just gettin started on my life w/o H

[ForPeanut]

I think you are doing very well in your situation! This constant conflict over how H feels about himself, life, future etc is bound to affect you. You love him and even though you are not his "partner" right now, you are. That is one of the things that I have found so difficult for anyone to understand. It is easy for outsiders to look at the situation and say that we would be better off without them and their drama but they don't understand that they are a part of us. Especially for those like us that have been together since we were practically kids. We truly became adults with our husbands. Their pain is our pain. I think a part of DBing is trying to release that part of the R. I don't know if I will ever truly accomplish that. I understand your feelings of forgiveness too. It is so hard for anyone else to understand how we could possibly forgive them for doing what they have done but I think you see your H for what he truly is...a person in pain. The hard part is that you are right, he probably cannot comprehend how you could possibly forgive him. That is his depression talking and really how you ended up here to begin with. All I can say is, keep being supportive of him (without smothering of course) and try to be his friend. From what he told his mom, it sounds like he is looking for one. Him wanting to join the military sounds like just one more sign of MLC. I don't know what your feelings on it are but if it were me, I would let him know that he means too much to your son and you to take that risk with his life right now. If you get the opportunity, you might want to slip in your 2 cents, whatever they may be.
I don't know what anyone else thinks but I would take him wanting a cheaper appartment as a good sign. That is him starting to nibble a bit of reality and see that this new life he has created is not all roses.
Has he seen a counselor at all? Again, if you get the opportunity, maybe mention to him, or his mom that you are wondering if he might benefit from talking to someone to help him make some of these choices. (I wish my H would)

Anyway, keep holding your head up, you are a wonderful person with a huge heart. Just keep being his friend and eventually he will find what he needs to do to be happy and get his priorities back in order.