So right now I'm having a hard time keeping my head up. I just got hired on for a full-time permanent position where I am working and was really excited but I'm not getting paid the entire month of December when I was getting paid weekly before. So how I'm going to pay my bills I'm not really sure. My mom just got a lot of money as an inheritance and doesn't seem to even want to loan me money...I have never screwed them before or anything like that and it is really hurting my feelings that when I am in such a time of need they are telling me "we never had anybody to just hand us money" and "you need to figure out how you can do this without us" and basically encouraging me to borrow money from someone else. That is crazy to me...why would they do this...I've never borrowed money from them before ever...now when I need to apparently I need to figure it out myself. I have friends that are willing to give me money and friends parents but not my own parents who were just blessed with thousands of dollars.

Anyway sorry for the venting. My H came over today to see our S since he hasn't seen him since Tuesday and misses him. He was here for about an hour and a half. He was talking about how he was going to use his second paycheck this month to buy Christmas presents and I mentioned that I won't be able to because I can't even pay my bills this month since I'm not getting paid until January 3rd. He said "really?? you're not getting paid at all until then?" I let him know that I'm not and I'm having to borrow money to pay all of the bills. He did offer to pay me more this month and a little less next month. He's always worried about his finances too but said that if I wrote out a budget he'd help me with what he needed to to get me through the month so that was really nice. I got teary when I was talking to him about how my mom was being with the money and he felt bad. He said "i can't believe she'd say that stuff to you when you're going through this sh** right now" which he said really akward because he knows that he is the main reason why I'm going through all this sh** right now

Still yet to hear anything from H in regards to us and the future but maybe someday. I have just been down for a while now but I can't explain exactly why. Everything seems to be going good between us...he does seem to care about me and tries to compliment me when he can. He told me today that I always dress our S really nice and he likes that. He's trying to be supportive with the money situation...why am I so down??? I don't understand what it is that is causing me to have doubts and be so frustrated with my situation lately! I just need to get my DBing hat back on and go for it but I'm having a hard time. He hasn't done anything negative lately...more positive stuff even...it's just so hard for me to stay positive right now and it's driving me absolutely nuts. I can't figure out why I feel this way.

Please if anybody has any encouragement it would be greatly appreciated