe someday. I have just been down for a while now but I can't explain exactly why. Everything seems to be going good between us...he does seem to care about me and tries to compliment me when he can. He told me today that I always dress our S really nice and he likes that. He's trying to be supportive with the money situation...why am I so down??? I don't understand what it is that is causing me to have doubts and be so frustrated with my situation lately! I just need to get my DBing hat back on and go for it but I'm having a hard time. He hasn't done anything negative lately...more positive stuff even...it's just so hard for me to stay positive right now and it's driving me absolutely nuts. I can't figure out why I feel this way.

Please if anybody has any encouragement it would be greatly appreciated

[ForPeanut]

Bottom line, money sucks. Congrats on the job though! It is really great that your H is willing to help you. Maybe your mom is questioning the loan because of your H? She might change her mind. Your bank might have a short term loan option for you too. Check into it. You don't need the $ stress on top of everything else.

There are so many things that may be dampening your mood but it sounds like maybe it is because you just are more in limbo. When he was not being as nice and giving you as much hope, it was easier to be guarded and at least secure that he wasn't coming back right now. The way he has been talking lately though, you have to be on your toes at all times just in case he throws the "I want to come back" at you. Just a thought.

I have to run to my cousin's house to deliver a bday present quick but if you are on soon, let me know what time zone you are in and maybe I can give you a call tonight.
~T

[hc3gal]

T, I would be so excited to get to chat with you on the phone...I'm in Oregon so Pacific time...two or three hours behind you. Call me anytime. I posted my number on your first thread. We would have so much to talk about I saw my H today and he just looked, well to say it nicely "like crap." Of course I don't ask...he doesn't tell. Oh well! He was nice to me and I complimented him on helping me out...he thanked me for appreciating him...blah, blah, blah. My big question is "when is the BIG BIG stuff going to happen...when is my H going to realize I'm what will make him happy????

Hopefully you can call soon I'll update more later!

[hc3gal]

My H spent a lot of time at our house Monday and Tuesday while he had our S and I was at work. He's been spending more time with our dog and been a lot more interested in my life...what I'm up to, who I'm hangin out with etc. He actually has been caring about what I want and telling me Thank You and that he really appreciates the things I do for him.

He asked me yesterday "what are you doing tomorrow?" And I said I wasn't sure yet and he mentioned that he'd give me a call and come over and hang out. I said "ok...and your moms going to be here too since she's watching S." It didn't seem like he liked that idea as much but said ok. Then I got a text from him today saying that Thursday will work out a lot better, that he didn't get any sleep and has to work tonight. He sounded excited over text to come over and see us...but this time he threw in that he wanted to hang with S...still not mentioning he wants to see me yet but that's ok. Just the simple fact that he's excited to come see us is pretty exciting.

His mom's little dog got attacked by the neighbor dog today and I tried calling him and texting him and he hasn't responded. I'm thinking he must be sleeping since he didn't respond to this...his mom is having a really hard time...she watched the other big dog tearing into her little pup.

What do u know, he just called his mom who's sitting right next to me...he just woke up He was really sad about his mom's dog and chatted with her for a few minutes but said he had to go take a shower so he could get ready for work....so I'll send him his "have a great night" text, go to bed and see if he comes over to hang out tomorrow night.

I'll keep you all posted Hope all is well in DBing land.

[hc3gal]

Roller coaster ride it is. H called last night on his way to work and was nice and asked about his moms dog getting attacked and we chatted for a couple minutes...he was really nice and said he was going to call me and come over today to hang out...didn't sound as excited as he did on Tuesday but oh well right??!!

Oh well...NOT. H must be getting along with OW again because he came over today and basically was as guilty as ever...pretty much like he'd just slept with someone...probably did. His mom was at my house too and he couldn't look at either one of us...didn't the whole time. It was the most uncomfortable time I've had with him in 4 months....can I say it went horrible. I could barely keep my comments in. The only thing I asked is what he did with my S's picture that he took when he moved into his apartment and he wouldn't answer. I said "I want it back if you aren't going to put it out because it's probably at someone's house that I would never want my son's picture at anyway!!" He said "what??" so I repeated myself and he did a nervous chuckle and said "you're being dumb." Then in his nervousness said about 10 minutes later that he thinks it's in his closet...can I call a BIG BS on that one. I wasn't born yesterday and I'm surely not stupid.

It was an all around bad visit...he was distant, guilty, texting, not paying attention to me or son. Telling me how he wants to change his visitation schedule next week and how he's working Monday, the one night that our S spends the night with him so he could go party on Saturday...he did a shift change with someone. Then he wants to keep him late on Tuesday so he can take him to the zoo to see the Christmas lights...never ever did that stuff with us before...sure it was OW's idea...he was all weird asking if he could have him and was even weirder trying to tell me where he was going.

He was just in this mood to deceive and lie...for some reason it just set me off tonight. Sadly I'm starting to think he is deceiving me all the time to get his way. I always know when we're doing good it will be over soon and he'll treat me like a stranger again. I'm always waiting for that to happen now. I'm starting to question my DBing and marriage saving.

I talked with a mutual friend today that he works with and the deceit was raised to a new level. Her S's daddy lives with her and has a girlfried too like my H and they are feeding eachother. It is horrible...we were both crying on the phone...both of us know a little and my H is lying to her too...we all used to be such good friends and our men are lying and deceiving everyone around them daily. My H covers for his friend cheating on his kids mom and my H's friend covers for him cheating on me. Neither one of them can keep eachother accountable and are actually just encouraging eachothers lies!! My H is hanging out with a bunch of new people that he can convince of his wife kicking him out and have them accept him

I'm going to call my lawyer and see when the courts generally give 30 days before they dismiss my filing. Not that I'm ready to serve him right now but I may be seriously considering it if he keeps up like this...it's pure torture and I feel like I'm just going to snap one of these days.

The lies and deceit are too much...OW doesn't even know...he's deceiving everyone around him of his life and all of his secrets...how can he live like this??

I'm going to take a step back this week and spend as little time as possible with him...I'm going to let him know nicely that he doesn't need to meet me for lunch to feed S on Monday and Tuesday and let him know I need some space right now. When I drop S off or pick him up I'm going to be nice and friendly, very brief, take care of business and go. I'm done playing his deceitful game. He needs to figure his life out and I don't want to be in the middle of the drama...I need some time to get back on track and seeing him, especially like he was tonight was REALLY hard. It was like Thanksgiving, the comments he made then...I can't take his life choices right now and I need some time to set some goals for myself and some boundaries.

Sorry for the venting but sadly I allowed my whole night to be affected by the 40 minutes he was at my house today not paying attention to his family. I'm just hurt to the core because of his insensitivity.

[ForPeanut]

Ugh! What is wrong with these guys? They really must be sick. Do they really think we are stupid enough to trust them forever just because they acted like they might care a little bit? His flip flopping between personalities is definitely a sign of his confusion but really, how long do you put up with it? There are people on here that are able to manage somehow for years! I don't think it is a matter of loving or not loving them but loving yourself. I know that DBing promotes GAL despite the mess our Hs are making but how can we really do that when our emotions are so tied up by them? I went out with some gfs last night and had fun but (if I weren't also hugely pregnant) could have done some serious flirting but my conscience wouldn't let me. Obviously my H doesn't have a problem doing whatever he wants but despite my detaching as best I can, I can't get rid of the feelings of dedication and love I have for him. I know "they" say that you will know when it is time to really let go but if we go by the MLC or depression theories, our Hs may really come out of this and become unalien again. That is a risk that is really hard to take. To me, moving on would be starting to allow myself to see other men in a way that could make them potential Hs. I do this now (who doesn't) but not in a serious way. And then you throw in kids and it is not just me GAL but worrying how my choices will help or screw up my baby.

Sorry to get rambling but this all just sucks! Hope your day today is going ok. Give me a call this weekend if you get a chance.
~T

[hc3gal]

So I'm still in a funk. I have just been so frustrated with my H's selfishness this week...I texted him yesterday morning and said "since you are having S late Tuesday why don't u just keep him for the night Tues instead of Sunday?" Two seconds after I sent the text he called and was perterbed because he would rather have him Sunday night...then came out that he had plans later Tuesday night...he said he wanted to go to Taco Tuesday again at the Brick a bar downtown. Really I believe he wanted to hang with OW without his S...it's so sad...reality is, that's how his life would be...him, OW, and S, when he has his son instead of trading someone shifts and working the one night a week that his S is supposed to spend the night. Right now I'm just so disturbed because I've wanted a baby my whole life...now I get one and my H leaves me for OW and then wants S when and only when it is convenient for him and I'm supposed to loose time with my S like I signed up to be a part-time mom. Then he must have realized what he said didn't sound so good that he would rather go to the bar and hang out than have his S spend the night and started texting me nice messages like "i'm sorry i changed the plans at the last minute" and "i want to see my S as much as I can and would take him both nights if i could." I'm no dummy...this isn't the first time he's portrayed that he's busy and only wants to take S when it is convenient for him...he doesn't ever say that straight out, but he doesn't have to. I didn't text anything back to that last text and then he called me a few minutes later and left me a voicemail saying "i don't want to start any animosity and if there's anything i can do to fix this i will...I'll keep S over night Tuesday that's fine." I just feel like he's trying to be nice to work me and have me say "oh don't worry about it...if you have plans Tuesday i'll keep S." I'll keep S everyday of the week...that's my goal...I don't want him to take him just cause he feels obligated or anything...I love spending time with him. He's the cutest baby in the world.

I just feel like after a good solid 5 months my H would stop taking everything in his life for granted and stop being so selfish which last week he seemed like he snapped out of it a bit but this week he's starting to get pissed at me cause I'm not kissing his butt. He is mad today because he wants to take S to his dad's b-day party tomorrow and I said that S and I won't be back to our house until after they are already supposed to be there and he texted back "you're the boss." Once again trying to make me feel guilty and controling for not letting him have S when it really is his choices that got him here. I'm just wondering how long it will take for him to get it...why doesn't he get it yet that he can't have his cake and eat it too??

[ForPeanut]

I think they are just so into what they want and need that it is hard for them to see that the world isn't against them and they have done these things to themselves. I am sure that your H has felt that you were getting closer too but instead of making him feel good, it scared him. He has convinced himself that your life together was why he has done what he has. Any sign that he has made the wrong choices lately is like an attack on what he sees as the way his life should be. Whacked out for sure but understandable if you try to think like him for a bit. Just like the whole "cheating on ow w/us" theory I have. Their thinking is backwards because of the situation they have created for themselves. Easy to say but tough to do... try to see his latest behavior as a sign that he at least is aware of his feelings and the fact that he is pursuing you to make arrangements and wanting to spend time with S at all is still positive. Even if his priorities are still backwards. He has shown signs that he already wants to make changes in his new life with the apartment switching idea and hot and cold with ow. Just another dip on the rollercoaster that has become our life. You are doing fantastic though and just think of all the wonderful people that are there for you. Even your MIL is a cheerleader for you. I am on your team!
I will try to give you a call one night this week. Probably after 7 sometime. Hang in there!
~T